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Nine things England lost this summer (and one thing they got)

Roar Rookie
30th January, 2014
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Alastair Cook's side has put Ashes success ahead of victory in the short term. (Image: AFP Photo/William West)
Roar Rookie
30th January, 2014
3

In light of the 9-1 drubbing Australia handed England over the Test and one-day series, it’s apt to compile a list of the things England lost and gained in the past months.

Nine lost, one gained. Let’s begin with the nine things England lost.

1. The Ashes
The prized possession they arrived with was ours before they got over the jetlag.

2. Wickets
Far too regularly, far too cheaply. Most notably in the lower order, with less resistance than a honeymooner’s nightie.

3. Graene Swann
The bloke that bothered us in the northern Summer had a real hard time of it in Australia. In fact, he packed his bags, retired from Test cricket and headed home.

It was a less than glorious end to an entertaining career.

4. Jonathan Trott
No gags here. The loss of their rock in the batting line-up is no joke to him, his family or the team.

5. Respect
In a brutal assessment, the English side played without passion, spirit or belief. Bluntly, they showed zero balls.

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They were confronted with an Australian team ready to avenge past losses and were found out.

Short Tests were a disappointment for observers, but fantastic for the Australians’ golf game.

6. Their captain
Though he shouldn’t lose his job over one awful series, you can’t help but think he may have lost the support of his country.

English tabloids are unforgiving at the best of times, but sections of the British media shouldn’t have enjoyed the vindication of their skipper as much as they seemed to.

Back the poor bloke up, he may be the last English-born skipper you have!

7. Jimmy Anderson’s pace
What happened to it? Consistently reaching 140km/h in England, Anderson hardly had Aussie batsmen shaking in their boots down under.

He was unusually tame, and bordered pedestrian. He bowled without anger, conviction, and swing.

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His overall figures may be somewhat respectable, but junk-time wickets can be flattering.

8. Sleep
One can assume their performance has played on their minds enough to cause them a little restlessness.

That, and the Hawthorn coloured undies they were wearing as Big Bad Mitch Johnson steamed in to bowl.

9. Wardrobe
One can only hope the original one-day strip they had planned to wear was lost in transit, and the sickly red tomato sauce costumes were put together as a last gasp effort to not run out in tracksuits.

But, on a positive note, all wasn’t lost.

What did they get in Australia?

1. Beaten

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