It can’t be easy being a conspirator. I imagine the hours are long, the stakes are high and, given that one must work in secret and with the future of the world in one’s hands, the pressure must build frighteningly over time.
So I’m surprised to find that conspirators have found time to continue to destroy the finals hopes of the North Queensland Cowboys.
What with faking the moon landing, bringing down the Twin Towers, forging Barack Obama’s birth certificate and enslaving the populace by putting fluoride in the water, how would they have the time?
And that’s before we even get to vaccination and murdering or faking the deaths of JFK, Elvis, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Tupac and Biggie Smalls. On the other hand, even Steven Spielberg has passion projects and shoots a small film from time to time.
What really gets me about conspiracies though is not that they exist (we all know that), but how they actually work. What are the nuts and bolts, day-to-day machinations required to pull it all together? I want to know.
Over the past three years so many people have assured me that there is a conspiracy against the Cowboys. There must be some Roar readers who can answer my questions. Here’s just a few of them.
1. Who is in on it?
Is it just the referees, or is it the NRL too? Does the NRL issue conspiratorial directives to the referees or do the referees act alone (but, you know, collectively)?
2. If it’s the NRL, how high does it go?
It started in 2012. So when David Gallop left did he brief David Smith about the need to continue the conspiracy? Or maybe just give him a folder or a flash drive?
Maybe it doesn’t go that high, and there’s an independent sleeper cell operating at lower than executive level. If so, what’s their end game?
3. Why are the conspirators out to get the Cowboys?
Is it just because they are Queenslanders? If that’s the case, why did they let Brisbane win all those comps? Or, did the conspirators just start disliking Queenslanders after the Broncos won the comp in 2006?
If so, why? I think Queenslanders have been objectionable for decades, so why start now?
But maybe it’s not a Queensland thing. Maybe the conspirators just want Sydney teams to win. If so, why did the conspirators let Melbourne win the comp in 2012, the year the supposed conspiracy began?
Why would they like Melbourne? They’re not from Sydney, and they have Queenslanders. It’s so confusing.
4. Why do the conspirators always stop the Cowboys in week two of the finals?
Why don’t they stop them in week one? Why don’t they stop them making the eight at all? By conspiring against the Cowboys only in week two of the finals each year, the conspirators create a pattern and leave a trail.
They are drawing attention to their activities and risk being unmasked. Are the conspirators getting sloppy?
5. Why did the conspirators help Manly beat the Cowboys in 2012, but not help Manly beat the Roosters in 2013?
Did they go off Manly, or do they only work in week two? Why did the conspirators help Cronulla beat the Cowboys in 2013, but not let Cronulla go further? Why did the conspirators help the Roosters beat the Cowboys this weekend?
If the conspirators plan is to just let Sydney clubs win the comp, why don’t they give Cronulla a break and let them win a comp? And why have they not helped Souths for 43 years? Why are the conspirators so consistent in week two, and so unpredictable in every other week?
Actually, that’s not just a few questions is it? It’s a lot. That’s the thing about conspiracies – they always ask more questions than they answer.
But I hope you can answer some of these. If you can, please put an “x” in your window or post them to me, care of the World Bank.