Five NFL headlines you won’t read in 2014

Chris Chard Columnist

By Chris Chard, Chris Chard is a Roar Expert

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    Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. (AP Photo/Gail Burton)

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    The end of the year is a time for reflection, for closure, for trying to fake your way through a rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne.’
    And, if you follow the NFL, a time for futilely speculating about the year to come.

    Yes, with the sweet scent of the playoffs mixing with the omnipresent odour of franchise failure swirling through our nostrils, 2014 is shaping up as an exciting year to be filled with many headline moments.

    Just not any of these ones.

    Ravens trade Joe Flacco
    After winning the 2013 Super Bowl, lifting the Lombardi trophy and visiting Disneyland, Joe Flacco went on to sign a deal with the Baltimore Ravens that made him the best paid player in the NFL.

    Unfortunately to afford smoking Joe’s new deal the Ravens had to shed a whole bunch of players, which kind of came back to bite them in the arse when Flacco had no one to pass the ball to and the Ravens ended up kicking more field goals than are featured in a Jonny Wilkinson tribute DVD.

    Despite this and a few dips in his personal form Flacco is entrenched in B-town, and with the franchise already battling a backlash for letting so many fan favourites go, the Ravens will move to Indianapolis before turfing the Flaccanator.

    Cleveland Browns dominate AFC North
    The AFC North was an intriguing battle this year, as the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers all put in solid seasons to all be in the running for the playoffs in the last round.

    And then there were the Cleveland Browns, who once again were a steaming pile of failure for the majority of the year.

    Whist franchises are capable of swiftly turning around their fortunes in the NFL with good drafting and new coaching structures, the Browns have shown they are equally as crap at these as they are passing and catching.

    There is a slim chance that Cleveland may turn it around in 2014, however a winning season is probably the best they could ever hope for.

    Houston Texans pass on a quarterback in 2014 Draft
    While the 2013 Draft lacked and spectacular offensive pizzazz, the 2014 draft is shaping up to be an absolute barnburner.

    Every which way you look there is A-grade prime beef being paraded about, and gosh dang, don’t you know it? The Houston Texans need a new pair of everything.

    Most importantly they need a new quarterback after Matt Schaub aged 15 years seemingly overnight.

    With number one pick will they go straight for Teddy Bridgewater? Or is there a chance they’ll want to keep Johnny Football in the Lonestar state?

    Either way you’re sure to see a nervous looking greenhorn launching the rockets in Houston.

    NFL team moves to LA
    In the majority of cases, like a 300-pound linebacker at Burger Kling, whatever the NFL wants, it gets.

    However, there is a Hollywood-sized gap in the NFL’s roster as it continues not to have a presence in the USA’s second-most populous city.

    While candidates to take hitch their wagons West have been routinely churned out in recent years (Rams, Raiders, Jaguars) all to date have resisted the seductive call of LA LA land, and 2014 shapes up as being no different.

    Well, not unless the Oakland Coliseum collapses in the next 20 minutes…

    Bill Belichick signs the Patriots up for ‘Hard Knocks’
    New England coach Bill Belichick is a funny bloke.

    He’ll happily throw oddballs like Tim Tebow and Chad Occhocinco a career lifeline, use a punter as a tight-end and quit as head coach without ever taking the job.

    However, there’s more chance of him leading the Macy Thanksgiving parade in a pair of hot pink Zubaz than there is of him letting in a TV crew to film his Patriots pre-season camp.

    In the secrecy stakes Belichick makes the CIA look like bunch of drunken frat boys trying to pick up chicks on Facebook after a three-day booze bender, and is rumoured to always wear a hoodie just to so he can permanently keep his cards close to his chest.

    Any I might have missed Roarers?

    Chris Chard
    Chris Chard

    Chris Chard is a sports humour writer commenting on the often absurd nature of professional sport. A rugby league fan boy with a good blend of youth and experience taking things one week at a time, Chris has written for The Roar since 2011. Tweet him @Vic_Arious

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    The Crowd Says (19)

    • Roar Guru

      January 2nd 2014 @ 9:23am
      Dogs Of War said | January 2nd 2014 @ 9:23am | ! Report

      So critical that the Browns get the right coach. I think they should steal Mike Zimmer from the Bengals. I think he would be perfect for the franchise. No nonsense straight talking sort of bloke who knows the division back to front and has put a top 10 defense up for the last 5 years.

      But that would mean the Browns have the smarts to make the right call. Can’t see it happening.

      • January 2nd 2014 @ 3:10pm
        Kasey said | January 2nd 2014 @ 3:10pm | ! Report

        Why would any coach take the Cleveland job? Even the Detroit job is more attractive surely!

        • Roar Guru

          January 3rd 2014 @ 10:34am
          Dogs Of War said | January 3rd 2014 @ 10:34am | ! Report

          The Detroit job is the best available coaching opening with the talent they have. Detroits problem is that they have no discipline.

          As for Cleveland, they have plenty of talent (just no QB but have the right draft picks), just need the right coach to come in, thus why I thought that Zimmer would be perfect for the club.

          • January 3rd 2014 @ 2:04pm
            Kasey said | January 3rd 2014 @ 2:04pm | ! Report

            The browns should draft Lionel Messi.
            Rationale: it doesn’t matter who the Browns draft. It never has and never will. Until the front Office gets some talent and can make the smart decisions needed to be a stable winning franchise the Browns could jump in the way back machine and draft Joe Montana and he’d be a flop in Ohio.

    • January 2nd 2014 @ 9:31am
      Kasey said | January 2nd 2014 @ 9:31am | ! Report

      You might have missed the start of the Browns Season(They were on TV a lot when I was in Nth America last year) when Brian Hoyer (Local Ohio lad), seemed to be the Browns answer to their seemingly endless issues under centre.
      He received a season ending injury scrambling for a 1st down at Buffalo and the Browns Offence regressed under the sub-standard Brandon Weedon. Hoyer should be back for pre-season and It might save the Browns having to draft another QB in what is being billed as a quality draft for QBs.

      The Browns probably wont dominate the AFC North in 2014, but the Clevelanders I know would probably be happy just to beat the hated Steelers home and away:) With the Ravens vulnerable, the division title IS a possibility IMO.

      I think you are dead right on the Texans, Texas A&Ms Johnny Football to Houston has to be the safest bet in American Sports.

      Interesting that 5(DET, WSH, TAM, MIN and CLE) Head coaches were sacked On Black Monday following the end of the 2013-14 regular season…who’d be an NFL head coach eh? Last Year 6 Head Coaches were let go!
      Better to sack the coaches than have your players set fire to a dwarf lol?

      Headline you definitely wont see in 2014. Lambeau Field sells Naming rights to ‘xx’corporation.

      • January 2nd 2014 @ 3:08pm
        Kasey said | January 2nd 2014 @ 3:08pm | ! Report

        Dogs of War:

        I’m not a Browns fan thank God! !

        But boy they(and their long suffering fans) make interesting watching.. Following the sacking of Rob Chudzinski only a year after being head hunted by the front office, Cleveland fans unloaded on social media at the latest version of “Pro football franchise or national laughing stock?”

        One reporter even point blank asked the owner if the 3 stooges were running the Browns! Kudos to him for having some brass balls!

        PS: Go seahawks!

    • January 2nd 2014 @ 9:58am
      BA Sports said | January 2nd 2014 @ 9:58am | ! Report

      Headline you won’t see;

      Snyder changes name of franchise to the Washington ……

      Interesting one: If Mike Shannahan gets another job will his new owner/GM allow him to sign his son as OC?

      Headline you might see: Vick starting QB at Oakland Raiders who won’t get a good enough draft pick to draft a QB capable of going straight into the NFL and have a history of trying their luck with washed up players.

      • Columnist

        January 2nd 2014 @ 12:12pm
        Chris Chard said | January 2nd 2014 @ 12:12pm | ! Report

        Geez that’s a bloody long headline BA…

        Seriously though Vick to the Raiders? That’s a play right out of the Al Davis playbook….I like it!

    • Roar Guru

      January 2nd 2014 @ 1:39pm
      Tony Loedi said | January 2nd 2014 @ 1:39pm | ! Report

      I’ve never heard of a 300 pound linebacker

      • January 2nd 2014 @ 4:38pm
        mushi said | January 2nd 2014 @ 4:38pm | ! Report

        Wasn’t kirkland 300 pounds at one stage?

        • Roar Guru

          January 2nd 2014 @ 4:48pm
          Tony Loedi said | January 2nd 2014 @ 4:48pm | ! Report

          I think he was 270 – apparently the packers were considering using one of their 300 pound Defensive ends as a rush linebacker before the start of this season

        • January 3rd 2014 @ 4:03pm
          Kasey said | January 3rd 2014 @ 4:03pm | ! Report

          How much did Junior Seau weigh? Maybe he just hit like he weighed 300 lbs!

      • Columnist

        January 2nd 2014 @ 8:17pm
        Chris Chard said | January 2nd 2014 @ 8:17pm | ! Report

        I heard Jamarcus Russell was making the switch?

    • Roar Guru

      January 2nd 2014 @ 5:01pm
      Tony Loedi said | January 2nd 2014 @ 5:01pm | ! Report

      Another one we unfortunately won’t see is “Tebow makes return to NFL”

    • Columnist

      January 2nd 2014 @ 6:56pm
      Alfred Chan said | January 2nd 2014 @ 6:56pm | ! Report

      “JaMarcus Russell to make NFL comeback after breaking 250 pound barrier with liposuction”
      “Peyton Manning revealed to be first successful cyborg, signs 50 year deal”
      “Not even God can get him into the NFL, Tebow renounces religion”
      “Brett Favre announces NFL comeback”
      “NFL schedules regular season game to be played in Australia”

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