Australian selectors frantically searching White Pages for a new Marsh

All eyes are on the Australian selectors as they look to right the ship after a disastrous second Test in Bangalore.

After Mitch Marsh was sent home due to a shoulder injury (not a severe case of baffling incompetence), The Roar understands the national selection panel and Trevor Hohns are about to enter a second sleepless night, scouring the White Pages to fly over a replacement in time for the next Test.

“Mate, it’s been really tough,” Hohns said.

“The last Marsh we picked is done, so in keeping with our strict dual-Marsh policy we’ve been plundering the directory to try to find another one.

“It’s harder than you think.

“The first bloke we tried was named Aaron Marsh.”

“Unfortunately he said he had no desire to stand in the sweltering Indian heat for five days, play on a pitch with cracks as wide as a Stephen Harmison loosener, and just generally be within a 50-metre radius of Virat Kohli.”

National selector and brother of Steve, Mark Waugh had a plea for the Australian public.

“Please, if we call you, your country needs you. You saw the last bloke that came in at number six, we’ll take literally any Marsh available – it’s almost statistically impossible that you could do worse than him.”

It seems as though a host of potential Australian batsmen and all-rounders are yet again being overlooked because of their surname.

Usman Khawaja has scored a half-century or better in each of his last five Tests and Marcus Stoinis has been in blistering domestic and international form, yet both appear to be on the outer once again.

When asked why they didn’t pick the in-form Khawaja, Waugh looked up quizzically and said, “Because his surname’s not… wait, is Khawaja Urdu for Marsh?

“No? Then why the hell would we pick him?!”

The obsession with having at least two Marshes in the Australian side has confused and infuriated cricket fans for years.

Several theories have been bandied around as to the rationale behind the policy:

• There was an error with the uniform manufacturers, whereby only the name ‘Marsh’ was embroidered on the shirts
• An elaborate match-fixing scandal
• Or an unholy, voodoo blood-pact with former chairman of selectors Rod Marsh.

None of these theories have been proven, but all certainly seem more plausible than the suggestion that Marshes are being picked on merit alone.