The shambles of the Australian election campaign now see candidates in a similar position to a cricketer at the start of summer.
Prospective candidates have done all they can to push for selection and their fate is now in the hands of the selectors.
Here is what a combined Australian parliament XI might look like.
1: Barnaby ‘Tubby’ Joyce (C)
A rigid conservative, the Deputy Prime Minister is the type of opener who would take 50 balls to get off the mark to ensure he successfully negotiated the new ball. Earns the captain spot after strong recent performances against international superstars.
2: Chris ‘David Warner’ Bowen
A left-right opening combination is always a problem for opposition bowlers and the Shadow Treasurer counters his partner’s lack of aggression.
If his batting mirrors his economic plan don’t be surprised if he erratically dashes at a wide one outside off, leaving his country struggling early on.
3: Cathy ‘Punter’ McGowan
With the likelihood of a hung parliament, McGowan will have the freedom to hook and pull the two major parties all over the pitch as they attempt to gain her support. Set to be part of a group of independents that will form the engine room of the next parliament.
4: Linda ‘Mrs Cricket’ Burney
The long-time performer at state level has finally been given her chance on the national stage. The first Aboriginal woman in parliament has shown the toughness needed to be the backbone of the middle order.
5: Malcom ‘Marcus North’ Turnbull
The current Prime Minister is enduring a poor run of form and needs a big score next game. Some commentators are saying that he should be dropped in favour of Northern Suburbs captain Tony Abbott.
6: Anthony ‘Watto’ Albanese (VC, Batting all rounder)
Any politician who can DJ deserves a chance at the all-rounder spot. Many see him as a future captain and strong performances in his next few outings will only increase speculation.
7: Scott ‘Neville’ Morrison
Earns the keeper spot through his insistence that as treasurer he will provide a safe pair of hands for the Australian economy. Uncertain economic times mean he can’t drop any chances that fall his way.
8: Jacqui ‘Bull’ Lambie
An aggressive fast bowler, the Tasmanian will seek to intimidate her colleagues in the senate with a fair share of bouncers. Expect her to head the Australian sledging unit.
9: Pauline ‘Thommo’ Hanson
Watch out for the One Nation senator screaming in from the Vulture Street end at the Gabba with her express pace. Her bowling will however lack variation and she won’t enjoy playing in the Sub Continent.
10: Nick ‘Gazza’ Xenophon
His ability to turn Australian politics on its head would make him lethal on the fifth Day at the Adelaide Oval. He has become the second South Australian to rise from Adelaide nobody to national celebrity after reducing the stranglehold of the two major parties over Australian politics.
11: Mathias ‘Pigeon’ Cormann
The Liberal campaign spokesperson delivered consistent line and length as he pitched the coalition’s jobs and growth slogan. The ability of his rhetoric to repeatedly hit the right areas kept his party in the game throughout the election.
12th Man: Wyatt ‘Pup’ Roy
Bursting onto the scene as Australian youngest ever politician in the 2010 election, the Queenslander now finds himself carrying the drinks for the Liberal party after losing his seat.
Coach/selector: Bill ‘Boof’ Shorten
The Labor leader has shown an ability to unite a divided team in crisis. His past history ensures that he won’t be afraid to axe underperforming key players if they are preventing the success of the team.
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