A catastrophic run of injuries and some controversial withdrawals has lead England coach, Roy Hodgson, to play a side made up entirely of Liverpool football players at this year’s European Championships.
“Yes we’ve suffered setbacks” Hodgson lamented, “but I like to see the positives in things. The cohesion will be there, that’s important. And for me personally, I will finally get a proper chance to show the world what I can do with this team and make things right.”
Club captain, and therefore by default national captain, Steven Gerrard, was equally upbeat saying “You know, it’s a chance for the greatest club in the world to win the only cup it’s never won. Despite the fact Manchester United were crowned Champions of Europe in ’68, ’99 and ’08, I can’t for the life of me ever see them getting the chance to be crowned European Champions… you know, of the Euros.”
This all came about following the horror run on training injuries which lead Hodgson making the unprecedented move of fielding a club side at international level. After initial injuries to Ruddy (broken wedding ring finger), Barry (weak groin), Cahill (broken jaw following an argument with Andy Carroll) and Lampard (Partied Out Thighs), the horror show continued.
The second week saw injuries to Hart (ruptured vocal cords), Green (World Cup flashbacks), Jagielka (distended forehead), Cole (fell on diamond encrusted money clip), Parker (Achilles), Defoe (blinged out), Milner (soul issues) and Terry (groin and surrounding areas). Rooney was also forced to withdraw following the flaring up of an old Metatarsal injury that no one knew he had.
Oxlade-Chamberlain and Walcott also withdrew following a home visit from Sol Campbell citing safety concerns. “If we went, Sol might put us in a coffin when we got home. You can see from his transfer dealings that Sol has no soul and cannot be trusted” Walcott stated.
When asked if he had racism concerns, Glen Johnson replied “Suarez has always been a great teammate to me. Plus I do well with the ladies from a variety of ethnic backgrounds, so no, I’m not concerned in the slightest.”
There was a further withdrawal from Joleon Lescott, who on the advice of his brother, left to play for Scotland. Jones, Young and Wellbeck were all released as they play for Manchester United, arch rivals to Liverpool FC.
Martin Kelly, one of the players called up, conceded “Sure, it was tough to send the Man U lads home, but we have to put the team first and think about the dressing room, and we loath United, their winning culture and their post 1990 league successes.”
As well as Kelly, Hodgson has bought in the following players as replacement; Spearing, Carragher, Shelvey, Eccleston, Coady, Sterling, Robinson and Joe Cole. Brad Jones has renounced his Australian citizenship and joined the England-pool squad but insists he was planning on doing it anyway as he was so moved by the Queen’s Jubilee celebrations.
But by far the most controversial selection has been that of Jordan Henderson, who has been handed the role as the squads official bootlacer.
This strategy may have come as a shock to many, but for Hodgson it has been a natural progression. “People think this plan began after the later injury to Gary Cahill, but it was actually in the back of my mind when I first picked the squad” Hodgeson stated. ”I mean, a young chap like Stuart Downing would not have been in the squad if he played at ‘Borough, no matter how many goals or assists he racked up last season”.
After being reminded that Downing actually registered no league goals or assists last season, the England boss responded “See there you go. Case in point.”
When asked why Rio Ferdinand was once again omitted, Hodgson claimed it was purely for ‘Footballing reasons’. When pressed as to whether or not it had anything to do with his brother Anton being involved in a race row Hodgson said “Well of course, but that happened playing football.”
After being asked what it was like missing out on the squad a second time around, to players who are yet to even debut in the premier league, Manchester City’s Micah Richards was diplomatic saying “Yeah, I’m gutted. But you will not find a bigger Liverpool FC fan this summer than me. I’ll be singing You’ll Never Walk Alone at the top of my voice after I learn all the words and wish the boys all the best. After all, they’re representing Liverpool.”
Support has come from the strangest of places, with the city of Boston now set to support England throughout the whole tournament now that they have been informed the European Championships are on this summer and Kenny Daglish was quoted as saying “We saw Liverpool light up the league this year, it’s about time they had their chance on the international footballing stage.”
Significant ‘transition’ has also occurred away from the training pitch. Following a horror run of workplace accidents and injuries at the Umbro factory, Warrior Sports is now rushing to complete a new kit in time for the Euros although the red and white colour theme looks set to remain.
The England base for the Euros has also been moved from Krakow to Croxteth meaning the team will now have access to hot showers, a diet extending beyond sausages and boiled meats and their travel time to Donetsk is now halved when airport efficiency is factored in.
Ian Rush has been brought in as assistant coach, Robbie Fowler as goal celebration advisor and Rafa Benetiz has been drafted in an advisory role due to his European expertise.
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