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Giants dropping like flies with cursed injuries

Jonathan Patton has been playing too much Playstation. (AAP Image/Mick Tsikas)
Roar Guru
8th June, 2017
0

Greater Western Sydney’s injury woes have gone from bad to worse this week, with a crop of new ailments plaguing the club, ranging from the bizarre to the perverse.

“We’re really feeling cursed at the moment,” club official Kev Cox said.

“In fact, cursed is just the word for some, because Toby [Greene] misses this week with a hex.”

According to Cox, Greene has suffered a freakish number of close scrapes while getting around the house of late.

“He had a falling chandelier miss him by inches, a dustbuster spraying sparks in his hand, and a mixmaster rupturing its casing, flaying the blades just past his ears,” Cox clarified.

Greene holidayed in eastern Europe in the off-season, and the club understands he got on the wrong side of the locals.

“Ever since Toby returned, he’s dodged bullet after bullet. We’re concerned if he plays this week, he’ll get hit by space junk,” Cox worried.

Cox went on to detail that Dylan Shiel will also miss this week with an atypical condition.

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“Dyl holidayed with Toby in Latvia and picked up a nasty strain of Kavorka,” he explained.

Seinfeld fans would be well versed with Kavorka, but for those not familiar with the condition, Kovarca is having ‘the lure of the animal’.

“Dyl has wrapped himself in braids of garlic for weeks, but nothing seems to do the trick,” Cox said. “The poor lad’s had to fight off the ladies to the point of exhaustion and it’s finally taken its toll.”

John Patton is another who will be sidelined this week.

“‘The General’ has a debilitating case of a 1000-yard stare,” Cox said.

“Pretty much everything under 1000 yards is a blur to him. We believe he got it playing shoot ’em up games on Playstation. Hopefully he’ll have the stare down to 100 yards by next week. That way he’ll at least see the midfield transitions coming his way from the wings.”

Another suffering an eye aliment is Josh Kelly, whose pupils have dilated into dollars signs.

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“Josh is a little star-stuck by all the attention he’s getting from the Shinboners,” Cox said. “His pupils contorted into dollar shapes after his best on ground performance against the Bombers and his vision is now worse than John’s.”

Further, Heath Shaw is expected to be rested with a case of sibling rivalry.

“Heath feels that his dad, Ray, has been playing faves with Reece ever since they were kids. He’s feeling pretty much unloved and it’s got so bad that he can’t even sledge venomously with the R bomb nowadays,” Cox explained.

Jeremy Cameron may also miss while on carer’s leave: his mum has a crippling eruption of toe jam and needs a family member to drive her to the clinic. While Phil Davis has been laid low with the ‘Mondays’, brought upon by binge listening to Elliot Smith’s melancholia. He is also in doubt for this week’s clash.

On the upside, Callum Ward appears to have shaken off the voodoo that has been niggling him all season, while Shane Mumford’s troubling attacks of stage-fright seem behind him.

GWS are even upbeat that Lachie Whitfield’s pathological fibbing won’t sideline him this week.

“He’s been training down the house all week,” Cox beamed. “At this stage he won’t even have to take a Polygraph to prove his fitness. But you’d better get that from the horse, because I’m just the property steward here.”

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