- Video
-
Club Roar
Captured a great grassroots sporting moment? We want to see it!Content Collections
The Roar Community
- Join
- Login
Lolly selection is becoming an increasingly crucial factor in winning cricket matches, and we as a nation cannot afford be left behind.
The Australians were 5-150 in their second dig, on the verge of levelling the series, when the South African captain, an unrepentant cheat and kitten-puncher (I presume), turned the tables with a fiendish plan:
A mint lolly.
The Australians, in no part due to their lack of skill or mental preparedness, were consequently subjected to one of the great injustices the game has seen – tragically collapsing to an innings and 80-run defeat.
So as they say, ‘if you can’t be ’em, join ’em’, and we sure as hell can’t beat ’em – so we need to figure out which discrete confectionary can carry our team to glory.
Look, no-one’s saying that the tried-and-true gag of pretending that you’re smoking a cigarette in front of your parents isn’t always funny.
It is. It literally always is.
But the size and shape, plus the infuriating paper wrapping put these Aussie classics firmly at the bottom of the list.
While racistly named, the colour of Red Skins does provide them with a distinct advantage – allowing the residue to seamlessly blend in with either a red or pink ball.
The inevitable stickiness on the user’s hands may also offer a solution to Australia’s catching woes.
On the downside however, it has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to chew a Red Skin without unhinging your jaw, which will be an instant red flag for the prying eyes of the ICC match official.
Musk sticks are bullshit.
If you try to give me a musk stick, I will straight up punch you in the throat.
It’s hard to say whether or not Fantales can have a material influence of the ball’s movement through the air – but either way, you’ll have a confounding piece of Hollywood trivia to bamboozle the opposition batsmen with.
Try focussing on a Mitch Starc yorker while racking your brain to think of the name of that hot, basically-always-naked blonde chick in Splash – it’s impossible.
High risk, high reward. I imagine infusing a Kookaburra with Wizz-Fizz sets off a chemical reaction similar to that of flubber in the movie…Flubber
It could take out the batsman’s middle stump or end up in the stand’s but at least it will never be as bad as this:
If used correctly, you can dissolve the chocolate part of Freckle in mere seconds, while preserving the hundreds-and-thousands to use as an abrasive substance on the ball.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly certain that for thousands of years Indigenous Australians used Johnson’s Eucalyptus Drops to get boomerangs hooping around in the air and reverse swinging to knock-off unsuspecting kangaroos in the distance.
In the 2005 Ashes series, England’s official ball-shiner (an unenviably-named position), Marcus Trescothick, famously admitted to using Murray Mints to keep the ball shiny for longer.
That series, England had a team that included Ashley Giles, Chris Tremlett and Geraint Jones – the cricketing equivalent of footnotes, to knock off a side with Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Ricky Ponting.
These mints can perform miracles Jesus could only dream of.
Build your own fantasy cricket team and put it to the test with Draftstars daily fantasy competitions. Pick your match, pick your team and watch the points roll in to take out cash prizes on each match. What are you really gambling with? Set a deposit limit.