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The Human Centipede is a 2009 horror film that tells the story of a mad German scientist who joins three strangers together surgically, mouth to anus, to form a single, nightmarish beast.
Remarkably, this premise – being bound hopelessly to a failing organism and forced to consume excrement on a daily basis – perfectly mirrors the experience of being a Wests Tigers fan.
Even for Tigers fans, a hardy group who are sadly familiar with the crushing, monotonous disappointment of unremitting failure, the 2015-16 NRL off-season has been a nightmare. An enduring, slow-motion car crash of epic proportions, where each day brings not so much a fresh new wound, as a cruel reopening of existing wounds with a salt-encrusted stick of jagged glass.
It’s been an experience not unlike being forced to make small talk with a drunken simpleton – a simpering fool who continually repeats a tedious story about their wretched and eminently avoidable breakup with a particularly nasty, unattractive and flatulent partner.
It’s been like being stuck on a long-haul bus trip, on a poorly ventilated, overcrowded bus with a malfunctioning toilet, while sitting next to a crazy-eyed conspiracy theorist who insists on outlining every irrational theory they’ve ever heard, without offering anything even approaching evidence, and instead simply quoting their equally stupid and easily convinced friends.
It’s been like being forced to watch endless repeats of a poorly scripted and poorly acted reality television show, hosted by a panel of sneering idiots repeating the same mindless garbage over and over and over again as though it is certifiable fact.
And not just a rehashing of rumours they’ve heard second or third hand, or read about on the internet, or seen on Twitter or – let’s not stuff around here – simply pulled out of thin air.
It’s like a primary school teacher inventing an unlikely fairytale on a grim Friday at the end of a trying week at the end of a hugely unsuccessful semester.
So, it’s not been a happy time.
Where do we start? Oh, yes. Robbie Farah.
Here is a brief summary of the Robbie Farah situation:
The Wests Tigers have given Farah permission to negotiate with other clubs, as Farah and coach Jason Taylor can’t work together. If he doesn’t leave, the Tigers will force Farah to play in reserve grade.
Farah has requested a release, but the Tigers have denied the request. Farah has been offered a life-time deal by the Tigers. Farah has not been offered a life-time deal with the Tigers. The Dragons are going to sign Farah. The Roosters are going to sign Farah. The Dragons are not going to sign Farah. The Roosters are not going to sign Farah.
The NRL is going to block any deal for Farah. Laurie Daley would happily select Farah for NSW out of reserve grade. The Tigers have signed another representative hooker to play first grade.
The Tigers will select Farah at hooker in first grade. Farah and coach Jason Taylor are working together, and Farah seems likely to stay at the Tigers. Farah is staying at the Tigers. Farah is a Tiger for life.
Okay, I think that covers it.
It is difficult to overstate the extraordinary ineptitude we have all been exposed to in recent months and is it certainly tempting to blame the Tigers coach, or the club’s senior management, or Farah and his representatives for this enduring farce.
So that’s what we are going to do.
Not a single person involved with this process emerges with their reputation enhanced, and the Wests Tigers’ brand – a fragile shell at the best of times – has been dragged through the mud to the extent that it’s difficult to imagine any player wanting to join the club, or any kid wanting to support it.
Everyone involved in this fiasco should be thoroughly ashamed.
And what of the fans? We will endure, as we have for so long, despite being force-fed the most unimaginable filth day after day, year after year.
But please, bring on 2016, and Round 1. At least then the beatings will only last 80 minutes.
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