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NRL and AFL grand final entertainment has always been bad. In fact, we have become so accustomed to embarrassingly banal ‘entertainment’ on grand final day it is almost a tradition.
At best it is an exercise in mediocrity: something to provide a bit of background noise while waiting at the bar or cleaning the BBQ.
Think last year’s Good Charlotte performance.
At worst, it is so embarrassingly awkward that its cringe-worthiness will live on for years as the punch-line in a blooper reel.
Think Billy Idol’s 2002 non-performance.
It’s not difficult to understand why grand final entertainment fails to inspire.
Unlike the NFL, the NRL (and even the AFL) does not have the war-chest to secure big name artists or artistic directors, especially when these artists are to be the warm-up act for the main game.
Generally, Australian footy audiences will usually see one of two scenarios: a young performer who has not yet cracked the big time or an ageing superstar in the twilight of their career.
However, grand final entertainment is also tacky for another reason.
Like most things to do with football, it is another opportunity for a commercial cash-grab, with sponsors and advertisers also playing their role.
This is how we ended up with the disastrously bizarre ‘Optus Vision’ monstrosity of ’96 and why celebrities are inexplicably transported around the ground in utes.
This year, though, the NRL’s choice of performer is truly baffling. Or at least it would be if it weren’t so utterly predictable.
Ricky ‘Livin la Vida Loca’ Martin. Who else?
It wasn’t hard to pick. After all, every grand final or State of Origin performer over the last few years has been either a contestant, or judge, on Channel Nine’s ‘The Voice’.
I can only guess what sort of deal was done to secure Slick Rick’s appearance: Channel Nine, being the grand final broadcaster, is already paying Ricky Martin to appear on their network anyway, so securing him would’ve been both cheap and easy for the NRL.
Additionally, Martin undoubtedly gets to promote his new single and Nine gets to promote its program. Everybody wins.
Except for the fans, that is.
As is customary at this time of year, let us compare the NRL’s grand final performer with our good friends over at the AFL, who have employed Australian rock groups Hunters and Collectors and Birds of Tokyo to perform at this year’s big dance.
While the NRL certainly gets the distinction of having secured the bigger name, the AFL massively outscores league in the ‘knowing your audience’ category.
With no disrespect to Martin, who is a respected performer and seems like a pretty decent bloke, his flamboyant style is not exactly congruous with what people expect from a game of footy.
Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions about Martin’s ability to appeal to NRL fans, however Fox Sports is reporting Martin himself has asked choreographers to ‘butch’ up his performance, which tells me even he is concerned about his relevance.
However, while the choice does seem out of touch, there may be potential positives.
For instance, it’s possible Martin’s demographic may tune in for his performance and possibly even stay tuned for the game.
It is a chance for the NRL to look open-minded and inclusive.
But ultimately they don’t really care. Their business is football and anything else that day is an afterthought.
They are hardly going to lose viewers by having a lacklustre pre-game show, so why bother spending the big bucks? The benefits just don’t outweigh the costs.
At best, grand final entertainment appears misguided and out of touch. At worst it shows utter contempt for fans.
Just once I’d like to see the NRL break the mould.
Spend the cash. Call in favours. Do whatever it takes to ensure a legitimately enticing pre-game prospect.
Just imagine the hype they could generate by pulling an ace out of their sleeves.
Imagine how professional they could look if they were to put on a good quality spectacle.
Imagine how innovative they could look if they put on a show that makes the highlight reel for years to come, instead of the blooper reel.
Imagine the exposure they could get by securing a performer with wide-ranging international appeal; or by doing something that goes viral for all the right reasons.
I may be wrong, but it feels like these benefits are never considered when it’s time to plan the pre-game show.
When all is said and done, things are not likely to change, and footy will be (and should always be) the star of the show.
But it’s still nice to think of the possibilities.
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