My message to England's underwhelming forwards

So the day arrives with much pomp and circumstance, the IRB World Cup Final on the oldest stage in international rugby.

Twickenham is filled to the rafters, the rumbles of Swing Home reverberating within the brickwork. The mandatory quota of wax jackets in the stadium adding a stiff, brittle quality to the occasion. However, missing from this most English of scenes is the team who play in white, out they crashed three weeks ago.

They were crushed under the weight of expectation, bulldozed by the team in gold much to the joy of their island neighbours.

But this has not happened yet. October is still a seedling and a ‘sweet chariot’ lies smoking, ready to burst into flames at the merest touch form their antipodean cousins.

Chris Robshaw and co gird themselves for the mountainous challenge ahead while Stuart Lancaster guards his players from the baying, soul sucking mob that is the English media. Everyone knows what’s going to happen this weekend; England will want it, they will probably score some tries, kick their penalties and they will briefly appear as if they should win.

However appearances are notoriously deceptive as every cliché-spewing grade seven teacher will stress to their fickle students. What will remain is the reality that when this England side are weighed they will be found wanting and dismissed as a likeably humble but ultimately rubbish team.

I have enjoyed Lancaster’s attempts to rebrand England over the previous three years; out with the arrogant and in with the humble. I just thought when Lancaster suggested ‘humble’ he meant a ‘Martin Johnson’ kind of humble; you know, winning while being insufferably belligerent about it all. If it had been apparent that what Lancaster actually wanted was a legitimately ‘humble’ team then I would have been a little more worried.

This is because humility typically comes after losing and being really humble (like England appear now) means they lose a lot, often when they need to win the most.

The English pack is the most vivid realisation of this new humble era of English rugby. We’ll start with Dan Cole. He can be seen humbly castigating himself at the bottom of most rucks, usually directly over the ball carrier. Too humble to even attempt a Richie McCaw-like snatch for the ball.

For this he is justly punished by any referee, and he accepts his humbling humbly. Courtney Lawes, once a terrifying presence for any 10, a force willing to break his neck in the tackle as long as he broke yours too, now ambles around the field humbly pushing in mauls and humbly blocking off at the breakdown. And Robshaw the most pious and humble of humble forwards the humble world of rugby has ever been humbled to… Jesus, this team is just so damn humble it brings a tear to my eye.

However may I make a suggestion to this most humble of teams in the spirit of making a game of it on Saturday?

Maybe the English forwards, and this is only a suggestion, could possibly condescend to play some rugby, preferably union and not run around the field like a herd of gelded foal in the spring sun.

With this in mind I have some radical ideas that I hope the England forwards are not too proud to entertain.

Stop cheating at the bloody breakdown. It’s not clever and you lot are certainly not clever enough to pull it off.

Let me explain. David Pocock or Michael Hooper arrive as the second tackler. They make a show of releasing the man by waving their arms laterally.

They then get low and burrow for that ball while maintaining their weight through bent knees. They fight for possession lifting the resisting player off the floor if he fails to release.

They are not playing to the referee but playing for the ball and that is why they will beat you. Well that and the fact Bernard Foley will be kicking into treble figures with the amount of penalties you give away at the breakdown.

Hook the bloody ball. It’s not rocket science! Did you not think it strange that Fiji had remarkably quick possession from the scrum?

That’s because the bloke with the number 2 on his back used his feet to retrieve the ball from the scrum. It’s not like the world of rugby is tricking you, they named the position after the bloody action.

Do not think Romain Poite will award you this game based on an English scrum that dominates Australia. Cheika has changed things, as is Cheika’s wont. The Australian scrum is stronger than yours. Stephen Moore is better than Ben Youngs and people may have noticed Joe Marler’s boring-in tactic from the last time you met.

It is wishful thinking of the most painful variety to believe you might win by penalties through the breakdown of scrums.

There are a few more shorter points. You don’t have a 7, you have two 6s who aren’t very good. Try to cope as best you can.

You don’t have any weight in your subs to bring on for the last 20 minutes. Try to cope as best you can.

You only have one ball carrier in your entire 8 and he broke his leg six months ago and has only just come back. This will also be an issue so try to cope as best you can.

Equally, it’s clear you want a heavy ball carrier at 12 but do you realise the game of rugby is fluid and allows players to occupy different positions depending on the specific context of that moment? Maybe you could play another heavy ball carrier in the back row and then unleash him from the 12 position in phase play?

Ah that’s right, you don’t have any heavy ball carriers you can add to your pack. Apart from Burgess, who you play at centre. As hopefully you have noticed there is a flaw in having a forward play as a centre for the entire game but I’m hoping you guys can work that one out for yourselves.

If the referee tells you to stop doing something like sealing off at the ruck, running truck and trailer, being offside at the defensive line, not rolling away, he is not going to change his mind during the course of the game so you need to change your behaviour.

Think of it as him giving you a tip and it’s only polite to listen to a tip. I mean it’s not like you are just giving penalties away in one fashion, you’re getting penalised for anything and everything and this is not a conspiracy, you are totally in the wrong.

Now don’t forget to read all those inspirational quotes on Twickenham’s tunnel as you walk out, don’t forget to cry at the singing of the national anthem and after the game don’t forget to humbly sup champagne with Prince ‘Arry.

However, in and among all that could you try and remember how English forwards play this game called union?

Best regards,
Despondent Pom