Before he passed away in 1984, my grandfather wrote a letter to an unborn me, scrawled across a series of TAB tickets.
The letter warned of the perils of playing rugby league. This is what he wrote.
Dear future (BR2 no.12 Progeny),
I’ve seen a few things in my time on this mortal coil but of all the advice I can pass on to you, the most important is to warn you to steer clear of playing bloody rugby league. It’s a game that is rotten to the core, and the future of the sport is looking (MR3 no.6 Stuffed).
I’ve watched rugby league my entire life and, let me tell you, the sport will keep getting more violent. I remember seeing John Sattler play an entire game of footy with (MR4 no.7 Busted Jowls) and thought nothing of it ten years ago. It was a one off.
But these days it seems like the fibros and their ilk are more interested in having a boxing match than scoring a try. I can only imagine the sort of biff that will be happening 20 years from now. The 70s and 80s will seem like lawn bowls compared to what the game will look like in the future. For god’s sake boy, don’t risk your surely (PR1 no.1 Idyllic Features).
Besides league’s inevitable descent into violence, judging by the gene pool you’re likely to inherit, you’re going to stack on a few stone when you’ve experienced (PR6 no.6 Falling Plums) and there’s just no place for a big fella in the game anymore. It’s only the little runts who do well these days. You’d think the game would have moved on from Clive Churchill!
What I’m saying lad, is that you won’t make it as a big bugger playing league in the future; to succeed you have to be a (VG7 no.7 Trackwork Hoop). You’d be able to make more of a go of things in the VFL, just look at how well that fat bloke Lockett goes.
As for the management of the game, well you can bet that the (Exacta MR 6 no.1 Richard, no.4 Craniums) won’t bother keeping up with all the new technology floating around and will continue to rely on plonkers like Hollywood Hartley and co. to make all the right decisions themselves.
Humans are flawed mate, the game needs to start looking to the future. The other day I saw a bloke with a phone he could walk around with! And just look at the film that came out recently (MR8 no.4 Big Arnie), that’s what the technology of the future is going to look like and league will never get on board with that kind of stuff.
Lastly, if you’re anything like your dad you’ll be a shy kid and things like big crowds will frighten you something chronic (BR3 no.6 Damp Trousers). It’s probably best that you steer clear of league and play something that no one wants to watch like soccer or rugby union. Rugby league is a damn popular game with the punters these days and, trust me, all that pressure and atmosphere will get to your fragile little psyche, you’d be hard pressed avoiding (MR1 no.1 Russet Stains).
I can only imagine what it’s going to be like in ten or twenty years when fans are packing out grounds and stadiums, doing anything they can to catch a glimpse of their beloved teams in real life. People are getting fed up with the wireless and I’m sure the clubs will be rolling in (BR 1 no.1 Cashola) with all the takings from the gate on game day. You just won’t deal well with that kind of carnival atmosphere.
So stay away from rugby league young fella. If you’re going to play a sport make it (PR2 no.13 Mexican Ballet). The stories I’ve heard from my mates down in Hawthorn make me reckon it’d be a bloody wonderful thing being at one of those games. Apparently, the beers are cheap, the crowd is relaxed and jovial, and no one takes the game too seriously (MR5 no.4 Delusional).
Word is just last week there was a (BR6 no.3 Starkers Sheila) getting around in the stands! With a full set of teeth too, if you don’t mind. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a full set of chompers on the hill at a game of league.
So head south mate, I’m sure in time you’ll get used to Melbourne being such a (BR8 no.11 Cultural Wasteland).
Love, (MR9 no.1 Soothsayer)
To this day I’m thankful for the old bloke’s sage advice. Clearly, nothing has changed…
For more idiocy follow me on twitter: @brinpaulsen
Rodney McDonell
Guest
He was clearly wrong about Big men not being successful. Tell that too Smashing Sam and just about every islander playing the game. If being big wasn't an asset, Islanders wouldn't make up the percentages they do. And about the game getting more violent. I don't think it is. I think the players are getting bigger and faster so collisions are going to involve more impact. By and large particular tackles, most recently the shoulder charge have been taken out of the game - although I wish I hadn't. You might say that the players are just more focussed on bruising each other with their bodies to win games, rather than slick ball movement. In this years state of origin and the grand final, you might be right. But over the entire competition, I don't think it's different to previous years. Coaches like Bennet, Bellamy and McGuire are the new bread and analyse every component of each players game in order to identify inefficiencies and target them for improvement. If anything, the game is getting smarter. As players get bigger, there is further need for smaller players who can work they're way around the larger units, who are slower to react. So whilst some are getting bigger and faster, others are getting smaller, more agile and skilful. It's an evolving system like any environment and each player is like his own species, doing anything to survive.
Pot Stirrer
Guest
That is the dumbest thing ive wasted my time reading on the Roar. Give your self an uppercut.
TahDan
Roar Guru
Wow... you really didn't get this article at all did you mate? It's called irony and he's clearly saying the complete opposite of what you've just "read" into it.
Alvin Purple
Guest
Yet what the reason's for him to stay clear have been proven incorrect.
H.E. Pennypacker
Guest
90 percent of Australians took your granddad's advice and steered clear of RL.
Jack
Guest
Having never placed a bet in my life, I didn't get the insertion of all those little betting codes and what they stand for, but a fun read. I like that the old man hadn't failed to predict the depth of prejudice against coloured people that would emerge in the VFL/AFL ... jeez they hate a brown fella in that game if the GF is anything to go by.
Lroy
Guest
They had a stripper in the 1982 VFL grand final, not a bad sort either... back in those days they still used to film them ha ha ha
James Spiropoulos
Guest
Are those brackets and numbers signifying that your grand dad was swearing , and you've put them in to protect our sensitivities ? Judging by his far reaching fortune telling,he was a man of intelligence and caring. He probably did well n the punt as well.....
Ray
Guest
This is an article by a blinkered AFL person who thinks there is only one football code on earth. This is the game where they pick an Australian side get their photo taken but have no one to play. They say we are International as we go play Ireland where the game is played on a rectangle field and use union/league goal posts with a soccer net what a joke.30 years ago Kevin Sheedy went to South Africa and came back and said they would be a powerhouse then he went to China came back and said they would be a powerhouse but nothing has happened and it is such a shame as i was looking forward to seeing the fullback for China playing on Dunstall or Lockett or Hall...lmfao As for this article lmfao
mushi
Guest
Oh no a stereo type in response to a satirical article! We need a task force to address this
Monstrous
Guest
Nor Collingwood supporter - any more stereotypes out there?/
speedy2460
Guest
The starkers sheila was obviously not a Souths supporter as she had a full set of teeth.
Brin Paulsen
Roar Guru
PR3 no.4 Ihavenowords The guide says: Untested. Could be anything.
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Haha. Was Tom Waterhouse born? If not, what a glorious time
Alvin Purple
Guest
I thought the article was going to conclude that what an idiot my grandfather was given his predictions could not be further from the truth. From what I see technology is used more in RL than any other sport in Australia and in regards to violence the game has been cleaned up remarkable from the silvertail v fidro days. As one reader has already pointed out no exacta betting at the time which makes me conclude that this is a story that has at least been embellished to say the least. For you Brin - Race 8 No. 13 Richard Cranium - This article encaptures him greatly
Brin Paulsen
Roar Guru
MR 2 no.3 Oscar Worthy The guide says: World class trainer. Looks a clear winner.
Andy og
Guest
That's funny,very good.Not sure it's going to be very popular amongst the ecclesiastical apologists that abound on these pages
Brin Paulsen
Roar Guru
ZS10 no.9 Whingeing Jimmy The guide says: Natural backmarker. Unlikely to improve.
Brin Paulsen
Roar Guru
BR3 no.3 Insightful. The guide says: Sharp turn of foot. Will be there or there abouts.
Cowelly
Guest
*claps sarcastically*