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With the dust settled on the squad announcement for the tour of India, let’s move on to the important stuff: negotiating an appropriate reaction to the inevitable catastrophic failure that awaits us.
Like everyone else, I felt crushing disappointment when the team was named on Sunday.
As each victim’s name was read, it unfortunately confirmed the worst; despite some late backroom machinations, Australia would be taking part in the tour.
However, besides our national self-worth, not all has to be lost.
Provided we Australian fans behave appropriately for the four Tests, we’ll be in the brace position, we can emerge on the other side of this ordeal having only suffered severe psychological trauma.
Despite being a series where absolutely nothing can be gained for the team except shame and dysentery, there is a way Australia can salvage a shred of integrity from the smouldering debris they’ll be reduced to.
With a 4-0 drubbing rated a $1.005 and knighthoods on offer for any XI that can force India to bat twice, why not cut our losses and simply protect our stable top-five batting unit by granting them amnesty?
With settled Australian Test batting units considered the rarest Tamagotchi around in recent years, we should provide the current collective the treatment its achievements have earned by nurturing it like a poorly animated virtual pet.
Since inception, this current Test top five has gripped the nation in a state of euphoria with a glut of incident-free first sessions. So why should we allow something stupid like a dearth of runs overseas upset the apple cart?
Let them breathe, I say.
Matt Renshaw has displayed enough to show he’s worth persevering with. Dave Warner is probably the same.
Usman Khawaja is now so reliable, the only time he looks over his shoulder is in the motion of dabbing. Peter Handscomb has proven he’s more than just a wicketkeeper. And we need Steve Smith because somebody has to set a field.
Despite what you are probably thinking, this is not the planet’s daftest idea.
Irrefutably, India is the world’s capital for ending batting careers. Statistics prove it even assassinates more Australian careers than Australian selectors, so that’s why we need to mix it up with some domestic diplomacy.
Let’s make a pact as a nation to stop the bloodshed. Let’s officially reduce the tour to a career no-ball, free-hit for our blue chip batsmen.
Sure, it won’t be easy. We may have to pardon the unacceptable; a Greg Chappell-like string of ducks, Phil Tufnell-like footwork, and plenty of the game’s most regular mode of dismissal: playing your natural game.
But if we bind together – fans, media, and our traditionally unruffled selectors – and make a concerted effort to curb the hysteria, blood lust, hilarious memes and inherent desire for change, we can give this Fab Five every chance of surviving long beyond this forgettable series.
Warner, Renshaw, Khawaja, Smith and Handscomb. Familiarise with the sequence and treat it like a meat pie fresh from the oven. No matter how much your instincts urge you to demolish its flakiness, simply don’t touch it.
And if you begin to waver, think of the consequences of rash change.
For example, Shaun Marsh.