An unauthorised transcript of Jim Magilton’s Monday morning meeting with Anthony Di Pietro and Richard Wilson has been leaked. It makes for some spicy reading.
Di Pietro: Good morning Jim.
Magilton: Antony. Richard. Top o’ the morning to ya.
Wilson: You gave it to them good in the presser Jim. ‘The sooner we change personnel in the dressing room’ and all that…
Magilton: Yeah, well. They deserve a kick in the bollocks they do. Pathetic performance.
Di Pietro: No, not good at all. That’s why we brought you in.
Magilton: No wonder you got rid of Mehmet. Assembling that lousy lot. You’re at least four players short of a good team.
Di Pietro: Well, actually, Mehm didn’t assemble the squad … the newer players like Kewell, Rojas, Cernak, they were all brought in by the bo… umm … well it doesn’t matter. Anyway …
Magilton: Well, I feel sorry for Mehmet if he inherited the squad.
Di Pietro: Don’t feel sorry for him. He had to go. He had no balls. Excuses like ‘That’s football,’ and ‘Just need to put the ball in the back of the net.’ That’s not what we need. You’re the right man for the job. You’ll put the wind up the players and get a reaction.
Magilton: Aye. Not just the players. Did you not see the overlay footage of last week’s pre-match interview? I was having a heated debate with Kevin. We’re not quite on the same page. I’m surprised that the press didn’t pick it up and make an issue out of it.
Di Pietro: Press! Ha! Not much chop in this country. Couldn’t analyse a football issue to save themselves, most of them. How do you think this board has survived so long? Wait, forget I said that. Moving on, what else is on the agenda?
Magilton: Personnel. Players. We haven’t finished yet.
Wilson: What?
Magilton: Fook. Listen. I’d like to talk about new personnel. The transfer window is open and we need to do some business.
Di Pietro: Who from the other clubs takes your fancy? We’ll see if they want to do a swap with one of our boys.
Magilton: Do a swap?
Di Pietro: Yes that’s how it usually works. You know, a guy playing in Brisbane wants to come home to Melbourne, and one of our guys rekcons Brisbane might be a good lifestyle, and we swap.
Magilton: What in hell!
Wilson: Yes, exciting isn’t it? But it gets much more interesting than that. You see, perhaps the Brisbane player wants to go to Sydney, and a Sydney player wants to come to Melbourne, and our guy goes to Brisbane. That’s a three-way deal. Really tricky but it can be done sometimes. That’s if they’re all on the same wages.
Magilton: Fook that. I want new players. New ones. Fresh faces. Liven the dressing room. Change the stale air.
Di Pietro: Nice thought Jim, but there’s the issue of player contracts. Most of our guys are signed until the end of the year or the end of next year. We can’t just sack them.
Magilton: Sell them to a lower league club. They’d be ok players a league down.
Di Pietro: Umm … ahhh … we don’t sell players to lower leagues here. Lower leagues can’t afford to buy players. Most of them can’t even afford to pay players.
Magilton: Fookin hell! Well, bite the bullet and just put them out to pasture and pay their wages until the contracts expire, but get some new blood.
Di Pietro: Well … umm … we all have to wear the salary cap.
Magilton: What fookin’ celery cap? You might be a fookin’ greengrocer Antony, and I might be Irish, but I’m not wearin’ a fookin celery cap, not that nor any other vegetable for that matter.
Di Pietro: No, not celery cap. Salary cap. With an S. There’s a maximum amount we can pay players each year. If we put players out to pasture we still have to pay them, so we’re limited on what’s available for new players.
Magilton: Jaysus fookin’ Christ. So what’s available for new players?
Di Pietro: Richard? Richard, wake up. Richard, Jim wants to know what’s left in the salary cap.
Wilson: Oh, yes. Right. Uh, Jim, is that before or after the Additional Service Agreement? Jim, that’s the bonus amount outside the cap.
Magilton: Before the whatsit.
Wilson: To the nearest dollar or nearest ten thousand dollars?
Magilton: Fook. Nearest ten thou.
Wilson: Well, ummm … ahhh …. Not counting the ASA, we have … ummm … nothing.
Magilton: Nothing.
Wilson: I’ll just check that. Yes. Nothing.
Magilton: And if you include the fookin whatsit what’s left?
Wilson: Umm, also nothing. It’s all allocated to Harr… well, it’s all allocated. To allocations.
Magilton: Fookin hell! And you want me to do what over the next ten weeks?!
Di Pietro: Listen, I must run: I’ve got a grocery meeting to attend. Richard, you have to be somewhere don’t you? I’m sure you do.
Wilson: Do I? Oh yes. Must run. Keep up the good work, Jim. Put the wind up them. Well done so far.
Di Pietro: Yes. Keep up the good work.
Magilton: Jaysus…!
[Silence falls. Sounds of Jim telephoning a number.]
Magilton: Darling, it’s me. Sorry to wake you … No, I’m fine … just wanted to tell you to talk to the real estate man and take the house off the market for now. It’s complicated … no … it’s going to be tricky to get new players because of a salary cap … no not like that, with an S … No, I don’t have to wear the cap, it’s a limit on spending … Anyway, look, just pull the house for now. Ok darling. Sleep tight.
[Silence. Magilton’s phone rings.]
Wilson: Jim! Good news. We’ve secured ‘Spike’ Milligan until the end of the season.
Magilton: Are you fookin’ joking? Spike Milligan? I’m the only joker here and I’m not finding it very funny.
Wilson: Sorry, forgot you’re new at this. Mark Milligan. Played A-League before. Defender or midfield. Been in the J-League. We can get him for almost nothing.
Magilton: Never heard of him, but anything in the backfield will help. Get him on a plane. Oh, by the way. Have you heard from Ricardinho’s agent lately?
Wilson: No. Why?
Magilton: Sent the Irish mafia out that way. I think he wants to free us a visa spot. Watch this space.
(This film was a work of fiction. Any relationship to any real persons, whether living or dead, is purely coincidental.)
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