So, y’all might be thinking that the greatest TV show ever is Weekly Dose of Boobs and Beheadings (Game of Thrones). Well, take a seat, because I’ve got news for you.
The Olympic Games are by far superior. “But, they’re a sporting event, not a show…” I hear you say.
Psh. You don’t get a bigger show than the Olympics.
The pure genius of Rio ’16 is that it allows me – your run-of-the-mill sports nerd – access to an untold bounty of sports that I will instantly become an expert on.
Over the next two weeks I will watch a lot of Olympics. Coz, Straya, c-bombs. And holy euphemism will I become an instant expert on Canoe Slalom, Fencing, Judo, Handball, Rowing, Water Polo, Shooting, Trampoline, Wrestling, and a host of other sports I will not watch again until Tokyo 2020.
Last night, I was lying on the couch. I had three sports to choose from. As a hard’n’fast, down-the-line decision maker I did the obvious thing. I watched all three.
As a beer pong aficionado, I began with Table Tennis. Love the game, mediocre at it, yet still a master tactician. Is there a greater joy than watching a skilled exponent of the game make an error and softly tsk to oneself “Risky return there, should’ve gone cross-court”. I think not.
‘Straya’s player lost though, so as a patriotic observer, I was honour bound to banish the sport to the unwatched depths.
Chanced upon Beach Volleyball. Germany vs. Austria. Never played the sport. Mainly because I’m not 6’8, nor do I have the quads of a gazelle required to have a decent vertical leap. Did that stop me from telling the players on TV that they needed to position themselves better to combat the Germans superior serving game? Nah uh.
Alas, it was Men’s Beach Volleyball, so there were no most-definitely-still-sexist itty-bitty bikinis to catch my attention.
Finally we came to the pièce de résistance. Women’s 10 Metre Air Rifles.
It was late, and I was sleepy, so I couldn’t quite tell if they were laser guided, or if they shoot actual bullets. I myself have never shot anything more dangerous than a laser-tag rifle. Did that stop me from critiquing the stance of the Chinese silver-medalist Du Li? Have a guess.
I’m already an expert on cycling (thank-you Tour de France), so I was thoroughly vindicated when I wrote off Chris Froome’s chances. After all, with no Team Sky to rescue him on an absurdly difficult Olympic course he had no hope.
Before dozing off I threw in a few minutes of field hockey to keep me occupied. Did you know that you can’t play that game left-handed? In a world attempting to free itself from discrimination – and with me being a southpaw – I felt slightly conflicted watching.
‘Straya lost. Bloody Imperialist Great Britain side decided it’d exert it’s ‘founding fathers’ stance on us. Just as well it wasn’t a Gold Medal match.
Ah Olympics. Who doesn’t love them?
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