Since the days of the spirited Jim Stynes and the loose larrikin that is Spider Everitt, the AFL has been lacking in quality, charismatic ruckmen that have the spirit to match their talent.
Sadly, the former has passed away while the latter spends his days ‘entertaining’ the aged population of the Gold Coast with his day job that is afternoon radio.
With West Coast champion Dean Cox and Freo giant Aaron Sandilands two of the last of their generation remaining, who are tomorrow’s hopes for a taller future?
Despite the club being based around youth and enthusiasm, new boys GWS have recruited neither in their ruck division, with ex-Port reject Jonathan Giles hardly sprightly at 24.
Meanwhile Dean Brogan (another ex-Port player) would be a lot more useful if he was fit enough to get out of bed in the morning.
Speaking of Port Adelaide, they acquired the services of several big names over the off-season, however they may have overrated ruck recruit Brent Renouf’s intended impact.
Renouf’s injury-affected preseason has contributed to the up and down form he’s produced since coming to Port’s aid.
At this early stage, Port may as well have gone for Billy Longer and been done with it.
I mean c’mon, the guy wasn’t even in the best 22 at his old club. But don’t you know that you can’t put a price on experience (if 48 games can be classed as experienced).
Needless to say, Renouf was happy to cross the border to the Southern State. I just hope he knows he’s not likely to win another flag with his new club.
Another to jump ship and join a new team recently is Adelaide’s Sam Jacobs, the secret doppelganger for Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman.
But while the Crows are flying in 2012, Big Red has been well down in form on last year. After his 2011 breakout season, he’s struggled lately.
He’s finding less ball than Nick Maxwell during matches. Hell, if it weren’t for his 30-odd hitouts a game, he’d be seen about as much as a Gold Coast goal umpire.
Back to Melbourne, and after the retirement of their triple-premiership-winning big man, Geelong have struggled to fill the massive hole in the shape of Ottens’ head.
They’ve placed their future in the hands of Nathan Vardy, a kid who’s whiter than Hughesy and played about as many senior games in 2012 as Brendan Fevola.
The Cats have also picked up a guy who’s nearly old enough to be Jaeger O’Meara’s dad in Orren “don’t ask me why my parents called me that, maybe because I was born in the fifties” Stephenson.
At least things are simpler than at Carlton, where they’ve got a former number-one draft pick and a coach who can’t work out whether he’s a ruck or a forward.
That’s not to mention a rejuvenated Shaun Hampson – aka Mr. Megan Gale – who gets less screen time than his girlfriend (seriously, Channel Seven – sort it out).
Add to the mix an emerging young talent who’s garnered more interest than a beer garden on Boxing Day and the Blues selection panel has a job that’d give that of Mark Neeld a run for its money.
Over to the West and the Eagles are putting in place their succession plan for the Big Cox with Nic Natinui.
It’s only a matter of time before he jumps Cox both in his team’s pecking order and in literal sense; seriously the kids thinks he’s Michael Jordan going for a dunk every time he goes for a mark.
This list wouldn’t be complete without a mention of the massive 211 – Sandilands himself, who’s taller than Hayden Ballantyne and Matthew Pavlich put together.
For all his height, though, Sandilands couldn’t win a beauty contest if he were up against the likes of Shrek and Susan Boyle.
Come to think about it, he bares a striking resemblance to the enormous Mr. Larson from Happy Gilmore.
The AFL’s best chance for the future lies in Richmond’s golden-mullet-wielding, ass-kicking Ivan Maric.
He’s got the aggression, fighting spirit, a fast-growing cult following and most importantly – a bright future.
He’s taken his game to a new level in 2012 since joining the Tigers and the yellow and black faithful (as well as the wider AFL community) can rest easy knowing that when the likes of Coxy and Sandi retire, the spirit of the big man will live on.
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