Faux-clusive: Shane Warne has held a news conference overnight to announce he has not featured in the news for nearly 13 days.
The immortal tweaker felt compelled to publicly acknowledge his marathon absence from the mainstream media after concerns were raised by his own self-value.
Via a prepared statement read by his publicist so to maintain privacy, a “quietly concerned” Warne pleaded with the press he had summoned to leave him alone during this difficult phase.
However, the 47-year-old also pledged to “bounce back” quickly, promising to be news-worthy again as early as Saturday night when he meets Brendan Fevola at a wet t-shirt competition.
Warne’s uncharacteristic absence from the wider public eye has sent shockwaves through himself after he enjoyed a bumper opening to the summer.
The spin king was boasting maximum daily reach on Channel Nine’s Test coverage where he held court speaking on a range of topics, sometimes even cricket.
This was strategically gap-filled across other platforms with consumable media morsels like Warne Emojis, the breaking of Tasmanian road safety rules, and most regularly, criticism for every single enemy of Michael Clarke.
The blonde bachelor then complemented the domination with unremitting, multi-barrelled assaults via social media.
But after months of Warne’s trademark saturation, he became conspicuously AWOL.
He was last spotted reaping column inches almost a fortnight ago when he struck the sensational double-whammy of terminating his charity and exalting Mitchell Swepson to Test selection all in the space of three days.
However, when these efforts worryingly faded to the second page of his own Google search, Warne knew the consequences of too many spat-free, romp-free days had caught up with him.
While reticent to lay blame, the 145-Test veteran pointed the finger directly at the mainstream media’s refusal to cover overseas poker tournaments as the reason for his lay-off.
To ensure similar incidents are avoided in future, Warne is planning a number of new business ventures, or a life-threatening number of sexual encounters, or both.
While unconfirmed, the slimmed Victorian is working on a new boutique dating app ‘SpinsterGram’, targeting a niche demographic of anyone who is 18-36 and/or 36-24-36, and not Steve Waugh or male.
If this venture fails, he will consider opening another nightclub or reconciling with his ex-partner to generate opportunities for infidelity.
*Disclaimer: At the time of printing, Shane Warne had not been in the news.
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