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The Liebke Ratings: Australia v Pakistan first Test

19th December, 2016
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Steve Smith is leading a team of bullies. (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
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19th December, 2016
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Finally, Australia made their way this summer to the Gabba, or ‘Gabbatoir’ as it’s jocularly known.

Interestingly, it’s called the ‘Gabbatoir’ because the crowd on Days 1 to 3 is slaughtered and made into burgers to feed the folk on Days 4 and 5. Or, at least, they would be, if anybody showed up on those later days.

Here are the ratings for the First Test between Australia and Pakistan.

Pakistan
Grade: B+

It’s always good to see Pakistan back in Australia. They’re arguably the most exciting team in world cricket, and one of forty-three nations to hold the Number One Test Ranking at some point in 2016.

It’s particularly exciting to see Mohammad Amir in Australia, having served his sentence for spot-fixing. This is mostly, of course, because he’s a brilliantly talented young fast bowler.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s also partially because I like to imagine Amir palindromically introducing himself to leg-spinner Yasir Shah with ‘Yasir, I’m Amir, I say.’

Pakistan's Mohammad Amir

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Steve Smith’s past
Grade: C-

Amir’s presence couldn’t stop Australia’s batting from dominating the first two days of the Test, despite Dave Warner again falling cheaply.

Warner’s declining form in the five day game must surely open up the prospect of Glenn Maxwell taking his place. Not because I think Maxwell would necessarily be a better option. I just like the thought of Maxwell and Matt Renshaw batting together. In fact, let’s have them open in all forms of the game, for the sheer cognitive dissonance of it.

Usman Khawaja also fell cheaply in the first innings, perhaps thrown off by Gabba ground staff questioning why one of the Pakistan fielders was coming out to bat.

But that just opened the door for Steve Smith to make yet another century, this time 130, as Australia made their way to 429 all out near the end of Day Two.

It’s got to the point where we shouldn’t ask how Smith bats so well now but rather ask what the hell he was doing when he started his career. I mean, really. How do you improve that much as a batsman? Was he just bluffing early on? Isn’t it utterly baffling in retrospect?

And, yes, you can argue that in this innings he was assisted by unseen edges, non-appeals and dropped catches. But a Test batting average of 60-ish over that many games doesn’t lie.

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Well, maybe if it’s Adam Voges’.

Nic Maddinson
Grade: D

The main disappointment in Australia’s innings was newcomer Nic Maddinson. Yes, he made a run, but this was surely just a clear sign that the Pakistan attack was falling to pieces by that stage.

And, yes, an anagram of his name is ‘odd, manic inns’, so we should know what to expect. But of the newbies brought in after the Hobart debacle, Maddinson has been by far the most disappointing.

Still, what if Pete Handscomb (105) and Renshaw (71) can only bat well by feeding on the energy of Maddinson’s failures? Isn’t it worth persevering to find out? I say yes.

And so, presumably, will the selectors. Shaun Marsh won’t recover in time for the Boxing Day Test and I’m reliably informed they’re the only two batsmen available for selection.

Usman Khawaja’s slips catching
Grade: B-

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Pakistan’s first innings was truly dreadful, as they collapsed to 8/97 by the end of Day Two, before recovering slightly on Day Three to reach 142 all out.

Perhaps the most exciting development in a bowling effort shared evenly between the three pacemen was seeing Khawaja take three catches at slip. If only because Khawaja fielding in the slips means he’s not fielding at a position not in the slips.

Fairytale finishes

Grade: C

Steve Smith refused to enforce the follow-on, instead having Australia bat again to make a rapid 5/202 (Maddinson: 4), setting Pakistan 490 to win.

An impossible task, surely. But Pakistan eat impossible tasks for breakfast (the most impossible meal of the day) and slowly inched their way to the target, powered by superb tail-order batting and anchored by Asad Shafiq’s glorious 137.

Naturally, the Nine commentators had never heard of Shafiq, and on the morning of the final day seemed inexplicably proud of not even doing the bare minimum of research you’d expect for their job.

“This 51 Test veteran is somebody we didn’t know much about, right Slatso?” beamed Ian Healy.

“We sure didn’t, Healso!” came the reply.

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Despite Slatso and Healso’s obliviousness, Shafiq guided Pakistan to within forty runs of an epic victory. His partner on the final morning was Yasir, and the two of them messed with the Australians’ heads, refusing to take singles at random.

The umpires soon joined in with the head-messing, giving a wrong and easily overturned LBW decision solely to annoy Smith.

But just as Pakistan and everybody supporting them (ie everybody) began to genuinely hope, that heartless bastard Mitchell Starc pulled out a snorter of a short ball to finally dismiss Shafiq.

Smith then threw the stumps down from slip one run later to run Yasir out and end the Test.

Sigh. If only his throw had missed and gone for forty overthrows.

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