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The Socceroos: Big-time moral victors

26th June, 2014
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26th June, 2014
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You might have read some nonsense in the so-called media lately suggesting the Socceroos, who are one of the top five national men’s soccer teams in the country, had ‘lost’ a number of games, thereby being ‘eliminated’ from the World Cup and proving themselves to be not very ‘good’.

Myth-making is common in the sporting world – just ask any CEO who’s hired Ricky Stuart – but this is a little beyond the pale.

I am here to point out that our lads in Brazil have at no point lost anything. I can confidently say this because of two words: moral victory.

The moral victory has a long and proud history in Australian sport. Jeff Thomson and Allan Border achieved a memorable moral victory at the MCG in 1982-83. Lleyton Hewitt has achieved moral victories in every match he’s played in since 2003. Parramatta’s moral victory in the drawn grand final of 1977 is legendary.

And that’s before we get into the dozens of moral victories Australians achieve during every Olympics.

There may be nobody better at the moral victory than the Socceroos, who according to official statistics compiled by Craig Foster, are currently on a moral victory streak stretching back to the early ’60s. Admittedly, other official statistics compiled by Craig Foster also indicate that nobody in Australia plays rugby and the AFL is an urban myth, but still the evidence is compelling.

Fact is, a moral victory is the best victory of all. Think about it – what’s the opposite of moral? Immoral. If you want immoral victories, go follow Collingwood. Anyone of an upstanding character prizes moral victories above all else, and Australia has achieved three of the highest quality in this World Cup.

Let’s look at the first game, versus Chile. Now, there are those who will tell you that Chile ‘won’ this game 3-1. Pshaw I say!

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To begin with, the first two Chilean goals were scored inside the first 15 minutes, recognised worldwide as practice time. To score two goals before your opponents are ready is the work of a scoundrel. So clearly, in a moral sense, these two goals do not count.

After that, Tim Cahill, the springheeled, twinkle-toed, steel-ankled hero of every child who ever dreamed of beating up a corner post, scored a genuine goal, a goal borne of honest toil and conscientious study. Then Chile scored one in injury time, which: a) is concession to the weak-willed who cravenly request the stopping of a clock simply because someone’s fallen over; and b) was due to injuries which were all fake anyway.

So as you see, in Australia’s opening World Cup tie, the Socceroos won 1-0. Would’ve been 2-0 if it hadn’t been for the linesman applying the letter of the offside rule instead of the spirit of it, like some kind of Robocop shooting a jaywalker.

Then to the second game, where Australia was given no chance against the Netherlands. When you’re given no chance, of course, losing by less than four goals is a moral victory, and as they lost 3-2 – it’s clearly going to qualify. Also, Tim Cahill’s goal in this game was widely agreed by Craig Foster and some guys he knows to have been the best goal scored in the history of all ball sports, so they get a bonus point for that.

Estimates vary, but I’d put Australia’s moral victory in this game conservatively at around 4-1.

What of the last game, you ask? Spain won 3-0, even when experts thought they might be ripe for an upset: there is surely no room for moral victories here, right?

Wrong! A quick glance at Wikipedia reveals that in 1492,  Spain’s Jews were ordered to convert to Catholicism or face expulsion from Spanish territories. This is disgraceful behaviour, and frankly the Spanish have forfeited any right to the moral high ground here. Clearly the moral victory belongs to Australia. Probably about 2-0, possibly 5-2.

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And so the Socceroos verily enter the Australian Moral Victory Hall Of Fame, joining Hewitt, Thomson and Border, the ’77 Eels and other luminaries including Nick Riewoldt and Poh from Masterchef.

More importantly, they move on into the Moral Victory Round of 16, facing off against Bosnia-Herzegovina. Whether they can go all the way depends on various factors, including how brave they are, how much guts they have, their amount of courage, whether they ever say die, their gallantry levels, sustained pluckiness, the relationship of when they stop to the advent of the final whistle, and how terrible the ref’s decision that gifts their opponents a goal is.

They’ve got it in them, but to win the whole Moral Victory World Cup will be a tough challenge – Mark Webber is favourite with the bookies.

But win, not-really-lose or honourably-draw, I’ll be cheering the Socceroos on from right here on this extremely high horse.

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