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Lonely SBS fan devastated late-night porn programming shelved for Wallabies coverage

16th November, 2016
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16th November, 2016
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Thousands of rugby supporters revelled in the news that the Wallabies’ Spring Tour would be broadcast on SBS, but not all Australians welcomed the news.

51-year-old bachelor, Garth Stephens, was crushed that he wasn’t able to view SBS’ usual titillating catalogue of continental European erotica, expressing both his anger and dismay at the decision to The Roar.

“This is, and I don’t think I’m overstating things here, the greatest injustice since The Dismissal.

“As an Australian taxpayer, I’m legally entitled to two-to-three hours a week of morally questionable, soft-core porn after Anton Enus’ done telling me about the political crisis in Mozambique.

“Have a look, it’s in the bloody charter!*”

Stephens, who still uses a Nokia 3315 and lacks the technological know-how to access internet pornography, routinely indulges in scandalous programs like Erotic Ghost Story, Killer Condom and Frisky Felicity.

“Replacing exotic foreign films with the national rugby team? That’s about as unAustralian as it gets!”

He went on to show us with great pride how he painstakingly compiled an exhaustive list with the exact time-stamps of “nip-slips” and “butt-shots” in his favourite Hollywood movies.

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“My all time favourite’s Naomi Watts. Mulholland Drive. 53 minutes, 20 seconds,” he informs us, completely unprompted.

*The Roar has since read the SBS Charter in its entirety, and is yet to find any clause mandating a quota of sexual content following SBS World News.

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