The perennial problem with sportspeople is that they’re always at risk of saying the wrong thing to the media.
Following the fine given to Glenn Maxwell for outrageously suggesting that he should bat higher than Matthew Wade for Victoria and ahead of a big summer of cricket, which features all of the Big Bash League, tests against Pakistan, international Twenty20s, One Day Internationals and the Sheffield Shield – if it can be fit in – it’s probably time to remind players what can and can’t be said to the media.
1. “It’s possible I need to play less in my natural way and in more of a balanced way.”
Offence: You must always play your natural game. Back yourself. Contemplation is weakness. Weakness leads to fear. Fear leads to suffering.
Fine: Three OLED TVs.
2. “Yes, I am thirsty and would like to quench my thirst with a beer.”
Offence: If asked whether you are thirsty, you must simply laugh the question off. Our main ODI sponsor is a major brewer, and any modern alcoholic beverage company thinks it highly inappropriate that anyone, particularly a sportsman, should enjoy a beer. Also, admitting to being dehydrated is a weakness, which leads to fear, and so on.
Fine: One light beer.
3. “At the beginning of the day…”
Offence: Never begin a sentence with this phrase. You must always use the phrase ‘at the end of the day’. It is always reflection, not anticipation. Anticipation is for the weak.
Fine: Elocution classes from Pauline Hanson.
4. “None of us have been able to bat in here Asia, whereas past Australians have. You’d almost think the development system is failing.”
Offence: This is a tricky area given that it does involve reflection and also admits failure. Worse still, it admits to failure of the administrative body, which has never picked or dropped a player incorrectly, or screwed up the Shield.
Fine: Ask Dean Jones.
5. “I’m taking it several games at a time, not one, to collate the data to find trends and ongoing issues that need identification and correction. One game at a time is far too reactive.”
Offence: You never take it several games at a time. You must always take it one game at a time, and you must always give credit to the boys. Also, using words like ‘data’ and ‘correlation’ are right out – we have an image as wannabe-Channel Nine commentators to uphold.
Fine: Inspired by Brewster’s Millions, you have to spend a day talking about electoral data with Antony Green.
What other sporting phrases should be added to the banned list? Leave a comment below.
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