My goodness how times change. England will hold the Ashes for the third series in a row, and the team has a certain swagger about them.
Meanwhile, the Australian side are a bunch of not-quite-Test standard (yet) players, and their fans have become a pack of whingers.
What type of bizarro-world is this, where everything is back to front?
I hate whingers. It’s my number one pet hate. It’s also the personality trait I despise most in people. Which are all facts that are about to earn me the reputation of being a complete and utter hypocrite, because I’m about to have an almighty whinge.
Specifically, I absolutely hate the way this English team go about their Test cricket.
I hate how none of their fielders can stay on the park for more than 20 seconds. This isn’t a freaking massage parlour guys – get your butt out on the field and stop bending the rules!
I hate the way they consistently and intentionally waste time.
I hate knowing they would never entertain the thought of chasing down 300, even if they had 85 overs to get it, and clear blue skies.
I hate the fact they were playing for a draw after one and half days of play at Old Trafford.
I hate the way Graeme Swann goes on a tirade about batsmen that don’t walk, but is eerily quiet about Stuart Broad’s decision to stand his ground after middling one.
I hate the knowledge that England use the DRS much better than Australia. Or did until Manchester anyway.
I hate the way England pop their collars like they’ve had starch injected into them. Come to think of it, I hate how white their whites are.
I hate the English rain. I hate the English press. I hate the Balmy Army. I hate ‘Road to Jerusalem’. I hate that Wales beat the Wallabies a hell of a lot more than England did in the recent Lions series.
I absolutely detest Andrew Strauss’ commentary. His ability to suck the life out of any situation has earned him a less-than-flattering nickname from me on Twitter.
Speaking of Twitter – and breaking stride for a second – I love that Michael Vaughan has blocked me because he disapproves of the moniker I bestowed upon Strauss. Considering the lip he’s been giving Australians on Twitter for years, it seems Vaughan can tweet it, but can’t take it. But I digress.
I hate Alastair Cook’s captaincy. His tactical nous looks great when Jimmy Anderson is hooping the ball around, and Graeme Swann is turning it square. Yet the minute a batting partnership begins to look promising, Cook’s on-field courage doesn’t look so solid.
He sends the sweepers out, he holds up play, he over-consults with his bowlers, and he panics far too quickly. Who does he think he is, Ricky Ponting?
I hate the way Kevin Pietersen struts around like he owns the joint. I hate that a South African has a Three Lions tattoo. I hate the way he treats our spinners with such disdain. I hate how unbelievably good he is. I just hate Kevin Pietersen. And because of that, I actually love him.
I hate the way Graeme Swann enjoys his cricket. I hate how he bowls with his sunglasses on. I hate how he over-celebrated Ashton Agar’s wicket, preventing an amazing century on debut. I hate that he actually seems like a good bloke whom I’d love to have a beer with. And I hate the fact that I begrudgingly pay him the biggest compliment an Australian can give a Pom: he has a bit of Aussie about him.
I hate Stuart Broad, the only man alive that can out-smug Ryan Gosling. I hate the fact he chooses when he wants to walk, depending on whether or not Australia has any reviews left. I hate how he takes his shoe off to waste time, so that England don’t have to bowl another over before lunch. I hate his shoulder pads.
I hate how Joe Root, depending on the sun, either looks like a 12 year old, or Ellen DeGeneres.
I hate Jonny Bairstow’s batting technique, which I think is horrible, especially for a red head. What I really hate is that Australia has been unable to fully expose his horrible technique. He shouldn’t even have accumulated 20 runs in the series so far with that rubbish excuse for Test Match batting.
I hate the way Jonathan Trott takes 45 minutes between each ball to gather himself. And yes, predictably, I hate the fact he’s South African. I also hate that he always fields at first slip to Swann, even though he’s a terrible slipper. Actually, I don’t mind that one.
I hate the thought that Tim Bresnan can probably drink me under the table.
I hate that Ian Bell has gone from being someone Australia collectively laughed at for his incompetence with the willow in his hands to a world-class batsman with one of the best techniques – and temperaments – in Test cricket. I preferred it when he was ‘The Sherminator’.
I hate that Jimmy Anderson is possibly the best swing bowler in international cricket at present. I hate the fact his bowling average is now below 30, and that he doesn’t bowl absolute pies anymore. I hate the way he bends it both ways. I hate his face after a close decision, when it looks like he’s sucked on a lemon.
I hate the way Matt Prior appeals for everything. And I mean everything. Wicket-keepers are notorious for believing everything is out, but this guy takes it to another level. He probably still thinks Usman Khawaja hit it.
I hate that England are good enough to beat us, but overall, not really that good at all, despite what they and their fans may think.
Most of all, I hate that Australia are losing to England.
Did I also mention I hate whingers?
nickyc
Guest
Our nationality is British not English or Scottish, Welsh or Irish for that matter. Although in team sports we play as separate entities it is more confusing than that with most of them also competing as GB with added complications in relation to NI. Personally I support my fellow Brits in sport whichever part of the UK they come from - well ok maybe not the Scottish football team. Please note there is no longer an empire and that even when there was Scotland was one of the initiators of empire as part of GB by their own choice. Indeed Scots played a disproportionate role in creating an empire. Some Scots are seeking independence from the rest if the UK, but given that support for Scottish independence is higher in England than Scotland it seems unlikely the nationalists will win the referendum as things stand. Re the Olympics the last time that GB won more medals than Oz prior to 2012 was 2008. In 27 Olympics Oz have won more medals than GB seven times. However, overall GB have won more medals at the Olympics than any other country apart from the USA and the former Soviet Union. Suggest you check the world hockey rankings before making that claim.
nickyc
Guest
Boycott was talking about this match on the radio the other day. Apparently the skipper Cowdrey wasn't too keen to go for the run chase on a turning wicket but Graveney, Barrington and the keeper Jim Parks pressured him into it. Incidentally Eng chased down 288 to beat NZ at OT in 2008 so I'm not entirely sure Ronan's right in his assertion. I think if you look at the list of England's highest successful fourth innings run chases quite a few have come in the last ten years. Having said that, that's probably true of quite a few teams. Finally, for negativety in test cricket you'd have to go a long way to beat the Aussie side of the Simpson-Lawry era.
nickyc
Guest
That was in response to the Aussie press describing the 1986/87 Eng team as the worst ever to tour Oz. And of course Eng then proceeded to win the series. As for domination, Oz won eight in a row between 1989-2002/03. Since 2002/03 Eng have won four out of five.
nickyc
Guest
Negative! Bit rich given the NZ coach said the limit of their ambition was to draw the home series with Eng and that they had prepared their pitches with this in mind.
Andrew
Guest
CA do not really care about Cricket in this country. James Sutherland would sell his Grandma if he got a good price. Too much is barely enough. I don't mind international T20 or one dayers or Tests as long as the competition is tight and players of high quality. But the marketing department at Cricket Australia would do your head in. They would play a T20 game, every day of the year if they could. http://www.espncricinfo.com/australia-v-india-2011/content/current/story/551843.html Talk about killing the Golden Goose. Cricket Australia are No 1 - a profit making enterpirse who would try and flog ice to the eskimos. No 2 - looking after cricket. Sutherland just trots around Australia, doing absolutely nothing for the game and telling people exactly what they want to hear. Adelaide might host the World Cup Final... http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/sport...-world-cup-final/story-e6frectl-1226261309671 Sydney might host the World Cup Final... http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/c...-world-cup-final/story-fn67w6pa-1226257967136 Can't wait till he flies into Broome. spin, spin............spin! He is almost as bad a politician as the Kevin and Tony show. Lets vote with India on every ICC issue. A damning report on Sutherland and the ability to have his vote bought for cash. http://www.theaustralian.com.au/new...f-icc-governance/story-e6frg7rx-1226261253295 Australia, whose chief executive James Sutherland is an advocate of the DRS, voted with India to make its use subject to agreement between the two sides involved. Australia, like every other cricket nation, relies on the patronage of India for much of its broadcast revenue and it is assumed this was part of the reason for it voting against something it publicly supported. James Sutherland should be sacked and a new fresh face made CEO of Cricket Australia.
anfalicious
Guest
Great rant :) I like that Australia is losing, winning was getting boring, but I wish it wasn't to England :P
anfalicious
Guest
Ha! TWatson :P
clipper
Guest
To be fair, you could say the weather in England is 2.5 times worse than Australia and limits the amount of training and sports people can be involved in.
JimmyB
Guest
Every single commentator, pundit, fan etc that I've seen or heard said it was out, but it doesn't really matter. Just seems churlish of some posters to use all these ifs and buts (particularly Broad) to suggest that Australia were unlucky in the first test. England outplayed Australia in the first and second test, Australia outplayed England in the third, however if you read the general consensus on here, they were robbed by the weather as if it was somehow inevitable that England were going to get rolled over because Australia had got 3 quick wickets( not for the first time in the series ). The main reason that Australia didn't win the third test is because they weren't quite good enough to enforce the follow on. How do we like them apples?!
Ryan O'Connell
Expert
Yeah, probably a good idea to delete that comment.
Blocker
Guest
Statler and Waldorf
Roar Guru
gee thanks.... :)
deccas
Guest
GALLOPOLI!!!!!!
deccas
Guest
He just wasnt though. It was a 50 50 call. He may or may not have been out, but with all that camera work you couldnt for sure say that his foot wasnt on the ground or even if it was. Thats whythe benefit of the doubt was given to the batsmen.
Warren Jensen
Roar Rookie
I think the English press said that the '89 team that went to England was the worst touring team ever (until this one apparently) and I think Australia won 4-0 in a 6 test series which began a stranglehold on the Urn. It will be interesting to see how long this period of "domination" runs for
Reality
Guest
Whilst I agree, it is a bit more complicated, I see the equivalents as NSW (England) will support all other states VIC (Scotland) will support all states except NSW, even when NSW play NZ & England & Anybody else QLD (Wales) will support all states except NSW, even when NSW play NZ WA (NI) will support all other states except NZ(Ireland) NZ (Ireland) will support themselves only NSW, VIC, QLD & WA all get behind Australia (GB) NZ will get behind themselves, apart from once every 4 years for the Anzac (Lions) test. Apologies for leaving out TAS and NT but I ran out of states/Territories!
Ryan O'Connell
Expert
Mate, thank you for posting that piece, it was a great read and very interesting. It's difficult to compare teams from different eras, but I thought that was done in a fair and reasonable way. Gee, I would pay a LOT of money to see the great Windies team in their prime go up against that Australian team in their prime.
Reality
Guest
Yes, well done, I think you actually get it!!
dasilva
Roar Guru
"you’d all have a problem with him playing for England if the tables were turned. a bit embarrassing really" That's a bit presumptuous. Ok I heard people complain about Panesar even though he was born in England but I just thought that was due to either ignorant or racist minority. I can't speak for anyone else but I take residence far more important than heritage and parental roots not just for sports but in terms of politics as well (eg I would oppose a German like citizenship criteria based on parentage rather than country of birth) I despise people who question the allegiance of people who are born in this country because their parents were born in a different country whilst at the same time disapprove people who reject national identity of this country over the heritage of their parents despite never setting foot in the country of their parents. If you are loyal to the country your parents came from than you should migrate there IMO. I actually support the one thing that differs ICC from FIFA is that ICC got rid of the parent rule after the 1996 World cup due to the UAE team was filled with cricketers who barely lived in that country. I would support FIFA removing the parent and grandparent rule from their elegibility criteria. Should just be citizen of the country + either birth or residential for 5 years for elegibility criteria. No problems with Trott and Pietersen and Prior or Strauss migrating to England and playing for them. I only mention that Trott wasn't a product of English youth development but never question his right to represent England as he actually migrated there and lived there long enough.
Si why
Guest
So you out played us and lost? That comment is a little bit odd