State of Origin: a field guide

There is a lot going on in the critically acclaimed grindhouse trilogy commonly known as the State of Origin series. In the likely event your mind is dangerously disordered with the high drama of it all, refer below for guidance.

Channel Nine’s cringe-worthy coverage
Nine plumbed new depths in the first round this season with those intimate and unfortunately extended glimpses into the inner workings of the hamster-wheel that is Sonny Bill Williams’ mind. Expect similar, prepare for worse.

Don’t fear the Canetoads
At no point should you make the mistake of overestimating the abilities of the Queensland team.

Yes, they can string some pretty plays together. Yes, they have strung these pretty plays together into what’s become a seven year stranglehold. And yes, they seem to have cultivated some kind of ‘culture’ as a team and like to claim this culture as something unique that only they possess.

Their claim is ludicrous of course. Culture can be quite easily cultivated. Anyone who has played host to a recurring yeast infection can attest to this.

In any case, there is little to fear about a team whose victory song consists of “singin’ aye, yi, yippie, yippie, yi”.

Spare a thought for Mark Gasnier
I always do, come this time of year, and not only because his own substandard supplies are strictly limited and he cannot spare one himself.

No, I think of Gasnier watching Origin and imagine him congratulating himself on his premature retirement.

He says he was seduced by the siren song of soiled nappies and the chance to finally get around to reading Ulysses but it was really the harrowing experience of opposing Greg Inglis in Origin that made him develop an urgent appointment with rugby league oblivion, wasn’t it?

Speaking of Greg Inglis…
Remember when GI got fat? How he looked all bloated and syphilitic, like a Sizzler-era Henry VIII or somebody?

Well, forget about it. He is no longer fat. He switched from white bread to rye bread, cut down on the soft drinks, and bought smaller plates to eat off of too. Probably. That’s what Lara Bingle did, anyway, and hasn’t she turned things around?

Greg Inglis being all rangy and lean and able to reel out of tackles like a big greased gazelle is very bad for the Blues, and a superior understanding of state lines and of the fact that actual rules apply to these pesky territorial squiggles in terms of player allegiance isn’t going to keep us warm when the chill wind of Origin II blows either.

Ahh, eligibility
Just on that last point, it is a truth nationally acknowledged, when it comes to interpreting and abiding State of Origin selection rules, Queensland’s and New South Wales’ values and standards differ. NSW have some, for a start.

Ads for excise
Alcohol advertising, it will be everywhere. Gambling odds and advertising, also everywhere. It’s existentially despicable, though culturally inevitable and commercially necessary, apparently.

Try not to make any unnecessary associations between the absence of James Tamou and Blake Ferguson and the fact that the NRL is in vice-like servitude to alcohol sponsorship.

Be warned that if your mind does stray down this unhelpful path you may experience twinges of ethical unpleasantness.

Ignore these feelings. Better yet, stifle them with stiff drinks.

As long as we’re talking alcohol issues…
Let’s not foget Josh Dugan. It’s hard to fathom but it seems he’s not too highly thought of at the moment.

Setting aside the small matter of his reputation, he needs to have a good game. He’s been strong for the Dragons, and hasn’t been doing that doubled-over-wincing-and-gripping-his-legs-in-apparent-agony-instead-of-getting-back-in-the-goddamn-line thing so much since leaving Canberra, which is nice and not at all annoying for Raider fans to see.

Also, as Matty Johns keeps pointing out, he has the right personality – abrasive and aggressive – to play Suncorp Origin.

Ironically, these same traits saw him Instagram-abuse his way out of the opportunity to play regular Suncorp football for the Broncos.

The Cauldron
Suncorp Stadium itself will be a standout feature. Thousands of grotesquely under-developed frontal lobes and their hosts gathered together in a huge heaving cauldron of hostility, all doing their bit to disprove the evolution theory.

Luke Lewis
Because he is a VB ad come to life. He probably has a fierce dog and it probably barks at Asian people.

Cameron Smith
A one-man master class on how to control rucks and referees.

Cooper Cronk
He will be rushing around, attempting 40/20s and being all yappy and authoritative. In 12 months’ time he may speak publicly about this game and draw analogies between himself and anyone from pre-Waterloo Napoleon to David Koresh.

Or he may make enigmatic reference to it on his personal website, which is the most mystifying in sporting history.

It features a manifesto on the very real and immediate dangers of breakfast cereal, and is infused with a Bono-like narcissism that kind of hangs over the whole endeavor like the stink of beef tallow out the back of McDonalds.

Justin Hodges
Watch for him ensuring via furtive darting glances that he’s safely surrounded by his cavalry before making inflammatory remarks and gestures in the Blues’ direction. It’s his signature move.

Paul Gallen
Shrewd league fans may have picked up on the very rarely discussed fact that Gallen loves a bit of vigilante justice.

In last year’s Sharks Raiders semifinal, Josh Papalii inflamed Gal’s righteous ire and had him barking threats of the “he got me twice and I’m going to get him back and there’s nothing you can do about it” variety at Tony Archer. See also: punching Nate Myles in the head.

It’s very admirable, this vigilante streak, but unfortunately not so suited to this day and age. They have rules.

In any event, Gallen has said, in light of the rude realities of recent rule tightening, he’d happily “cop a punch to the head” for the series win.

Phil Gould saying wow
He uses this calling club football too, but during Origin is when it really comes into its own.

He rolls the word around in his mouth like it’s a fine and particularly full-bodied wine he’s tasting and it would be ridiculous if it didn’t sum up everything awesome and absurd about Origin so perfectly.