After a long, hot, absorbing, alternatively entertaining and frustrating summer it’s time to round off the season by running a critical eye over the state of the Australian cricket team.
But seeing as they’re already kicking back with a couple of mojitos in the Port of Spain, let us instead turn our analytical attention to the current free-to-air television commentary team.
For a long time, Nine’s commentary team has been like an old pair of jeans – a comfy fit for all.
Times change, however, and you wouldn’t catch any of the hip young David Warner Twenty20 era types wearing these jeans out to your downtown vodka bar.
Granted, cricket has a difficult job as it is required to appeal to a wide demographic; however Nine’s commentators have achieved this with varying degrees of success this past season. So people, let’s get constructively critical!
Mark Nicholas: C+
He tries hard, he really does. However an easy-to-listen-to English accent might be great if you’re hosting a midday TV show about antique clocks, but it can’t always cover for a lack of real in-depth analysis into what’s going on at the cricket. Still, my Nan thinks he’s a lovely fellow.
Bill Lawry: B+
An excitable chap. Whilst Lawry can be easily sidetracked and baited into a Victoria versus the world debate his enthusiasm for even the most mildly entertaining of occurrences is thoroughly infectious. Long live Lawry!
Ian Healy: C
A good man, Heals, but at times he comes across about as interesting as his nickname. Can make some good observations with regards to wicket keeping (and has probably moved above Brad Haddin in the pecking order) but his jokey banter with fellow snooze-fest Mark Taylor becomes grating quicker than a Chris Gayle 50. You’re both old, tired and bad at golf; we got the joke the first hundred times.
Mark Taylor: D+
Groan. Tubs, tubs, tubs. You’re commentating a cricket match, not narrating an air-conditioning commercial. Has precisely one vocal octave and throws down clichés like Jeff Thompson used to throw down bouncers. However can you sack an Australian captain (not to mention an Australian of the year)?
Michael Slater: B
Slats – who would have thought? Mr Bon Jovi and Ferraris seems completely at home amongst the established crew and his easy-going persona has seen him be snapped up by other sports programs. A definite dark horse for team captain duties in the years to come, provided he can keep his wild side at bay.
Shane Warne: N/A
Too busy driving Lamborghinis, seducing actresses and playing Twenty20 to drop by the commentary booth in 2011/12.
Tony Greig: B-
Actually retired ten years ago but, in an idea taken from the movie Speed, they’ve grabbed an audio tape of his commentary from the mid ’90s and popped it on continuous loop. Still, try not to be amused when he says “Right off the meat of the bat” or starts bickering with Bill Lawry. Unintentional comedy gold.
Ian Chappell: D
You’re having a good time at a family BBQ, having a couple of laughs and playing some backyard cricket when grumpy old Uncle Ian shows up. Suddenly he’s calling no-balls, criticising your five year-old’s batting stance and moaning about the state of world cricket in general. This is only interrupted by the occasional laborious, unfunny story you hear every year. This, quite frankly, is how I feel when Ian Chappell takes over the commentary. Bitter, narky and dull as Dapto.
Tom Moody: B
People have always underestimated Moody, from his test debut, to his unexpected numerous World Cup appearances, to his haggis throwing ability. The same goes for his commentary skills, which during the one day series was candid, honest and, most importantly, interesting. Well played big man.
Richie Benaud: A+
Sure his appearances are getting briefer each year and bordering on Meta at times, but the doyen of the sports commentary team still puts blokes half his age to shame with his cricketing nous and dry, lightning fast wit. Anything less than a perfect score would have me tarred and feathered as downright un-Australian.
James Brayshaw: F
No sir, I don’t like it. Does Brayshaw just hang around outside the commentary booth bailing up Ritchie and Bill when they go out to grab a plate of samosas with a “C’mon guys, give us a go give us a go, etc.” until they relent and let him have a go behind the mic? Captain of the obvious and Brigadier of the banal Brayshaw is the anti-Benaud and would be best served emceeing local underage netball carnivals in country Victoria somewhere.
Whilst the team is capable of achieving highly it is let down at times by certain members and is capable of far greater outcomes.
But hey, what would I know right? I’m sure there are tons of punters out there who would disagree with me and I look forward to hearing your assessment of Nine‘s commentary team.
All except you, Mr Brayshaw. I think you’ve said quite enough for now.
Vic_Arious@twitter.com
smithha
Roar Pro
I fully agree that Slater seems to have it over Healy, Taylor and Nicholas. He, along with Lawry, are the pick out of what is becoming a predictable and dour Channel 9 team. LONG LIVE KERRY AND ABC GRANDSTAND!!!!!!!
mickey
Guest
Ian Smith was here for the NZ series this summer, can't remember anyone else really being brought over recently though...
Ben D.
Roar Rookie
Ian Chappell is my favourite commentator and he has a wonderfully positive but nuanced thought process.
Ben D.
Roar Rookie
Mark Nicholas was a very astute Captain of a Hampshire side that included Malcolm Marshall. He learnt a lot from Marshall. I watched him captain Hampshire in domestic ond day matches in England in the early 90s. He is also very articulate and makes insightful points. His county nickname was Elvis due to his hairstyle. Yes, he's a posh dandy, but an articulate and insightful dandy.
jameswm
Guest
I thought when Healy started he was very good and insightful. However he has deteriorated fast, and his unflinching support for Haddin, for example, removes any remaining credibility. Slats is one of the best there. Bill? I guess he hasn't got any worse, but he's a joke. Half the time he completely misreads what happens on the field. It's hard to believe he once captained Australia. How long can the joke on him last? The best anchorman by far is BJ over at Fox. Cool, ladies love him, smooth, and very knowledgable. Mark Waugh is possibly the best cricket commentator in Australian media. You always thought, when he was playing, that his head was in the clouds and he wasn't paying attention, but he's very sharp. Blewett is pretty rubbish though. None of the ABC guys stand out too much. I do like listening to skull, but I can't see that he'd suit channel 9. Too left of centre, and too love-him-or-hate-him.
Buzzy
Guest
Sorry Chris, but your ratings are in serious need of an Argus Review! Benaud should be interred for starters, Slater is nothing more than a zanybreakfast show weatherman masquerading as a commentator and the rest of them need a dose of 'have a look in the mirror' pie. Worst of all, it's pointless turning down the sound and listening to the ABC 'cos every time I do that I stumble onto that total moron O'Keefe. In future I'll just watch in silence and marvel at the exquisite camerawork catching ultra slow motion blades of grass wafting in the air as the ball pitches back of a length (whatever the hell that's meant to be). Brayshaw was actually OK.
Adam
Guest
You have to be kidding! Ian Chappell trots lines out like "Mike Hussey is thinking to himself, I need to be on my toes here because he is looking to play the ball through gully" (as Hussey stands at gully adjusting the draw string on his pants). - Chappel doesn't know what Hussey is thinking, he might be thinking about what he is getting is kids for Christmas. He thinks he knows everything, and he lets us all know it. If you do a google search for "arrogance", Ian Chappell is probably the first result that comes up.
B.A Sports
Guest
Problem is Vas that Ian doesn't just offer is "sage" advice to the players on the field, he lends it to the commentators as well. Some of his not so subtle digs at his co-commentators are insulting. They could be passed off as humor if he was capable of acepting it in return. Nobody is better than Ian Chappell - just ask him.
w ch
Guest
Agree with a lot of it. Healy is tiresome, seems like a bit of a crawler to management and tries hard to be folksy. Lame jokes as well. Slater also seems a bit of a crawler to the bosses and just about everyone else as well. Since when did Ian Chappell's name get abbreviated to "Chaps" whiich is what Slater calls hiim. It was Chappelli for donkeys years. Dont agree with people bagging Ian Chappell. To anyone who was around Ian Chappell in his playing days was a legend of a captain, a leader of men and a bloke who stood up to the establishment. He has plenty of authority in the game as does his brother Greg. Ian has enough cred in the game to be as grumpy as he likes. Greig and Lawry are going alright. Richie is just starting to lose his edge, some times he sounded off the beam. My question is will there be a day when one of the aging crew have some sort of health incident on air. And Mark Nicholas does a pretty good job. Its Channel 9. You never really did get in depth analysis on there anyway. That's on the ABC.
Westie
Guest
Brayshaw should not be there. Ian Healy is an out and out super star.
Dingo
Guest
The only ones I get tired of are Ian zzzzzzzzz Chappell , Ian Healy, he sounds as though he is talking to mates down at the pub and seems to say many things that haven't been thought through and James Brayshaw, he seems to be a bit of an Eddie Mcguire "mini me". The others, well Nicholas can at least speak properly, that is surely a prerequisite when talking for a living. Richie and Bill are like antiques that you just can't bring yourself to throw out and it is fun trying to pick which over it will be in the first test that they start reminiscing about 1953. Taylor has that high inflection at the end of each sentence thing going on that can be distracting. Slater and Tony Greig are fine imo. Grading. Ian & Ian "D" Bill, Richie, Taylor "B-" Slater, Nicholas & Greig "B" Warnie "WTF" More International commentators would help to keep the talk more interesting.
Chaos
Guest
Just wait till you hear Brayshaw's 4-6pm 'Melbourne only' afternoon Radio show with Billy Brownless. You'll think he's a genius... (only because of who he is paired with). Even knowing his poor test commentry how did he play so many shield games for WA and SA and get a average of 42! He has more first class tonnes then Shaun Marsh and Callum Fergusan! Chappelli is also a master of the obvious. Some of the others have been around so long you could replace them with Billy Birmingham and not tell the difference. Sports Fever have brilliantly pointed out the cross promotions for shows the commentry team barely know exist! Taylor especially. Healy and Slats pretend to know the show...
Dingo
Guest
Anne Kennelly
Brendon
Guest
Bill Lawry B+? Stopped reading there.
Bakkies
Guest
People don't get to watch cricket all day and there are 4 time zones in an Australian summer plus the Channel 9 feed goes to other countries (including the UK) so people do miss a lot of play (working, sleeping, doing other things, etc).
Bayman
Guest
It can only be a matter of time now that "Slats" has made the move to the Footy Show!!
Lolly
Guest
I used to think Slats was good but he and Healy between them have annoyed me with their childishness to the point where I mute the commentary now unless it's any other broadcaster's commentary team.
Jason
Guest
That mightn't be a bad thing. It would make my disdain for Channel 9 complete.
Jason
Guest
Packer?
Jason
Guest
And she can cook a mean dessert.