At this summer’s European Championships, UEFA has been faced with the near impossible task of dealing with constant volatility.
But lead by their midfield general Michel Platini the governing body has performed admirably, drawing plaudits from a sway of human rights groups, fair play associations and most importantly, Sol Campbell.
Administrating this tournament was always going to like navigating a minefield, but UEFA’s hard line stance on the big issues, like branding on boxer shorts and entering on the playing field/arena, has sent a gallant message to the youth that follow the World Game.
When asked about their tough stance regarding ambush marketing, Platini stated “Children are highly vunerable and impressional creatures. That’s why it is important that we only pepper their subconscious with subliminal messages from UEFA approved conglomerates, not some faux Irish betting agency.”
So perhaps it was the gambling aspect that was the key issue that concerned UEFA in the Nicklas Bendtner’s Undies-gate case.
“We have no problem with sports betting provided it’s done through the correct channels, like the Italian FA” Platini stated with a face so straight, it could have been a bat that belonged to Geoffrey Boycott.
The Frenchman continued “UEFA have solid partnerships with many of our business friends who produce what we consider to be child friendly products. For instance, Coca-Cola and Castrol, although there was some confusion there initially as we thought those companies produced the same thing.
McDonalds has a clown as their ambassador, so it’s more a less a, how you say, ‘gimme’ that it must be great for kids. As for Carlsberg, of course we do not condone underage drinking although we fully endorse the consumption of Carlsberg mid and low strength products for those under the age of 18.”
Potential pitch invasions have also felt the heavy arm of UEFA, with the English FA being fined €5000 for fans that ‘considered’ entering the playing arena following Danny Wellbeck’s goal against Sweden.
“We have trained out stewards impeccably in the lead up to this tournament, including lessons from Obi Wan Blatt-oni in Jedi Mind Powers. The steward in question was a telepathy specialist and was certain that the English fans had every intention of entering the playing arena, although they never actually got the chance.” Platini explained.
But UEFA must be applauded further for their attitude to officiating the matches, with the extra pair of eyes from the goal line assistant referee turning out to be a roaring success. “Sure, people will bring up the goal that wasn’t which destroyed the hopes and dreams of the impoverished fans from an already severely outclassed host nation. But replay technology offer no guarantees of the correct decision being made, at least that’s what my friends in Rugby League administration tell me.”
Other minor issues that have cropped up over the course of the Euro round matches have been that of the violence and racism variety. UEFA must be commended for sweeping these under the rug with in a swift manner with as little fan fare as possible. This way, the spotlight light has been shone elsewhere, meaning these footballing treasures have been allowed to fester without being eradicated.
“This is football and the sport just wouldn’t be the same without them.” Platini said of these two nuances that occasionally hinder football matches. “I don’t want it to get to the point where a child cannot bring a banana to a football match, I mean, it’s a piece of fruit. Like my great friend Sepp said, often these problems can be dealt with using a handshake, but maybe that is a little too lenient on the offenders. At UEFA we’re looking for something between a handshake and a slap on the wrists. A low-five perhaps?”
The tournament continues this week into the semi-finals, and there is little doubt that UEFA will continue on their noble quest to instill purity into the greatest game of all.
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