Sick of the cricket clichés spouted by traditional commentary teams? Well, for some alternative definitions to see you through the remaining three Tests you can listen to alternative Ashes commentary White Line Wireless, where we’ll be inventing them left, right, but mainly in the centre…
Cricket Tragic – Self referential term used by the type of generic sports fan that watches the first session of an Ashes test, every 2 years or so.
Lythline – Invisible wire, tracing Adam Lyth’s pathway from the dressing room to the centre, then directly back to the dressing room.
Mitchelle – Five wickets taken by Mitches in an innings.
Broadwalk – Bouncy insolent fashion in which Stuart walks back to the top of his mark.
Captain Cook – The guy who discovered Australia, thereby proving to be worse for England cricket than Alastair.
The Imperial Marsh – Music that is played at the Australian pre-match squad announcement, whenever an injury forces Shaun or Mitchell into the team.
Pitch Miss – Occasional bad ball from Mitchell Johnson. Also, spoonerism to describe his replacement by a sub in the field.
Hazelnut – Delivery by Josh Hazlewood that removes middle and off.
Shane Watson – Notorious England superspy who played five Ashes series for Australia before selectors finally decoded his name as an anagram of “no want ashes”.
“Woodblock…woodchip…woodchop…woodcut…wooden leg…hazlenut!” – Typical over of Whiteline Wireless ball-by-ball commentary (Mark Wood facing Hazlewood).
The Haigh – Laryngeal palsy that ravages the press box who are only able to use hushed whispers when they are in the presence of Gideon.
Dog Runs – Scoring method that automatically multiplies Michael Clarke’s innings by a factor of 7 to give him a handy score. Also known as #PupMaths.
Cat Wickets – Scoring method that only counts every 9th dismissal as a real wicket. Useful for prolonging England’s batting, or alternatively to give Ian Bell a century if his last 9 innings are added together.
Follow Cat Jones on Twitter – @cricketbatcat. For alternative commentary of the Ashes, listen to White Line Wireless tonight, and the rest of the series, and follow them on Twitter.
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