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Most fear and laughter-inducing team names ever

Bonza new author
Roar Rookie
10th September, 2016
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The Roosters take on the Titans in the final round of the NRL. (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Bonza new author
Roar Rookie
10th September, 2016
34
1518 Reads

Let’s take a little break from bunker misery, shoulders and if this grub is grubbier than that grub.

Watching the Titans this year was a pleasant surprise and had me thinking about how many team names Gold Coast-South Qld have had.

It then got me thinking as to have there actually been any decent ones?

Decent meaning any fearsome animal or entity that hasn’t been ripped off from the NFL or any name with specific reference to the area. Milwaukee Brewers are a fine example of this.

Chargers – ripped off, Seagulls – scavenger pain in the arse, Titans – ripped off.

An area-specific name might be the go but Gold Coast Schoolies? Slightly scary but stupid imagery. Probably not.

I then sat at my desk for most of the working day thinking of the top five team names and the bottom five duds. Time well spent.

Basic criteria to crack the top five was to have an original name, preferably an animal that can kill, maim, poison or injure humans. Maybe even make them slightly nervous. Also acceptable would be previously mentioned names with specific links to the area or city.

Dud names are pretty simple. Anything pathetic that instil no fear whatsoever into anybody, most nouns and adjectives and the simply stupid or unfortunate. Nashville Predators sounded intimidating until the name was sullied by offenders put on registers.

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Here they are, feel free to vent rage or offer additions.

Top five (in no particular order)
1: North Sydney Bears – original (founded before Chicago) plus a bear would be an obvious addition to any forward pack. Kill? Check. Maim? Check.

2: Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs – original, aggressive, ugly, loyal. Highly suited to the team they have represented.

3: Western Suburbs Magpies – massively original. Fail the maim/kill humans test but I was more scared of a maggie in September than I was of snakes or spiders. Still am.

Also matched team colours and the Victa teams of late 70s/early 80s heightened the aggressive image.

4: Newcastle Knights – original name with a pretty tough image. Knights killed other Knights or innocent peasants with swords. That’s aggressive behaviour. Also the alliteration in a team name is always a bonus.

5: Drum roll…Adelaide Rams! There, I’ve said it. Original? Shit yes. Aggressive? Sure, when it suits them. Intelligent? Never mind, it’s overrated in some positions.

Honorable mentions
Parramatta Eels (electric, scary), Panthers/Sharks, Rabbitohs (at least they could kill rabbits) and Sea Eagles (predators and local to the area). Okay and the Dragons although they’re not real which is cheating a bit.

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Now for the absolute duds. On the whole names ripped off from the NFL won’t feature because there are simply too many. Again, in no particular order.

Duds
1: Perth/Western Reds – What? Sunsets? Shiraz? Blood? I don’t get it. Try harder.

2: Sydney/Easts Roosters – sorry Roosters fans but as cool as the uniform is, as a kid I always chuckled at the image of a Rooster actually scaring people. Vocal and vain, sure, which does suit their demographic I suppose.

Also, too easy for “feathers plucked” headlines after losses.

3: Hunter Mariners – neither original, logical or in any way intimidating. My image is of an ageing sailor boring everyone shitless about compasses and nautical jargon.

4: Tweed Heads Seagulls – seriously ridiculous! Only harm they can do to humans is raise blood pressure when trying to eat hot chips near the beach. Noisy, annoying and spectacularly brainless.

5: Northern Eagles – so becoming a joint venture means they no longer live near the sea? Yet can’t be bothered thinking of a new name. Even combining Bears with Sea Eagles would’ve been better, let’s see…the Beagles. Well maybe not.

Now back to the finals….

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