10 reasons the outlook's bleak for Aussie cricket

While the Ashes have already been surrendered to the old enemy, Australia’s Test team are a long way from rock bottom.

The following are the ten most pressing issues holding Australia’s Test team back.

1. Michael Clarke
Yes, he is the best player, only choice for captain and in unbelievably brilliant batting form since being appointed captain, but he is a major reason why Australia is in its current funk, predicament, mire or any other synonym.

This is because of his vindictive and bitter personality. Simon Katich’s career was ended because of it. As was Andrew Symonds’, and so will be Shane Watson’s in the near future.

While I’ve personally never regarded the last two as anything but one-day players, just imagine if Simon Katich was at the top of the order during this Ashes series? Stability that would’ve been greatly appreciated.

Then there’s also Mike Hussey unexpectedly retiring this year. Ever wondered what part ‘Pup’ played in all that?

2. The people allowing Michael Clarke to run the show
See point 1.

3. The selectors
As stubborn as they are incompetent, the only other sport I can think of with people with less of a clue how to make things work is the AFL.

Common sense need not apply. Only left-field choices, bandwagon selections and a stoic defence of their stupidity.

4. Sacking Mickey Arthur two weeks before the Ashes
Honestly, English Premier League tactics in Test cricket? I certainly like the idea of Darren Lehmann as coach, but not in a last-minute hatched plan to attempt to salvage a series we were destined to be obliterated in.

3-0 or 4-0 was my prediction and I’m liking the latter. People will say we were unlucky in the first and third Tests, but just look at the statistics. It’s plain as day to see we are not good enough.

So now the pressure’s on ‘Boof’ and if we back up with another Ashes series loss in Australia this summer (and we will), he could be gone and his worth will never have had the time to be shown.

5. Tinkering with the line-up
Clarke batted at four in the first Test, then inexplicably dropped to five for the second Test and then back to four for the third.

In the first Test, Smith batted at five and Hughes at six. This immediately drew my attention, because nobody, and I mean nobody, who isn’t a recognized batsman should be batting in the top five (it really should be the top six but such is Australia’s dire situation that this cannot be equipped).

It’s again obvious, because of Hughes’ significant innings in the first Test innings with Ashton Agar, he was promoted not only above Smith, but above Clarke too!

Now this makes my brain hurt. Hughes went from No. 6 to No. 4 to mud scores to being ousted. Check mate, Mr. Trampoline!

And David Warner came back and now he’ll more than likely open in the next Test, so where will Watson bat? Stability is underrated I guess.

6. Lack of quality players
Most people will say this should be point 1.

Save for Clarke, our batting line-up comprises players who are putting their hand up to bat in any position just to get a gig. This says it all.

Everyone can open or bat first drop or hey, why not try the middle order if constant failures are giving you the blues!

Blame T20, blame the ICC, blame DRS, just don’t, please don’t, blame it on the rain. The bottom line is the players are just not good enough to play Test cricket.

I’ve focused on the batsmen, but only Clarke, James Pattinson and Ryan Harris are worthy Test cricketers in the current squad. And these bowlers are either injured or almost injured, then out for months on end.

While the experiment with Agar failed, the lobotomy that is selecting Lyon continues unabated. Wow, he’s finally started to turn ’em, you say.

One wicket later, save the brain!

7. Lack of upcoming players
We all like the sound of Callum Ferguson, Alex Doolan and Chadd ‘Double D’ Sayers, but can they cut it in Test cricket?

The answer is two-fold: We’ll never know and no.

The only exception here is Mitchell Marsh, who is still too young and with a possible attitude problem. That’s just great.

8. Wicket-keeping or wicket-caping?
My first thought here is Brad Haddin needs to have a good, hard look at himself (preferably with clothes on).

The man has batting talent in spades, but temperament in clubs. And his ‘keeping can only be described as disgusting.

How many times will he sell the dummy to first slip for a catch that’s clearly his before he gets the boot?

Matt Wade is waiting but, just like the idea of the player, seems better on paper. I knew the future was darker than darkness itself when he batted at six when in the team. Not even Gilchrist batted at six!

‘Old man’ Hartley’s praises have been sung, but he needs to stay away. Once upon a time, Tim Paine played Test cricket. Injuries and form then went by the wayside, but he’s the logical choice, isn’t he?

Oh wait, it is wicket-caping after all.

9. Injuries
Have you ever seen a more lacklustre bunch of injury-prone players than our current crop? Not just the bowlers, too.

What is the conditioning team up to? I guess it’s all those unjustified pats on the back from each other when they’ve beaten listless teams at home in recent seasons past.

Denial is one thing. Fitness is another.

10. Batting coaches
I’m sorry, but what is going on here? Let’s look at the last three.

If anybody can tell me who Lachlan Stevens was and how he held that position, then I’ll buy you a vintage Duncan Fearnley.

Then we had Justin Langer. I’m loathe to speak his name, because even though he could bat and was a pleasure to watch, the man just can’t speak. Sorry, JL, did you say ‘straight bat’ or ‘cow corner’? No wonder Western Australia have been heinous.

Now we have Michael Di Venuto. I just can’t see how appointing someone who never played Test cricket will help our cause.

My mind will continue to boggle, and the word spelt will be F-A-R-C-E.