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The 2013 world rugby XXIII

5th December, 2013
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5th December, 2013
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Though it may seem easy to name a World XXIII for rugby in 2013 – any 23 New Zealanders – I have selected a team based on my criteria, which will be rational, yet arbitrary and somewhat idiosyncratic.

A few of my rules: New Zealand has a quota of six in the starting side, South Africa gets at least five, and in the larger squad of 23 we must have at least two Aussies and one Frenchman.

Due to Wales’ surly and truculent attitude, they will only be awarded a place if I am gracious.

English players can make it, if they emigrate and qualify for some other team.

My team will not be based on history; only this year. Also, I will not be sentimental – Richie McCaw may be a World Heritage site, and one of the world’s greatest natural wonders, but he and Brian O’Driscoll can sit on Mount Olympus and watch my team play.

Also, I like props who are never dominated at scrum-time, and so they must not be in the team primarily for their ‘play around the park’, or ‘work rate’.

I like them to work hard, lift clean, smash loiterers at the ruck, and rag doll flyhalves, but first, they must scrum like behemoth beserker brigands.

I like hookers with stamina, and I think line-out throwing is not just a minor issue.

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Locks must be scary. I don’t subscribe to second rowers who are run over by flyhalves (even once, ever) or put up with any shenanigans.

They need to be able to lift a house, do the pommel horse on the goalposts, and inspire foul oaths and imprecations among their foes. Maybe even cause their opposition to bite them, in frustration.

Loose forwards must be smart, hungry, and ruthless. I like them to be comfortable in any spot on the field, if they find themselves in an unusual position.

I like scrumhalves with beautiful, fast passing skills, because that’s 95% of their job. If they kick well, and see the field, that’s great, too.

I like a flyhalf who is magisterial, but not afraid to tackle. Do we have any, any more?

Midfielders need to be athletes with a penchant for collisions and eyes that swivel; but at No. 13, it’s nice to see some trickery, too.

Wings must finish. Tries, tackles, chances, matches.

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Fullbacks must have super high rugby IQ and an educated boot, along with some verve.

So here is my team (with the bench eight in parentheses following their position):

1. Tendai Mtawarira (Marcos Ayerza)
2. Stephen Moore (Bismarck du Plessis)
3. Nicolas Mas (Matias Diaz)
4. Eben Etzebeth (Paul O’Connell)
5. Sam Whitelock
6. Willem Alberts (Liam Messam)
7. Francois Louw
8. Kieren Read (c)
9. Fourie du Preez (Aaron Smith)
10. Aaron Cruden (Quade Cooper)
11. Julian Savea
12. Jean de Villiers (vc)
13. Conrad Smith
14. George North
15. Israel Dagg (Willie le Roux)

Israel Folau was unlucky not to make it, but he spent most of the year figuring out where to stand when he didn’t have the ball. He’ll make it next year, I’m sure.

Willie le Roux, on the other hand, was everywhere a guy should be.

Wesley Fofana is unlucky, but Conrad Smith is clairvoyant and just won’t give in or up.

Bryan Habana scored some crackers, but he still gambles on defence too much, and Savea was a revelation.

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Ben Smith is the world’s luckiest wing, but he is unlucky here.

If Quade Cooper had played a few more Tests, he might have taken the starting No. 10 jersey from Cruden, but I have to give it to an All Black, given the importance of the flyhalf in the New Zealand system, and his role in the unbeaten season.

The Argentine locks are unlucky, but they lost too much to get more representation.

Sam Cane and Steven Luatua are unlucky, but Alberts and Louw were deadly all year.

Bismarck falls to the bench because he needs to work on this throws.

Cian Healy is unlucky, but I don’t like how short his arms are at scrum time.

What do you Roarers think?

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