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Quade Cooper’s letter to Santa

Geoff Parkes Columnist

By Geoff Parkes, Geoff Parkes is a Roar Expert

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    Dear Santa,

    My name is Quade, you might of heard about me, I used to play for the Wallabies but now I just hang out a bit and do stuff.

    Anyway I just thought I’d write to you to see if you can help out with a few things, my man Khoder is usually the man who does that stuff for me, but your still the main man I reckon.

    I know you can do it Santa, ‘cos you did it for my best friend Sonny Bill, he gets all the good stuff, I know you got some there for me too Santa. Sonny Bill is so cool Santa, not cool like your at the North Pole sort of cool, but cool like he’s the man, that sort of cool.

    I hope I’m not confusing you Santa, like you’re really the man, but you know that Sonny Bill is the man, just like my man Khoder is the man, and my other brother, The Man, he’s really the man.

    But you need to pull your finger out Santa, last year you let me down, you know how I copped all that crap in New Zealand and I asked you to fix all that up, I didn’t mean by copping it in Australia instead.

    By the way thanks for that pie you sent me. Except I like “Steak and Onion”. This one had “Humble” on the wrapper. Don’t think I can eat that.

    I better tell you what I want, ok?

    A guy to fight. Not just any guy, he has to be over 50, asthmatic, from the Fukawi tribe. Or else, a Chartered Accountant with coke bottle glasses, with a broken arse.

    That shouldn’t be too hard Santa, you already done that for The Man plenty of times.

    A new punching bag to practice on. That bag you sent me last year, the one with Richie McCaw on it, it’s no good. I can’t get it to stay in position, it keeps coming over my side all the time.

    You better send Robbie some stuff too. He’s not really my mate, he’s not the man, but hey it’s Xmas, it’s time to be nice to people. Send him that new DVD compilation “Great Wallabies tries of 2012”. It only runs for 1 minute 35. He’s a busy guy, he can watch it then get on with enjoying a nice environment.

    Can you send my man Will G some magic “get well soon” dust? I’ll be straight with you Santa, all that sh*t about not playing for the Wallabies ‘cos it was a toxic environment and all that stuff? It’s really ‘cos I ain’t going anywhere near a rugby field if I have to play outside that Phipps dude.

    Actually send him a barn door while your at it.

    Don’t bother sending me a book again Santa, that one last year was sh*t. “How to win friends and influence people?” You should no me better than that by now.

    One more request Santa. You know how the ARU gave all my money to that Israel dude? Like what’s going on there? Those Jewish guys get all the favours.

    Anyhow, the best present you can get me is my contract with a signature on it. The Reds need me Santa. The Wallabies need me. Rugby needs me. Be the man Santa.

    Thanks Santa,


    Geoff Parkes
    Geoff Parkes

    Geoff is a Melbourne-based sports fanatic and writer who started contributing to The Roar in 2012 under the pen name Allanthus. His first book, A World in Union Conflict; The Global Battle For Rugby Supremacy, was released in December 2017 to critical acclaim. For details on the book visit Meanwhile, his twin goals of achieving a single figure golf handicap and owning a fast racehorse remain tantalisingly out of reach.

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    The Crowd Says (30)

    • Roar Guru

      December 9th 2012 @ 4:22am
      biltongbek said | December 9th 2012 @ 4:22am | ! Report

      Dear Quade, you have been a bad boy this year, haven’t you?

      Anyway, I thought about you letter and decided the following.

      1) I have spoken to Richie (You know him, THE REAL MAN), he agreed to take you on in a fight, but as you are the challenger McCaw gets to choose the code. He has seen some of your Thai boxing skills (The knee, etc.) and wants to take you on in that. However, no referee, no seconds on the side of the rink, and no witnesses.

      2) As for your requested DVD, sorry it has sold out. Looks to become a collector’s item in about ten years. Instead I am sending Robbie an extention to his contract.

      3) I have also decided just as a precaution, I will send you some anti venom (For those training sessions with Robbie)

      4) Nick Phips has been a good boy, well at least he tried and he never said anything nasty about Robbie, so I have decided all he needs is a lock for the barn door.

      5) no worries about the book gift, I am sending you a comic book this year (less words, more pictures)

      6) In fact. i changed my mind. i am sending you the book The greatest Salesman on earth by Org Mandino. It isn’t a very thick book, only has 10 chapters and the book is designed to be read a chapter a month, should suit you, no hurry to finish quickly then, the first few chapters are all about how to treat people.

      7) you also need to read more Quade, Israel is not only a country, itcan also be used as a name. (Israel Dagg-New Zealander 😉 )

      8) As for your contract, you need to speak to your man Khoder, tell him to stop pfaffing about.

      Lots of love Santa.

      • December 9th 2012 @ 4:41am
        Johnno said | December 9th 2012 @ 4:41am | ! Report

        Love it Biltongbek, funny stuff mate. He’s been a naughty boy Quade , so he won’t get lot’s of presents this christmas Biltongbek “ha ha”.
        Send him the salesbook he will need it the next 2 years to justify his big deal..
        On a side not biltongbek, you may or may not know , but I/m curious. Really just a rough estimate.
        So many top Boks going overseas, what do the top books that stay earn including everything a rough guide.
        EG- your Morne Steyn’s, Bismark’s, Frans Steyn who cam back home, these type of players Biltongbek.
        Coz for someone like jaque Fourie and Bakkies Botha, FDPreez they must of been paid a lot.
        I have never really known how much the top, local Bok players get.

        • Roar Guru

          December 9th 2012 @ 4:57am
          biltongbek said | December 9th 2012 @ 4:57am | ! Report

          Good question mate, it is something I have been trying to find out for some time. i know the Currie Cup players earn about 60 000 Australian Dollars for that tournament. I’ll ask around what the Super XV and Springboks players get.

          • December 9th 2012 @ 5:35am
            Johnno said | December 9th 2012 @ 5:35am | ! Report

            Thanks Biltongbek, I’ve always wanted to find this out, when i see Cooper signing $800,00 plus deals, and Folau around $6000,000, surely someone in STH Africa is paying gigs like Bismark, and and Hougard and these type of blokes to stay. Not bad 60,00 for currie cup which is now around 3rd tier anyway.

      • Roar Guru

        December 9th 2012 @ 6:27am
        sixo_clock said | December 9th 2012 @ 6:27am | ! Report

        ‘No witnesses’, loved it, cheers, but please can we have it on youtube or, please Santa.

    • December 9th 2012 @ 9:46am
      mark said | December 9th 2012 @ 9:46am | ! Report

      Santa being real has as much chance as Quade playing for the wallabies again under Deans.

      • December 9th 2012 @ 9:58am
        Justin2 said | December 9th 2012 @ 9:58am | ! Report

        You might be right, won’t do cooper any harm not playing under deans.

        • December 9th 2012 @ 10:48am
          Sage said | December 9th 2012 @ 10:48am | ! Report

          I see what you did there……

          • December 9th 2012 @ 11:12am
            Justin2 said | December 9th 2012 @ 11:12am | ! Report

            Thats why you’re the Sage 🙂

      • December 10th 2012 @ 6:01am
        Hopperdoggy said | December 10th 2012 @ 6:01am | ! Report

        Santa’s not real? “Daddie!”

        • December 10th 2012 @ 8:11am
          Hopperdoggy said | December 10th 2012 @ 8:11am | ! Report

          Is this what “owning the reality” Deans means Dad?

    • December 9th 2012 @ 11:58am
      Crazy Horse said | December 9th 2012 @ 11:58am | ! Report

      Dear Santa,

      My name is Quade, you might of heard about me, I used to play for the Wallabies but now I just hang out a bit and do stuff.

      What I would realy like for Christmas is a brain and a manager that can look after my interests without antagonising everyone who is anyone in Rugby.

      Oh yes and a lot more of that Humble Pie you sent me last year.



    • Columnist

      December 9th 2012 @ 3:14pm
      Brett McKay said | December 9th 2012 @ 3:14pm | ! Report

      Well played all, this as been most enjoyable.. lol:

    • December 9th 2012 @ 5:46pm
      Doug said | December 9th 2012 @ 5:46pm | ! Report

      Does anyone remember when the jersey & representing your country was more important then yourself? When John Eales or Stephen Larkham lifted rugbys titles I don’t recall them putting themselves before the team.

      I don’t buy ‘he has to look after himself’ rubbish. You can do that while still showing some dignity & humility- virtues that Cooper seems to lack.

      • December 9th 2012 @ 6:19pm
        Johnno said | December 9th 2012 @ 6:19pm | ! Report

        Doug ,John Eales and Steve Larkham both played most of there rugby during the professional era there no different to “the brand Quade”, so were getting paid good money for what they were doing. And I’m sure when they signed contracts they were doing what was financially best for them.

        • December 9th 2012 @ 8:47pm
          AndyS said | December 9th 2012 @ 8:47pm | ! Report

          …and all wihout making noises about going to League, heading to Europe, taking up some other sport, making public comments bagging the team or individuals, or going out on the piss and getting into very public trouble. What idiots, not having a clue about how to negotiate a contract or create a brand for themselves!

          • December 9th 2012 @ 11:55pm
            Johnno said | December 9th 2012 @ 11:55pm | ! Report

            Andys Steve Larkham had a lucrative stint in Japan when he could of had 1 more season even 2 seasons in OZ.
            And loved your analogy of how to grow a brand was top notch they could of made more money had they followed your tips.

            • December 10th 2012 @ 3:50pm
              AndyS said | December 10th 2012 @ 3:50pm | ! Report

              Larkham did indeed look after himself, but Doug’s original point was that you can do that while maintaining some dignity. Larkham left, but without subjecting the team to an ongoing song and dance number about heading to Japan unless someone paid him what he was entitled to in order to stay. He just made what he considered the best decision for all concerned and quietly got on with it. If only he had known how a professional sportsman was supposed to behave… 😉

      • December 10th 2012 @ 6:00am
        mania said | December 10th 2012 @ 6:00am | ! Report

        doug – Does anyone remember when the jersey & representing your country was more important then yourself? – yeah its called playing for the All Blacks

        • December 10th 2012 @ 7:17am
          Johnno said | December 10th 2012 @ 7:17am | ! Report

          Are you sure about that mania.
          Yes mania tell that to Carl Hayman,SBW, and Jerome Kaino, and Steve Donald.

          • December 10th 2012 @ 7:23am
            mania said | December 10th 2012 @ 7:23am | ! Report

            i’m positive johnno. the black jersey definately means more to the kiwi players than the green and gold does to the 3 amigos

            • December 10th 2012 @ 7:29am
              Johnno said | December 10th 2012 @ 7:29am | ! Report

              Well if it does mean so much mania, explain these players decisions then, taking big money contracts, giving up the chance to play for the AB’S.

              • Roar Guru

                December 10th 2012 @ 7:36am
                biltongbek said | December 10th 2012 @ 7:36am | ! Report

                To be fair Johnno, the few does not make a case for the majority of All Blacks.

              • December 10th 2012 @ 7:45am
                mania said | December 10th 2012 @ 7:45am | ! Report

                sorry johnno, not understanding what needs to be explained.
                Carl Hayman,SBW, and Jerome Kaino, and Steve Donald have shown the utmost respect for the jersey and in their time when they were custodians of those jerseys were hnourable soldiers. when they held the jerseys they were the epitome of team players. whats your point?

              • December 10th 2012 @ 8:23am
                Johnno said | December 10th 2012 @ 8:23am | ! Report

                My point is mania they took the money, Andy S point and your point about the AB jersey meaning more than money long term, is not totally true as the players took big deal overseas, earning more than staying with the AB’S. So loyalty is clearly not undivided.

              • December 10th 2012 @ 8:28am
                mania said | December 10th 2012 @ 8:28am | ! Report

                sorry johnno, the point being made was ” remember when the jersey & representing your country was more important then yourself?” not choosing money over the jerset. so in this case these aforementioned players easily put the team ahead of themslves.
                ps – carlHayman retired from test rugby as the best in the world. he bled for the jersey and was an awesome soldier. he was on the other side of the world having retired from the AB’s 3 years prior.
                SBW – whilst in the jersey showed it the respect it .deserved.
                not sure why your bringing up the others

    • December 9th 2012 @ 7:46pm
      Crazy Horse said | December 9th 2012 @ 7:46pm | ! Report

      If money and Brand X are more important that respect for the jersey and the honour of wearing it we need to revert to amateurs for the Wallabies et al and let the professionals have their own teams. It is a fact that there are many good players in the clubs who do not want to be full time Rugby players.

      Comment left via The Roar’s iPhone app. Download it now [].

      • December 9th 2012 @ 7:55pm
        Johnno said | December 9th 2012 @ 7:55pm | ! Report

        Crazy Horse i’m sure your going to get packed stadiums, of fans wanting to watch an inferior product , not.
        And while there are good amateur rugby players , the majority of them crazy horse are only amateur coz there not good enough to be pro.

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