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The Roar

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I hate the way England play Test cricket

7th August, 2013
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England's Joe Root, center, celebrates with his teammates after catching New Zealand's Hamish Rutherford, on the fourth day of the second Test match between England and New Zealand. (AP Photo/Scott Heppell)
Expert
7th August, 2013
252
5011 Reads

My goodness how times change. England will hold the Ashes for the third series in a row, and the team has a certain swagger about them.

Meanwhile, the Australian side are a bunch of not-quite-Test standard (yet) players, and their fans have become a pack of whingers.

What type of bizarro-world is this, where everything is back to front?

I hate whingers. It’s my number one pet hate. It’s also the personality trait I despise most in people. Which are all facts that are about to earn me the reputation of being a complete and utter hypocrite, because I’m about to have an almighty whinge.

Specifically, I absolutely hate the way this English team go about their Test cricket.

I hate how none of their fielders can stay on the park for more than 20 seconds. This isn’t a freaking massage parlour guys – get your butt out on the field and stop bending the rules!

I hate the way they consistently and intentionally waste time.

I hate knowing they would never entertain the thought of chasing down 300, even if they had 85 overs to get it, and clear blue skies.

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I hate the fact they were playing for a draw after one and half days of play at Old Trafford.

I hate the way Graeme Swann goes on a tirade about batsmen that don’t walk, but is eerily quiet about Stuart Broad’s decision to stand his ground after middling one.

I hate the knowledge that England use the DRS much better than Australia. Or did until Manchester anyway.

I hate the way England pop their collars like they’ve had starch injected into them. Come to think of it, I hate how white their whites are.

I hate the English rain. I hate the English press. I hate the Balmy Army. I hate ‘Road to Jerusalem’. I hate that Wales beat the Wallabies a hell of a lot more than England did in the recent Lions series.

I absolutely detest Andrew Strauss’ commentary. His ability to suck the life out of any situation has earned him a less-than-flattering nickname from me on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter – and breaking stride for a second – I love that Michael Vaughan has blocked me because he disapproves of the moniker I bestowed upon Strauss. Considering the lip he’s been giving Australians on Twitter for years, it seems Vaughan can tweet it, but can’t take it. But I digress.

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I hate Alastair Cook’s captaincy. His tactical nous looks great when Jimmy Anderson is hooping the ball around, and Graeme Swann is turning it square. Yet the minute a batting partnership begins to look promising, Cook’s on-field courage doesn’t look so solid.

He sends the sweepers out, he holds up play, he over-consults with his bowlers, and he panics far too quickly. Who does he think he is, Ricky Ponting?

I hate the way Kevin Pietersen struts around like he owns the joint. I hate that a South African has a Three Lions tattoo. I hate the way he treats our spinners with such disdain. I hate how unbelievably good he is. I just hate Kevin Pietersen. And because of that, I actually love him.

I hate the way Graeme Swann enjoys his cricket. I hate how he bowls with his sunglasses on. I hate how he over-celebrated Ashton Agar’s wicket, preventing an amazing century on debut. I hate that he actually seems like a good bloke whom I’d love to have a beer with. And I hate the fact that I begrudgingly pay him the biggest compliment an Australian can give a Pom: he has a bit of Aussie about him.

I hate Stuart Broad, the only man alive that can out-smug Ryan Gosling. I hate the fact he chooses when he wants to walk, depending on whether or not Australia has any reviews left. I hate how he takes his shoe off to waste time, so that England don’t have to bowl another over before lunch. I hate his shoulder pads.

I hate how Joe Root, depending on the sun, either looks like a 12 year old, or Ellen DeGeneres.

I hate Jonny Bairstow’s batting technique, which I think is horrible, especially for a red head. What I really hate is that Australia has been unable to fully expose his horrible technique. He shouldn’t even have accumulated 20 runs in the series so far with that rubbish excuse for Test Match batting.

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I hate the way Jonathan Trott takes 45 minutes between each ball to gather himself. And yes, predictably, I hate the fact he’s South African. I also hate that he always fields at first slip to Swann, even though he’s a terrible slipper. Actually, I don’t mind that one.

I hate the thought that Tim Bresnan can probably drink me under the table.

I hate that Ian Bell has gone from being someone Australia collectively laughed at for his incompetence with the willow in his hands to a world-class batsman with one of the best techniques – and temperaments – in Test cricket. I preferred it when he was ‘The Sherminator’.

I hate that Jimmy Anderson is possibly the best swing bowler in international cricket at present. I hate the fact his bowling average is now below 30, and that he doesn’t bowl absolute pies anymore. I hate the way he bends it both ways. I hate his face after a close decision, when it looks like he’s sucked on a lemon.

I hate the way Matt Prior appeals for everything. And I mean everything. Wicket-keepers are notorious for believing everything is out, but this guy takes it to another level. He probably still thinks Usman Khawaja hit it.

I hate that England are good enough to beat us, but overall, not really that good at all, despite what they and their fans may think.

Most of all, I hate that Australia are losing to England.

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Did I also mention I hate whingers?

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