No, this wasn’t a gag from the latest Hangover movie. This was real life. A dwarf set on fire by a professional footballer. Read it and giggle.
Come on, you know you want to. It’s funny. It’s a little guy! Right?
Surely this was something resembling the train of thought – if there was one at all – chugging along inside the head of St Kilda’s Clinton Jones, when he strolled straight into the top two of the Stupidest Mad Monday Acts of All Time countdown.
Nothing, not even this, will beat Joel Monaghan’s decision to invite upon himself a canine’s interpretation of fellatio. But gee, it comes close.
AFL supremo Andrew Demetriou had to be told twice that this incident was legit – that a dwarf entertainer did indeed have his clothes ignited at a Mad Monday celebration held by St Kilda players.
Even he had to bow to the hilarity of it all on Talking Footy, going into an uncontrollable giggle fit when Luke Darcy put the matter to him.
I guess if you enter the dwarf entertainment industry, at some level you accept everything you do is going to be considered hilarious by cavemen on a bender.
This understanding, however, does not include having your clothes set on fire by a bloke who was apparently trying to do it to his mates all day.
I remember a mate of mine was doing that at a gathering one time at uni. He was a dickhead. Jones was a dickhead on Monday.
Throw in the fact not only was he successful, but his target was a dwarf, and it would probably pass as a cheap joke in The Hangover. You can imagine it. Funny in a movie, a little bit.
But yeah, this is real life. A guy actually did this reprehensible thing. The CEO of the competition he plays in actually laughed out loud when he was told about it on live TV. And his club only fined him $3000.
Let’s stop there for a second. $3000. OK, there’s not exactly any case law that can determine an appropriate fine for a footballer who has taken a stove gas lighter to a dwarf’s costume.
He’s not about to get sacked or suspended. And it’s hard to conceive him being dragged in front of the AFL Commission to answer to the now-infamous rule 1.6.
But at the same time, it’s also hard to deny he hasn’t brought the game into disrepute. At least, the word ‘disrepute’ seems like a pretty liberal definition these days.
This was wet lettuce leaf stuff. In the statement released by St Kilda, the incident was ludicrously described as “inadvertent”.
Perhaps Jones was walking back after lighting the barbecue and tripped, fell, slipped and poor Blake Johnston was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“As a playing group we were engaged in end of season activities which in hindsight were quite childish. I made an error of judgement in including Mr Johnston in the activity,” he said.
You don’t say.
“I am embarrassed if this has caused angst and certainly had no intention to cause any harm to anyone, including the St Kilda Football Club and its members.”
Or, you know, Mr Johnston himself. Or Mr Big, which is the name he performs under.
But I digress. This was simply a dickhead act by a player we can now comfortably label a ‘dickhead’, on a day when dickhead behaviour is implicitly encouraged.
Dickheads are not exclusive to the AFL. There are dickheads everywhere. We’ve all been there from time to time.
I could regale you with countless tales from uni that would make Clinton Jones look like Mother Teresa. It happens.
There was even one student body-sanctioned event I did not attend – only because I was underage – that had dwarf waiters dressed as Oompa Loompas.
Young people are dickheads. Add alcohol and a desire to let loose after a long stretch at work and they become even bigger dickheads.
Dickheads play football at every level, from grassroots right up to the AFL, and a good 90 percent of them will have a Mad Monday, whether their club knows about it or not, because that’s just what you do.
People cross the line. It is what it is. It will only ever be stopped by an overwhelming stance against dickheadism from the inner sanctum of a playing group.
Good luck with that.
Jones had an absolute shocker and should be ashamed of himself, as a professional athlete and as a human being.
But it’s not just him who comes away from this with his image dented.
Demetriou needs to take a good, hard look in the mirror if he thinks laughing on TV is an appropriate reaction from the chief executive of the AFL.
His timing’s impeccable. The game has been only disgraced by an ongoing drugs crisis all season at the same time as his administration’s conduct and integrity has been questioned.
St Kilda, by the same token, should have given Jones a far bigger whack.
All a $3000 penalty does is belittle the victim, as if lighting a dwarf’s clothes on fire while off your chops is probably on par or only slightly worse than making reckless contact with an umpire.
I’m not sure what would have been a better penalty, but $3000 doesn’t feel like a great one.
Then again, nothing in this awful affair has been great. In fact, I think we all just need to settle down and have a drink.
AL
Guest
Nice one Kane. Just imagine if what we saw in the AFL clips was soccer??? AFL violence - just the boys having too much to drink nothing to see here. Soccer violence - All hooligans. Dont go to the games as you might get murdered.
Bill C
Guest
It won't catch on.....oops
Dalgety Carrington
Guest
Ahh so it's not the virtues of soccer you lording over AFL, but rather AUSTRALIAN soccer? So what makes AUSTRALIAN soccer a special case?
Brad
Guest
It's funny that you yourself wrote "try and insult me if you'd like that only proves my point more". Pot. Kettle. Black. Anyway I have no idea what you're talking about regarding mark.
Brad
Guest
Kane, the second video contradicts the first video. The second video clearly demonstrates that when a spectator is a goose at any sporting event, it will be reported as such.
Dalgety Carrington
Guest
Shall we talk about the top administrators in soccer then? And the clean and transparent process that is the World Cup hosting rights allocation.
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
And what of your man Mark digging up incidents? If you're such a crusader against "Digging up incidents" Then why haven't you gone off at him? Got you there redneck boy.
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhKd164AZhg Maybe you need to see this.
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
Such a big meanie that big bad sokkah man. Listen, if I wrote an article comprised of the rhetoric in my comments it probably wouldn't be published. My articles represent an informed view on the sports I have an interest in, I leave straightening out the VFL cheer squad to comments. :)
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
It's hard to see facts through so many tears I know.
Connor
Guest
you know Cassidy, considering you're a "Pro" on this website and have written and published articles, the comments you make are quite pathetic. If you were a normal nuisance soccer fan who was just like me and so many other people, we would merely label you a troll. But the fact that you abuse AFL (probably NRL as well), is just a complete lack of decency from someone who should show responsibility as a writer. I hope you have your ability to write articles revoked. someone with such negative views shouldnt be allowed to write
Brad
Guest
You're embarrassing yourself again Kane. It's not a good look for you.
Brad
Guest
"Take that you pathetic brainwashed Neanderthal" I wouldn't consider myself a Neanderthal, but thanks for the Ad hominem attack anyway. Stay classy Kane. But anyway, I did look at the video you posted and its a bit of a joke to be honest. Here are a few problems for you: 1. You've commented numerous times that us football fans should join you soccer types in the 21st century. Fair enough. But the incident in the video is from the 20th century (1996). So you're only example of football hooliganism comes from a century which you want us to leave behind. Oops. 2. The video compares the news report of the soccer incident with a clip from the show 20/1 regarding the football incident. This makes a comparison between an apple and an orange look fair. Why didn't the video compare the news report of both incidents? 20/1 isn't the news, it's meant to be a light hearted take on historical events from the POV of minor celebrities. 3. Even if the video did compare the news reporting of both incidents, they occurred almost 20 years apart. The reporting of so much has changed dramatically in that time. 4. Whilst breaking a behind post and starting a small fire on the ground is pretty stupid behaviour, it's interesting to compare the circumstances that lead up to both incidents. The football incident involved a total blackout at the ground - clearly a *very* unusual and chaotic event. The soccer incident was just a bog standard home and away game at which nothing unusual occurred except that the game didn't end in a draw. 5. Interestingly when you listen to the soccer news item they use expressions like "another incident" and "happened again". Maybe this explains why the story was reported in a negative light? It's something that happens more often than once in a blue moon. 6. Ill repeat point 1. It's embarrassing that the makers of the video needed to dredge up a 17 year old incident because nothing similar has happened since. How many flares get lit every year at NSL games? That post was embarrassing even by your lowly standards Kane.
Ando
Guest
His stupidity was setting "people on fire" he had been doing it all day. They fact that he extended this stupidty to lighting the dwarf shows equality.
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
You ALF fans are very fond of your micro points aren't you?
c
Guest
why does my post get removed when it is as biting but as accurate as this one but from my sokkah perspective why bias that is why and let me know when this one is posted
Australian Rules
Guest
"Try and insult if you’d like that only proves my point more."
wotdoo
Guest
it wasnt out of left field he has mentioned that he was told about it during the preceding add break now how about if you swap the dwarf with a woman or a black man or muslim there would be mayhem over it . funny or not AD is getting past his time
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
Here's the problem with what you're saying, you're talking about FANS in UKRAINE. I'm talking about a PLAYER and the top level ADMINISTRATOR in AUSTRALIA. Get your head around that one then come back to me mate.
Kane Cassidy
Roar Guru
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayGCHtrmmiE Alright then explain this then. Talk about being obsessed by fire and what's with the media labelling that as "A few larrakins having a good time" Take that you pathetic brainwashed neanderthal.