RATH: Wallabies set to tame kings of the jungle

Clyde Rathbone Columnist

By Clyde Rathbone, Clyde Rathbone is a Roar Expert

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    James Slipper and James O'Connor were two of the top Australian performer in Round 7. AAP Image/Paul Miller

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    The lion is the unchallenged ‘king of the jungle’ – the most ferocious and powerful apex predator on the planet.

    Horses, on the other hand, are nice to sit on top of and British people like to make hamburgers out of them. Trust me – this is science.

    Usually when a horse decides to take on a lion the other horses gather around and attempt to talk some sense into the the four-legged fornicator.

    They say things like “Jack, maaate, you’re bloody dreaming! Zebras are much tougher than us and lions eat them all the time! Pull your head in, mate!”

    Lions really are incredibly adept predators, so much so that every so often a lion gets killed by its own confidence.

    A well-placed warthog tusk or zebra hoof can and have indeed killed careless lions.

    But usually lions just shred horses (usually might not not be the best word here since lions and horses rarely meet – but when they do lions shred them – I’m pretty sure that’s a direct quote from David Attenborough).

    If a horse stands little chance against lions what possible hope might a wallaby have? Has evolution ever spawned a less intimidating animal than the wallaby? This is a species that actually comes with a built in accessory pouch.

    If God is indeed the omnipotent omniscient being that I’m assured he is then she must take full responsibility for the wallaby.

    Frankly I think God’s street cred has got to take a hit here because the wallaby appears to have been designed by a pot-smoking, vegan fashion designer – or Paris Hilton.

    Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Maybe Paris Hilton is God!

    After all, Paris did say:

    “Even though the gods are crazy
    Even though the stars are blind
    If you show me real love baby
    I’ll show you mine.”

    Now I don’t know about you but that sounds eerily like something you might find in the bible does it not?

    I mean Paris gets crucified by the media all the time and yet seems impossible to kill off.

    She has a really successful father and a lot of followers who say she’s misunderstood. Maybe we’re not interpreting her comments in context.

    Maybe her sex video was simply a way to test our faith in her. I mean who can understand the mind of Paris Hilton?

    Holy shit people this really is starting to make sense! Maybe instead of bible verses or crosses rugby players should simply draw the face of Paris Hilton on their tapped wrists. Maybe we’ve been wrong about Paris all along!

    Okay I’ll level with you – I can’t really be sure that Paris Hilton is God and maybe this is all coming from my disappointment in the wallaby in general.

    Apparently wallabies can’t easily walk backwards…I guess that’s something. And I suppose it could be worse.

    We could be symbolised by plant matter in the shape of a fern or a protea. Can you even imagine a lion vs a plant – Oh man that plant is in serious trouble!

    Despite all the above I predict a Wallabies victory on Saturday. Both teams will look to play with pace and width but I expect the Wallabies to do so just a bit better.

    Up front I expect us to dominate the breakdown, slightly lose the scrum battle and gain parity at the lineouts.

    In the backs we have real pace and skill and a good blend of distributors and ball runners. George North vs Israel Folau shapes up
    as a great contest.

    North looks like a sock full of marbles but runs like a gazelle trying to escape a lion (ironic, no?) and he has a power and pace advantage over Folau.

    Israel is unmatched in the air, has brilliant footwork, timing and big-match temperament.

    Which player has the better of the other will largely depend on the platform laid by the forwards and the creativity of the inside men.

    It’s a truly mouth-watering prospect and I hope you’ll join me in asking Paris Hilton to smite the Lions with all her power!

    Clyde Rathbone
    Clyde Rathbone

    Former Wallaby & Brumby Clyde Rathbone retired from rugby in 2014. Clyde is a writer, speaker and technology startup founder. A Roar columnist since 2012, you can follow Clyde via his Twitter page.

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    The Crowd Says (54)

    • June 22nd 2013 @ 3:32am
      Doug said | June 22nd 2013 @ 3:32am | ! Report

      What have you been smoking Clyde?! πŸ˜‰

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 10:01am
        Parisien said | June 22nd 2013 @ 10:01am | ! Report

        Out there Clyde! Lions, horses, God, Paris Hilton, sex videos. Hopefully we’ll all be on the same page as you by tomorrow night!

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 1:05pm
        Renee Matey said | June 22nd 2013 @ 1:05pm | ! Report

        Did you take a knock to the head on Tuesday, Champ?

      • Columnist

        June 22nd 2013 @ 1:32pm
        Elisha Pearce said | June 22nd 2013 @ 1:32pm | ! Report

        This is possibly my favourite athlete written column on any website or newspaper ever!
        HA! Its the first time Paris Hilton has been inferred during Lions Tour analysis that I can remember.
        Clyde you need to hammer more of these out.

        • June 22nd 2013 @ 6:08pm
          Lloyd said | June 22nd 2013 @ 6:08pm | ! Report

          I am in complete agreement el
          Most favourite piece about rugby writing ever.Rath you rock

    • June 22nd 2013 @ 3:36am
      krisl said | June 22nd 2013 @ 3:36am | ! Report

      Lions 35 – Horses 6

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 9:29am
        omg said | June 22nd 2013 @ 9:29am | ! Report

        no it was brumbies 14 -lions 12

    • June 22nd 2013 @ 3:42am
      Billy Bob said | June 22nd 2013 @ 3:42am | ! Report

      Krisi you do know that there are no horsies in this race?

    • June 22nd 2013 @ 3:49am
      Billy Bob said | June 22nd 2013 @ 3:49am | ! Report

      Great work Clyde.
      But you failed to mention the anatomical powers of the marsupial.
      Massive and fast hind legs that invented kick boxing, and tremendous balance in the tail. Not to mention top end speed that a lion could not watch let alone match.
      A Lion would be favourite in a one on one battle with a Wallaby of course. Just like it would with a wild horse?

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 8:45am
        Lloyd said | June 22nd 2013 @ 8:45am | ! Report

        I agree bb its the tail.they won’t know what to do with it.

    • Roar Guru

      June 22nd 2013 @ 4:27am
      biltongbek said | June 22nd 2013 @ 4:27am | ! Report

      Thereis some good news in all this. The average male Lion weighs near 250 KG’s, so fortunately for the Wallabies, the Lions who made the trip are rather small in comparison.

      The best hunters amongst a pride of Lions are usually the females, and once again, fortunately for the Wallabies, there will be no females present on the field of play.

      The best way to beat a Lion is to starve him, in this case starve him from the ball, and pretty soon they become rather weak and disinterested.

      A pride of Lions are also rather social in their demeanour, however Male Lions often walk alone. They are the easiest prey to take down.

      So deny them ball, starve them of making play, and take the individuals down, smile at their women in the crowd and take them down. πŸ˜‰

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 8:47am
        Lloyd said | June 22nd 2013 @ 8:47am | ! Report

        oh yeh.that’s what I’m talkin about

      • Columnist

        June 22nd 2013 @ 1:33pm
        Elisha Pearce said | June 22nd 2013 @ 1:33pm | ! Report

        Amen BB. Preach.

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 1:33pm
        Wasasharknowabrumby said | June 22nd 2013 @ 1:33pm | ! Report

        Nice comment BB on a cleverly composed piece of satire from the “Bone”

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 2:25pm
        strupper2003 said | June 22nd 2013 @ 2:25pm | ! Report

        good one biltongbek

      • June 22nd 2013 @ 3:48pm
        TembaVJ said | June 22nd 2013 @ 3:48pm | ! Report

        Hahahah good work BB

        CR, stay away from papagaai slaai bro

    • Roar Guru

      June 22nd 2013 @ 4:36am
      SandBox said | June 22nd 2013 @ 4:36am | ! Report

      Enjoyable left field article Rath. Your santa claus for adults comments even had some gender confusion. For a change from Attenborough I can highly recommend the Dawkins’ series on Charles Darwin. Let’s hope both brumbies and wallabies can out fox the lions

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