The powers that be have tasked me with the job of improving Parra’s flagging fan-base, and without resorting to public flogging, stoning, hanging or hotsaucing.
Being a card-carrying member of the blue and gold army, I came up with five tips to boost the base.
1. Give ‘em Parramattitude
In 2001 the Eels marketing brains trust came up with the ‘Parramattitude’ concept, arguably the second best branding exercise in league history. It was (and still is) streets ahead of ‘Simply the Best’ and a pubic hair behind “Blow that whistle ref’. I know the team was riding high then and it didn’t take much to get fans excited. Regardless it was great to hear those Parramattitude ads on the radio.
“Hi. I’m Luke Burt, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude under the high ball Friday night”
“Give ‘em Parramattitude!”
Simply inspirational. Just thinking about it gets me pumped up, like the scene in 300 when Leonidas kicks the Persian messenger down the open shaft, screaming ‘This is Sparta!’. Makes you feel invincible.
This year we can change up the ads to better reflect team performance and personnel.
“Hi. I’m Chris Sandow, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude at the pie shop after the game”
“Hi. I’m Jarryd Hayne, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I kick the ball dead in goal for the eighth time in a row”
“Hi. I’m Justin Poore, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I go in for my next scan”
“Hi. I’m Ben Roberts, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I misread a set play and knock on again, and again, and again, and again”
“Give ‘em Parramattitude!”
2. Jamie Lyon effigy
At the turn of the century the Eels had their future pinned to a core group of young talented juniors, none more explosive than Jamie Lyon. In 2004 Jamie had other ideas, turning his back and sizeable gut on his contract, club, coach, teammates, fans, God and all that’s good in this world.
For the next home game against the Manly, I suggest distributing effigies of Jamie Lyon. Or better still ask the fans to make their own. There’s nothing better than creating an effigy to get the creative juices flowing. And the whole family can get involved.
We can collectively burn them prior to kick off. A communal burning has a cleansing effect, bringing fans closer together. For Occupational Health and Safety purposes, we have to scale the size of the effigies down, especially around the mid-section and arse.
We don’t want that fire to burn out of control.
3. Quidditch
If you’re familiar with the Harry Potter franchise you’ll know about the fictional sport of Quidditch. Basically, Harry and his cohort of wizard friends fly around on broomsticks, whacking the crap out of each other with balls and sticks – which sounds remarkably similar to a late night Eastern European movie on SBS last night. Only without the wizards and the broomsticks. Just the whacking, balls and sticks. Oh, and a milkmaid, and a y…I’m getting distracted again.
I digress. I propose we play a Quidditch hybrid at halftime. After the first 40 minutes of (inevitably) pathetic play, let’s have a handful of excitable fans armed with broomsticks beating the players as they walk back to the dressing room. Great spectacle, the kids will love it, and it just might motivate the players for the second half!
4. Paul Carige fan appreciation day
I know it’s depressing right now. But all hope is not lost. When times are hard it’s good to take a trip down memory lane, a reminder that we’ve overcome darkness before.
So how about a Paul Carige highlight package on the big screen? We can get really interactive and ask fans to submit their favourite Carige brain farts, blunders and stuff-ups. The list is long and distinguished. It might make the blood boil at first, but it also shows we can move forward, that we can overcome tough times, and that good can triumph over evil.
If you’re not familiar with Carige’s finest work, enjoy:
5. Exercising our right to protest
In 2010, irate football fans in Switzerland, incensed that the kick-off time for a local game was moved to accommodate a tennis match, threw thousands of tennis balls onto the field in protest:
The game had to be halted to clear the field. Taking inspiration from the Swiss, let’s coordinate a similar protest for the next home game. Tennis balls won’t work though. We have to find something more symbolic of the local area, more quintessentially Parra. Kebabs? Car extractors? 9mm Uzis?
And hey, if none of that works, we can always try flogging, stoning, hanging, hotsaucing and/or crucifixion.
Alex of London
Guest
Totally agree. Paul was hard done by on that one - if Bill had got that ruling correct Paul's life would have been very different!
planko
Guest
Wow I had forgotten this bloody gold....
paulhayden@hotmail.com
Roar Rookie
that paul carige footage is classic.. reminded me of hodges performance in his origin debut.. watching it again, i cant believe Qld still won.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sf-hq5Y-Gc
apaway
Roar Guru
Poor Paul Carige, forever haunted Phil Duke-style. To be honest, while the foot in touch was a mistake and the kicking the ball after the siren a complete brain explosion, the other two clips make it seem harsh on him. The ball was still rolling in the in-goal and the bomb he caught when he was put into touch had to be caught, no matter what Sterlo says. But what a priceless moment when he kicks the ball after the siren and I'm sure Sterlo chokes (or has his mike hastily turned off as he unloads a lot of blue language)
Dan
Guest
I must say that is some great viewing of Paul carrige lol -- Comment left via The Roar's iPhone app. Download The Roar's iPhone App in the App Store here.
Sea Eagle of Brisbane
Guest
aco226, you are a very honest fellow. Thanks anyway for the comment you made about my contribution to this article, I appreciate your answer. I have to admit for the first time in ROAR, that when I started watching League (1980), I was working in Blacktown (in Sydney’s West) and Parra was my favourite team. Almost all of my workmates were Parra (except few chocolate soldiers/ala Penrith) supporters so I did not have the choice. They would have ‘killed’ me if I was following any other team at that place. So it took me few years to stand on my own feet (after arriving from Europe as well was hard) and find my real favourite team (sorry mate, I deserted you, but I still have a soft spot for Parra). Back to the present, you guys have nothing to worry, by statistics you are the most popular Sydney team, plenty of supporters and money. Obviously in the pit at the moment, but will come good soon. Look, I am not Nostradamus, I cannot predict your future, but some issues will be solved this year, some next year at your Club. Without any doubt, Kearney has got limited time to turn things around. Player signings will be important, like retention of youth. Will see if the current management survives the next Board vote, I don’t think it will. Regaining your confidence will come with the changes ahead, absolutely this is not the time to give up.
Aleks Duric
Roar Guru
Alas I can't refute many of the intelligent, coherent and logical points you've made. Are you really a Sea Eagle? How bizarre. It makes sense though. In an article with five main points, of which the Sea Eagles featured in the smallest way in only one of them, you still made the entire thing about Manly. Yes...you are a Sea Eagle! But it's precisely because of the poor management, the lack of talent retention, the inept recruitment of 'has- been' players, and the over paying of 'stars' that I am bitter. It's the bitterness that helps me overcome the depression.
PLANKO
Guest
I think the ball was probably still moving when he put his hand on it. I thought it was harsh ....
Sea Eagle of Brisbane
Guest
aco226, jealousy is a curse. Jamie Lyon did not leave Parra because off Manly, he had his own reasons and went to England. On the way back we offered him a deal he could not refuse (we have salary cap these days just like you). You may hate him but it has not got to do with Manly a bit. You are a bitter fellow and try to blame Lyon instead of your own Club's poor management, not recognizing talents, talent searching agents like Noel Cleal, etc. You lost a whole team of great talents under the Emperor, replacing him with inept ex-players did not help your Club either. Now you got the second best Coach of the League (according to Phil Rothfield ot the Tele), plenty of money and still struggling. Is it all someone else’s fault? All these because of Lyon, Manly etc? C’mon aco226, you can write a bit smarter articles without the hate/ jealousy in you at the moment. You seem to have the talent, but bitterness is overriding your mind at this moment.
Chop
Guest
You've just exposed a painful scar with that '98 clip of Cariage. I was sitting about 10 rows off the fence on the side he caught the ball and took it out on the full to give the Dogs the first of the three comeback tries. I was almost tearing up walking out of the ground.... OK I'm going back to therapy, after seeing that and how Parra are going now....
Chris Chard
Expert
Much like hearing about Princess Diana's death I can still remember the exact moment I saw Paul Carige kick that ball in '98...speechless. Absolutely speechless. I saw him play for Wynnum years later (2002?) and the fans were still giving him a hard time about it, owns a horse ranch these days I believe. Excellent work aco226!