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From the moment referee Ashley Klein was forced to pick himself up off the Holiday Inn’s waxy reception floor, it became quite clear that the possibility of losing the Rugby League World Cup final was something that Australia had failed to plan for in 2008.
While the almost Monstars-style favouritism of the Kangaroos in that particular tournament could explain the oversight by team management, with the current Kiwis squad quickly becoming the best ever to have been assembled in the black n white, it is unlikely that Australia will be similarly unprepared if their fate in the RLWC2013 final mirrors that of five years ago.
For you see while many in Australia were sort of alright to “take one for the team” and let New Zealand have a win for the good of the game etc in 2008, losing the World Cup final to the same team again after five years of stewing over it like a Greg McCallum 1990s forward pass call would be akin to Def Con 4 for the Australian rugby league.
Hence, it’s come to my attention that there exists a ready to go plan hidden in Jamie Olejnik’s shorts at rugby league central in Sydney should the Kangas come a cropper at Old Trafford.
The plan is simple – we ban all New Zealanders from the NRL.
For far too long now Australian rugby league has been piggybacking around New Zealand, and how have they repaid us?
I’ll tell you how, by being like your goofy mate who can only beat you at pool when there is a large crowd of attractive women watching you.
By embarrassing us at precisely the wrong moment on the world stage, that’s how.
Now this step may sound like a technical impossibility, given the amount of New Zealand players currently in the NRL and the legalities of Trans-Tasman Visa arrangements.
However, by taking a few small steps they’d practically ban themselves.
Firstly, and most obviously we boot the Warriors out of the comp.
Shouldn’t be too hard really, the powers that be have managed to construct a set of completely unknown criteria for keeping teams out of the competition for the last decade, surely making up some to boot a side out shouldn’t be that hard.
Either that or just not give them any free-to-air games or exposure in the rugby league media and they should disappear by themselves soon enough.
Secondly the Auckland Rugby League Nines tournament must be moved.
Greater Western Sydney is crying out for more rugby league games and would welcome the tournament with open arms, and I hear you haven’t seen rugby league until you’ve watched a match in the midday sun at Penrith in February.
Or finally, have the NRL amend its uniform code, whereby the only acceptable player tattoos must either be Southern Crosses or deeply naff ‘Such is Life’ style motivational quotes, with anything resembling an artistic family or tribal orientated tat earning a player immediate de-registering.
Following through with the above will help to bring back the ‘purity’ of the NRL (not INRL you might notice) and help ensure that Australian rugby league isn’t again made to look stupid by our smart arse little brother.
Granted, things might be a little bit less exciting in the NRL with no Shaun Johnson, Isaac Luke or Sonny Bill Williams running around, but are we not willing to pay that price for glory in Cape Town in 2017?
I thought not.
And while we’re on the topic of exiting players, those Burgess fellas…
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