The NRL grand final is only days away and by now you’ve endured almost an entire week of yawn inducing analysis and pointless speculation.
With both Manly and the Roosters keeping their cards close to their major sponsors, much of the talk has revolved around ‘key’ player match-ups.
Mitchell Pearce versus Daly Cherry Evans. Anthony Minichiello versus Brett Stewart. Sonny Bill Williams calf versus Beau Ryan, and so on.
Such talk is pointless, and actually quite short sighted.
For you see grand final players will ultimately not be judged just against their opponents, but rugby league history itself.
So instead of something boring like picking the Clive Churchill medal winner, I’m going to go out on a limb and pick players place in the record books.
With a little help from some old friends of course.
The Changa
The Changa is obviously the regularly impressive player who just goes out and has an absolute turkey of a game on the biggest day of the year.
I like Michael Jennings as my Chang. He’s been playing good on a far too consistent basis for mine and seems to be slowly edging closer to a top shelf stinker.
Plus, the man usually rocks some flashy boots too.
The Jacko
The Changa’s binary opposite, the Jacko is the Neville nobody who has scraped into the team at the last minute thanks to injury, yet goes out and plays like Dally Messenger on peptides.
Because there’s every chance he’ll be capt-coaching the Mudgeeraba Redbacks next year, but is actually a pretty handy player, I cannot go past Manly’s David Gower as my Jacko.
Unlike most fans, who could quite easily go past him, given they have no idea who the hell he is.
The Junior
The Junior is the bloke from the losing side who the camera pans on to after the match just as a couple of sneaky tears (“My eyeballs were sweating”) are breaking the dam walls.
Obviously the value bet here is Mitchell Pearce, he has form in this area, is a sensitive new age guy (cry baby) and has a fantastic pedigree.
The Villa
This man is the bloke who gets a little too excited and becomes the footy equivalent of the soldier who decides to charge the enemy machine gun nest on his own with nothing but a Swiss army knife.
Last year’s grand final we got to see a textbook case with James ‘Gummy’ Graham going the chomp, and this year promises to be no different with a deep field of brain snappers.
Steve Matai, JWH, Luke O’Donnell, Anthony Watmough….wow.
Despite his more fancied rivals I’m tipping a dark horse in Justin Horo, who has shown some nice touches of loony in recent weeks and may look to outdo his opposite numbers.
The Smithy
This one is named after Craig Smith, and is a player who no one can remember actually played in the grand final side.
I’m not talking about former New Zealand and Queensland player Craig Smith by the way, but the bloke who was Ko’d by Jamie Ainscough in 99 and then disappeared into thin air.
Due to the fact that I watched an interview with him for fifteen minutes before realising who it was I’m choosing Jamie Buhrer.
Honestly, the bloke must wear his headgear to Brookvale so security will let him in, and if his coach can forget he’s on the bench next to hum then what hope do fans have?
The Rudder
Resident pilot fish who has managed to gain entry to the grand final thanks to the far more talented players in the team picking up the slack.
Has to be Sean Kenny Dowell, whose presence in the Roosters backline has at times this season looked like Darryl Brohman in the Chippendales.
The Satts
The bloke who is destined to secure a cushy after dinner speaker gig and never have to buy a round at the pub on the basis of one magical, pull it out of your ass play on the big day.
I like David Williams after last week’s try, and the fact that he clearly seems comfortable irritatingly milking, I mean, making the most out of his opportunities.
The Doom
A little hard to explain this one and only really for the trainspotters watching the lower grades.
The Doom (named after fictional character Luke Dumasis from the excellent book A Day at the Races) is the bloke who has played a fair whack of first grade but is appearing in the lower grades decider.
Despite being a cut above everyone else Doom over plays his hand far too much, thus greatly hurting his team’s chances.
While it’s been a while since he’s played in the NRL, Luke Capewell for the Windsor Wolves is my absolute lock here.
Here’s hoping for a great game with plenty of character
Manly by eight.
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