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In the fallout from the Wallaby loss to Scotland and the various complaints regarding Wallaby player depth, I thought I would conduct an exercise of thinking ‘outside the box’ with regards to the pool of players available for selection.
Now, granted, I haven’t done in-depth background checks on all these players to confirm their eligibility for Wallaby selection, and the ARU would need to sanction going outside the Super Rugby contracted players.
That aside, I believe that what I have here is the nucleus of a team that would (regardless of the coach) make a strong push for the 2015 World Cup.
My fantasy Wallaby team:
1. Thing (from the Fantastic Four): Rock solid in the scrums
2. He-Man: As long as he has the power of Greyskull, then his strength and mobility make him powerful in the set-piece and an extra loose forward in general play
3. The Incredible Hulk: Has the aggression and the bulk needed. Would be useful in staring down the Haka.
4. Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Has the height, bulk and aggression. If he can defend a universe, then a short blind-side should present no trouble.
5. Chewbacca: Strength, mobility, aggression. Would need to work on his communication to call the line-outs. His habit of playing naked would get the female fans through the turnstiles I’m sure.
6. The Punisher: Would put the fear of god into the opposition forwards. A disregard for rules, so skipper and coach need to ensure his infringements are managed. The player we all hoped Rocky Elsom would be.
7. Wolverine: I’d like to see any other international flanker compete with him for the ball on the deck
8. Optimus Prime (c): The type of ‘follow-me’ leader the forward pack needs
9. Astroboy: Quick, agile and very annoying. Ability to shoot lasers out of his rear end a potential strong point
10. Gandalf: All the brain and the skills to execute whatever game plan the conditions dictate
11. David Campese: No explanation required
12. Batman (Christian Bale version): Aggression, agility and skills. I believe he played flanker in his schoolboy days, but I think he can be the hard, but highly skilled inside centre we need.
13. Predator: Along with Batman, an impregnable wall of defence in the midfield. Will always get you over the gain line, and looks a bit like Tana Umaga which can’t hurt.
14. The Flash : Is there a better finisher in the universe?
15. Darth Vader: Criticised by some for a lack of speed at the back. I’ve no doubt he will hypnotise the opposition whenever he chimes into the backline.
The question of the coach is of course a tough one. I would think strong applications would come from Doc Brown (from Back to the Future) and Professor X (from X-Men).
Some cynics may suggest coaching is a job for Muppets…in which case I believe that Fozzie Bear has a reasonable CV. At this stage I will leave the coaching role as a TBC.
And there we have it.
One thing this exercise does prove is that rugby remains a game for all shapes and sizes….World Cup 2015, here we come.
So Roarers, let me know your thoughts and selections.
Oh, and what do you think of notable omissions such as Superman, Spiderman, John Eales, Godzilla, Hulk Hogan and Han Solo?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.