As rugby league’s greatest thinker, big things were expected of Ricky Stuart taking over as coach at the Canberra Raiders. Unfortunately the lime milk has begun to turn sour in the nation’s capital.
Back-to-back losses bigger than Sam Backo’s butt cheeks have begun to bring the heat just as things are supposed to be cooling down, and Stuart has been hauled before the board for a snap meeting later this week to outline exactly how he plans to jump-start the Green Machine.
While this might seem a trifle unfair – is it really Ricky’s fault his team doesn’t have the cattle/finances/rub of the green? – Stuart will undoubtedly showcase his famous determination and walk stoically into Raiders HQ with his battered overhead projector bearing some big plans to get his side a win against the Panthers this weekend.
Here’s five ideas I’d like to see him put forward.
Be more hostile
After two absolute shellackings, it’s likely many Canberra fans may wait for Floriade or drive around some big roundabouts this weekend rather than put themselves through the pain of watching a Raiders game live and run the risk of someone seeing them on the telecast.
This means numbers may be a little bit down, so why not copy some other clubs and move the fixture to the Raiders ‘retro’ spiritual home of Seiffert Oval?
It would be ace. The Panthers wouldn’t know what hit them as their team bus drives through downtown Queanbeyan East looking for the ground, and any fans that wanted to keep a low profile could just sit in the cars at the back of the hill and honk their horns at opportune moments.
Raiders amnesty
It’s no secret that the Raiders have sadly had to let a number of talented football players go over the years after massively breaching their dickhead cap.
But Canberra is the sort of place which has drawn a pretty big crowd for an apology in the past, so why can’t they give all these trouble makers and loveable rogues a chance to come back to town – going around Goulburn of course – and say “We’re sorry”?
Don Furner Jr could then order a royal pardon with Jason Bulgarelli as the event poster boy. Before you know it the Raiders would have a team that you would want to watch, and the team manager would want to watch really, really closely on the flight home.
Look to the past
Most NRL clubs have some sort of heritage day where they’ll wear a jersey that fans actually like and celebrate a famous victory from yesteryear that they can bring up endlessly on internet chat forums.
Going back 20 years or so Canberra had a pretty crack team, so honouring one of these great sides would be a no-brainer.
And what better way to honour them than just throwing them a jersey and letting the 1990 side go round one more time?
Some of the lads might have blown out a bit, but with the number of ‘footballing’ brains in the side surely they’d still be capable of pulling out something special.
If nothing else, it would be nice to see Ricky have a run at Nigel Plum.
Look to the future
Sorry what’s that? The Under-20s side lost by over 50 points? Ahh, moving along…
Try absolutely nothing
By and large the Raiders line-up this year has been very stable. Which would make sense if they were winning games, but at the moment seems like just one depressing foregone conclusion after another.
But despite this and the Raiders’ feeder teams in Mounties and Souths Logan showing some form this year, I’m hoping Ricky continues to pick the same 17 every weekend.
After all it is an odd year, so luck is bound to turn around for the lime green pretty soon. If things continue to slide then Stuart can just put the broom through the place at season’s end and everything will be looking rosy for 2015.
I mean, that’s what he did at Parra and just look how well they’re going now!
Squidward
Roar Rookie
It's actually partially true. You're only sups to give way to the right for the cars there before you in all of NSW (probably australia). But as a frustrated driver. Most of us will have experienced being sitting their giving way to right cars for a few minutes sometimes. But no one knows or cares about that rule
Chris Chard
Expert
Not sure mate, by all reports he's doing pretty well in Q-Cup for Souths-Logan
Don
Roar Rookie
Does anyone know why the Raiders haven't played Kurt Baptise at hooker yet this year? He is a ripper player. Was the U20 team of the year hooker a couple of years ago. Great pass and very fast out of dummy half. Played a few senior games at the Broncos and plenty of people considered him and Jake Granville as better than McCullough.
Don
Roar Rookie
No dramas mate. Feel sorry for any team that signs Stuart but at least the Eels had him out of their hair without a payout.
Statler and Waldorf
Roar Guru
sorry to offend Don. For what it is worth I am not bagging the Eels.
Trent
Guest
Actually it's an even year, so history suggests the Raiders will somehow make the finals. Only Ricky Stuart could screw up what has been such a realiable statistic over the past decade.
Conor Hickey
Roar Pro
A lot of the older suburbs don't but in the town centres and the newer suburbs they are everywhere. Actually not a bad idea, keeps the traffic flowing and even though there is a rise in the number of accidents, they are far less severe than ones at traffic lights. Also Chris, it is an annual event, goes for a little bit longer than two weeks if I recall correctly, half the year is spent tending to the flowers by the gardeners, the other half it is just a public place where anyone can go for a picnic. Consider yourself educated ;)
Dogs Of War
Roar Guru
HAHAHA, no give way to the right rule on roundabouts? Your having a lend.That is the concept that makes roundabouts work.
Chris Chard
Expert
Well the Titans just (stupidly) dropped Srama and he's off-contract this season...
Chop
Roar Guru
They have one for players....It's just everyone else swoops on them. As for coaches, well they obviously have relaxed that rule now....
Chop
Guest
I can't help but laugh. Being a Canberra-ish resident I was being paid out on by my Raiders supporting mates about how bad Parra were last year. Ricky comes to Canberra, same Raiders supporting mates tell me 'now Ricky will be able to show how good he is with a decent roster unlike your joke of a club'. Same mates are now saying 'Ricky can't coach for, why did we sack Furner?' I keep showing them my $50 on the Raiders getting the spoon I put on the day he signed with the Raiders and laugh....oh how I laugh....
scar
Guest
they need a dynamic hooker butriss needs to go. ricky is useless so he needs to be replaced and I would prefer laurie daley to be given a go. milford needs to go he wants to go anyway. campese to play out his career in mounties. brett white has passed his use by date. they need a clean out a lot more then only removing furner from last year the board needs a revamp. im a die hard raiders supporter and just had enough for the last couple of years.
Don
Roar Rookie
Fiver, look at their board. Apart from John McIntyre who is no great asset, the board is made up of ex Govt bureaucrats and bean counters with no senior footy club backgrounds. It is ridiculously stacked with ex Govt types. I am not an advocate for a bunch of ex footy types being on boards but there needs to be balance. Get a RL person on the board (who did not play with Stuart) plus a private enterprise business exec and you may get some nous in the place. The CEO should be sacked. He had a rails run as part of the Furner dynasty and was in a position of conflict with his brother as coach and not taking action on his failings.
Ronnie
Guest
I happen to think that he is rugby league's greatest thinker. He has come up with more excuses and thought up more spurious reasons to land himself another job than any other person in RL. Despite being League's worst coach how does he keep landing these jobs ? If he now needs a 5 point plan, it should be this 1. Be more hostile..... to those lazy players who keep letting me down and don't deliver we the wins I need. Shout a lot and pull changing room doors off if need be. 2. Blame the refs ...... I haven't done this for a while but it is high time they took some flack 3. Look to the past, point out all my achievements, err I mean the distant past where I won that premiership thanks to the previous incumbent coach. 4. Start looking for another club.... now what clubs haven't I stuffed up at yet .... hmmm 5. Put on a brave face in the boardroom, employ a spin doctor to give me some good tips on how to convince everyone that good times are just around the corner. Seriously though, surely no one still believes this guy is a good coach. Enough of us were predicting the Raiders for the spoon as soon as he was appointed. Surely no club will fall for the sticky con again.
sham
Guest
If you want roundabouts go to new Sydney areas like Glenmore Park. Most Caberra suburbs actually have no roundabouts - Glenmore Park seems to have one every 100 metres. Off topic but seriously I wish people actually understood how to drive on them. There is no 'give way to the right' rule on roundabouts
Chris Chard
Expert
Campese to fullback?
Don
Roar Rookie
Yep, but still not true. I can't cop Stuart and I'm not a Parra fan but Parra have looked dumb enough over the past years. They don't deserve to be made to look dumber by people thinking they are still paying Stuart.
Mark Young
Roar Guru
Surely the time for a One Marker Policy has arrived again.....
The King's brain in George Rose's body
Guest
Maybe it's time for Ricky to institute a 'no dickheads' policy at the Raiders. Then again, he'd have to sack himself.
Mango Jack
Guest
Someone in Canberra gets a kick out of it. Why else do they build one at the end of every driveway? :)