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Exclusive: New Zealand undergo villainous overhaul to save series

11th November, 2015
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Trent Boult celebrates a wicket. (AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)
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11th November, 2015
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In a shonky Roar exclusive, we can reveal the Black Caps will desperately attempt to rescue their shot at trans-Tasman glory with a radical overhaul of their gentlemanly image after being whaled at the Gabba.

Following five days of hapless affability from the tourists in the summer’s opening Test, coaching staff have discovered that rather than cordially applauding the opposition’s achievements, fraternising with them socially, or abandoning matches at 1-800, the best way to drub the hosts is by mirroring them.

In light of this, coach Mike Hesson will search for “more aggression” by immediately implementing measures to replace New Zealand’s ‘Mr Nice Guy’ persona with a beefed-up, bad-ass image that will bring a welcome repugnance to their game.

This boorishness will be achieved by turbocharging his flagging side with enough hostility and protracted glaring to hopefully make up the 208-run deficit, or at the very least, force Peter Nevill to take his pads out of his bag.

Despite attempts to sneakily bridge the villain shortfall prior to the summer by selecting two former South Africans and an Australian in the touring squad, the team fell well short of emulating Stuart Broad in the series opener.

Even with cute attempts to spark an inferno in the lead-up with some gentle counsel on manners and other transgressions in the match, such as Mark Craig’s figures, New Zealand proved to be well off the pace, with the gap in grumpiness made most apparent by their sundries column badly lacking in tantrum overthrows.

After a midnight crisis meeting in the hours following Brisbane, Hesson and his staff promptly signed off on the proposed overhaul to team strategy before instructing the squad to get in the nets to immediately begin work on being bigger arseholes.

This controversial move will see the axe fall on the side’s famous tactics of being too nice, annoyingly humble and simply incapable of rousing an acceptable level of hatred among Australians, an approach to the game that saw them regularly failing in their civic duty to always soil trans-Tasman relations no matter what.

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However, team hierarchy are hopeful that instructing their XI to switch focus to playing the man and not the ball will address their concerning inability to break ICC conduct laws, or even general laws for that matter.

“Playing in Australia requires a special brand of cricket, and we reckon we’ve discovered the secret in Brisbane,” an unnamed member of the Black Caps support staff said.

“Besides scoring runs and taking wickets, elite performance is directly proportional to how much of a gum-chewing oaf you can be.

“We want to arouse emotion inside Australia and their fans, preferably the same emotions they feel when they think of Russell Crowe, or when someone driving ahead of them turns without indicating.

“To achieve this, I’ve instructed the playing group to channel Sir Richard Hadlee, or even in cases of extreme congeniality, Chris Cairns.”

New Zealand hope the new guidelines will create an immediate impact on this series, or at the very least, a strain on international relations.

Fielding practice has already seen an upturn in the number of dubious catches being claimed, while in net practice batsmen have been routinely pulling back halfway through bowlers’ run-ups, which in turn has seen a positive increase in threats of “broken f*cken arms”.

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In terms of tweaked team protocol, replacing the sledging ban is a sledging bonanza, and ‘hitting good areas’ will now refer to the midriff and lineage.

In addition, team administration has ordered an updated version of the team’s media guide to reflect the players’ ungentlemanly transformation, with exclusive excerpts gained by The Roar:

Brendon McCullum
Dynamic batsman best known for recently provoking local church mouse David Warner in to acerbic public statements. A man of carefree adventure who loves to roll the dice in all aspects of the game, a behavioural trait also heavily present in those who leave pet dogs in the car while they play the pokies.

Kane Williamson
A world-class batsman with an unflappable temperament who is also haunted by a chequered bowling past beset with questions over his action. Sure, he was “cleared of all charges”, but so was OJ Simpson.

Mark Craig
Bats left, bowls right and has two first names. This man simply cannot be trusted. Craig – if that is his real name – claimed to be a bunny in his debut match before slapping his first ball for six. Based on this, he may have been responsible for the poor state of the Gabba crowd. And climate change.

Martin Guptill
Dazzling batsman whose debilitating addiction to win at all costs resulted in the loss of three toes after trying to claim a bump-ball catch in Kim Jong-un’s majestic innings of 807.

Doug Bracewell
Banished to Australia as a security measure while the Royal family toured New Zealand. Now they’ve arrived here safely at precisely the same moment he’s bowling pies, he can go back.

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Trent Boult
Don’t be fooled by the boyish looks and 13-kilogram frame. Inside beats the heart of a champion cricketer who is known for his wicked outswinger and a predilection for running pyramid schemes.

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