The 2016 Melbourne Cup has arrived, and sure there’s some sort of race on or something, but as time goes on that’s really just become a sideshow to the fashion that gets shown off at Flemington.
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Yes, after my highly successful fashion critique of the Brownlow Medal I’m back in the saddle – get it? – to do a terrible job of rating all the frocks and fascinators at the Melbourne Cup.
Have you ever wished that, rather than having an expert panel of people who are up to date with the latest trends, fashion was critiqued by a man who has never spent more than $20 on any one item of clothing (except this one kick-ass pair of hiking boots)?
If so, you’re in the right place. And if not, well, there’ll still be lots of photos, and you can just skip right over my comments if you want!
I’ll give every outfit a rating out of ten, but really ladies (and lads), don’t worry, I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about and you’re all beautiful.
I’ve really got no idea what any of the things on the dress are meant to be, but I’m sure they all makes sense to someone out there. 5/10.
Solid motto, nice and simple. You look ready to be a Bond villain. 7/10.
A photo posted by ❤️ANNA HEINRICH❤️ (@annaheinrich1) on
Not sure it’d be super comfortable, but nice enough. The crown has a nice ‘Roman emperor’ look, though hopefully we won’t see any lions released onto Flemington today. 7/10.
On one hand those heels look incredibly uncomfortable. On the other hand, I’m sure you could kill a man with them in seconds. 6/10.
Not sure I get the dress, but this might be the first hat in the history of the Cup to actually offer some protection from the sun. 5/10.
Is there just a bit of Western-Bulldogs-clash-jumper-from-a-few-years-ago inspiration in this one? I’m sure that’s what the design was based on. 5/10.
Ah, the classic ‘I tried to wrap this Christmas present so it’d look nice but it kind of got away from me a bit’ look. Timeless. 4/10.
A photo posted by D O N N Y G A L E L L A (@donnygalella) on
Roman emperor crowns are in this year it seems. This is nice enough but the whole long sleeves-short dress thing really confuses me. Aren’t your legs going to feel weirdly cool compared to your arms? 5/10.
Is this a deliberate attempt to look like a Final Fantasy character or accidental? Either way I’m on board. 8/10.
For all those times you’ve asked yourself: “Sure, but what if I wanted to look like a fishtank?” 5/10.
I feel like veil the thing would get really annoying to wear in the space of about 30 seconds. Especially if there’s burgers and or cake available. Otherwise fine. 6/10.
Pink enough for ya? Looks nice but one long sleeve, one arm bare? What’s going on there? 5/10.
This is why all clothing should have pockets. You’re just going to have to hold that purse all. Day. Long. 6/10.
Now this is my kind of fashion. Does it get any better than this? That wasn’t a rhetorical question, the answer is no. 10/10.
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