Finally, rugby league is getting its house in order. Now that Mitchell Pearce has been handed the code’s biggest-ever fine, as recognition that he committed the worst deed any league player has ever committed, hopefully we can move forward with the new considered, methodical approach to off-field discipline.
All that really remains is to educate the public and the playing population itself on exactly what they can expect if they cross those lines.
And in aid of that goal, The Roar is proud to present the New NRL Rate Card For Players’ Misdemeanours. This rate card can be referred to by any player seeking to know exactly what his youthful hijinks will cost him.
More Mitchell Pearce
» Mitchell Pearce has had his last alcoholic drink
» Pearce cops eight weeks and $125K fine
» The fine is huge, but Pearce is just lucky to be playing footy
» Mitch Pearce’s welfare the priority: RLPA
» WATCH: The original footage; does the punishment fit the crime?
First, as we’ve already discovered, it’s $125,000 for any player found guilty of being filmed wetting his pants, bouncing a dog on his lap, ineptly trying to score with a woman, and making a series of baffling racial remarks. But further to that, here is the penalty scale.
$10,000 – a player may either urinate on a public monument of his choice at night, or punch an admittedly obnoxious government employee during the daytime.
$20,000 – having sex in a public toilet.
$30,000 – having sex with a public toilet.
$35,000 – being caught taking drugs, but only those drugs that, you know, pretty much everyone does all the time but we pretend to disapprove when a famous person does them.
$40,000 – drinking until you’re absolutely sure that a complete stranger wants to have sex with you and just needs a bit of persuasion to loosen up.
$50,000 – tweeting a racial slur, homophobic profanity, misogynist hate-speech or suggestion that the NRL Judiciary is full of shit.
$50,000 – doing the above, but as a public Facebook status.
$50,000 – doing the above, but as an update on LinkedIn.
$50,000 – doing anything on LinkedIn.
$55,000 – becoming a contestant on Dancing With The Stars (25% discount if you can prove you’re doing it ironically).
$60,000 – murder, but for a pretty good reason.
$62,500 – murder for no particularly good reason.
$65,000 – beating up a woman.
$67,500 – rooting your mate’s missus.
$70,000 – having a regular segment on The Footy Show involving cross-dressing, practical jokes, interviewing mentally disturbed passersby on the street, or repeating a baffling catchphrase that everyone in the audience seems to find hilarious for no reason that anyone can figure out.
$75,000 – being Paul Gallen.
$80,000 – being Ray Hadley.
$90,000 – being whoever is responsible for getting Phil Gould to do those horrible speeches on the field before State of Origin games, I mean for god’s sake isn’t there any security at the ground, who even let him out there? Is anyone getting any insight from these talks? And does anyone actually think Gould looks more impressive or statesmanlike because he’s standing on grass? In fact, let’s just give this fine to whoever hired Phil Gould in the first place.
$95,000 – saying that a referee made a mistake.
$100,000 – saying that a referee made a mistake and being right.
$105,000 – failing to conscientiously promote the gambling industry whenever the opportunity presents itself.
$110,000 – being involved in a fight outside a pub where it is generally agreed that you didn’t actually start it or act aggressively in any way and were just attacked by some psychotic alco, but everyone says that you shouldn’t have been out that late anyway so it’s best that we punish you as if the conclusions we all jumped to before knowing the pertinent facts were actually true.
$111,000 – getting fat.
$112,000 – turning up to training drunk.
$113,000 – turning up to training stoned.
$114,000 – turning up to training covered in tramp blood.
$115,000 – committing extreme acts of criminal sexual violence as part of an unending pattern of sociopathic behaviour.
$120,000 – peeing in your own mouth.
So, leaguies, go out there and live your life! Just remember that it could cost you – and from now on, that price is going to be more logical than ever.