So Matthew Wade will be skipper in Nu'Zuland, eh?

So in Steve Smith’s absence, Matthew Wade has been made captain in the upcoming Chappell-Hadlee series in Nu’Zuland, eh?

Hmm, it gets you thinking that he could balls it up as much as his keeping.

Here’s how I see it all unraveling over the three matches.

In game 1, he calls the toss incorrectly and we get sent in on a green-top.

He then confuses the first drinks break as the end of a days play, and sends in a nightwatchman at the fall of a wicket.

The Bleck Keps need six to win off the last ball, and he’s so illiterate about your cricket history, he has Mitch Starc bowling underarm.

Game 2, he calls the toss correctly and we misguidedly *bat* on a green-top.

He shields Glenn Maxwell from the strike thinking the Big Show can’t handle short stuff from Neil Wagner.

He then declares in the 46th over thinking we’ve more than enough, which didn’t then prove to *be* enough when the Kiwis win off the last ball.

In fielding questions, he then concedes, “Yeah, declaring in an ODI is probably not the smartest thing to do.”

Series tied 1-1 and that brings us to game 3.

He calls correctly, and instead of batting on a belter, we bowl, because he gets himself in a tangle and screws up his ‘we’ll bat and we’ll bowls’.

He takes a maverick approach and employs a tactic to dispense with fielders in the deep for 50 overs of seven slips and two gullies.

We concede 800.

Thanks to the Big Show’s ‘Lynsane’ 560 off 100 we stay in the hunt. There is then a rain delay and ten overs are lost

He then screws up the Duckworth-Lewis calcs and blocks the final three balls of the innings not realising we needed one more run while not losing another wicket.

He then causes an international incident by protesting vehemently, calculator in one hand, and abacus in the other.

And all the while, he drops eight catches and misses four stumpings over the series, which sits neatly with his grand total of 14 runs.

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccce”