The Roar
The Roar


Uniformal disaster of Olympic proportions

3rd May, 2012
2706 Reads

Well, the Australian Olympic uniforms have been released and hasn’t it got the media in a right tizz?

It seems that this time every four years, the moaning minnies crawl out of the woodwork to make a few snide remarks, with even Deadbeat Dole-bludger Davo, who has spent the last four years in the same Lowes fleecy track top, turning into a high and mighty fashionista.

Look, I agree there have been a few cock-ups in the past; I’m not going to deny that.

Perhaps dressing the 2004 squad up like the kids down the park break-dancing on discarded pizza boxes wasn’t all that smart, and yes if you wore the 1992 uniform for a stroll along the beach today you would have people anonymously dobbing you in to crime stoppers and mothers ushering away frightened children.

But let’s face it, when the sport and fashion worlds meet, disasters of Lara Bingle proportions are bound to happen.

One is all about tradition and identity, while the other is mainly dudes with whacky fringes and women who need a pie parading around looking like a charity store bin has just vomited all over them.

Time and time again we have seen the sports lover sitting on the floor of their local, looking like Wayne Pearce after the’89 grand final, having just seen their ‘progressive’ and ‘paradigm shifting’ new playing kit for the first time.

What the hell do these words even mean?! Am I buying a footy jersey or studying for a political science degree? And $180 for something my missus won’t even let me wear out of the yard!

The hipster doofus’ even want to start messing around with the colours of our teams.


You can’t just look at the Australian flag, or Blue Poles and say “You know what…needs some Magenta” and just whack it on. Where has this obsession with that gloopy shade of blue in our national teams uniforms come from? Yes I know technically it’s one of our national sporting colours, but that little green ‘n’ gold horse bolted some hundred years earlier with the Australian cricket side.

Speaking of the Australian cricket side, funnily enough, the new Olympic Uniforms have borrowed heavily from our top cricketers with the white slacks and prefect blazers.

Fair enough too, seeing we’re intent on a bit of pom smashing, however a nice baggy flat cap or wide brimmed ‘Chapelli ‘ would have topped off the school ties and sensible skirts just ‘marvellously’ (funniest if said in Richie Benaud drawl) for mine.

If I do have one gripe, and it is only minor, it’s the choice of Dunlop Volleys for athletes footwear. Sure they might be trendy, and a favourite among impoverished 2min noodle munching uni students and roof tilers nation wide, but I’m pretty sure the last athlete to work up a sweat in these babies was Ron Clarke before he lit the 1956 Olympic cauldron and stuffed up the Gold Coast.

Bling them up all you want, you will still be nursing a dirty big blister on the ball of your foot the next day and feeling decidedly flat from the lack of support.

Let’s just hope the same can’t be said for our athletes come the Olympics eh?

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