Cricket Australia are currently a cricket administration group without a team.
This oddly leaves them employed, but not the team they seek to manage and oversee. There is a desperate need on their behalf to find various ways to allure players from the second all the way to the fiftieth tier into the fold so they can field a side.
The obvious and well-worn allure of the baggy green looms large, particularly for those that like a hat made of wool that provides no shade from the sun. What else have Cricket Australia got up their sleeves? Well, it just so happens I’ve made some stuff up.
Speed dealer sunglasses
Each player will be entitled to a range of speed dealer sun-glasses, painstakingly selected from only the best petrol stations around the country. The sunglasses provide almost no protection from UV light and may cause some form of blindness, but will bounce reassuringly when dropped on a solid surface.
All the zinc cream you can eat
Due to a typo from one of the good people in CA’s procurement department, they have had about 30 years worth of zinc stored in a garage in East Melbourne for the last two years.
Anyone willing to play for Australia would be welcome to take as much of this home to wear, or eat, should they choose to. Remember, zinc is naturally found in your bones so has to be good for you.
An afternoon tea with Merv Hughes
Each player lucky enough to be selected will go in the chance to win an afternoon tea with Merv Hughes at their own expense.
This lucky player will have the ability to re-live the highlights of Mervs career, as well as an overview of his tram journey to the café that afternoon. There is also the possibility of Merv giving a general grimace about the state of public transport these days.
Shared captaincy
Everyone picked to play for Australia will have the chance to be captain for at least one session of a Test each.
This policy will in no-way diminish the role of captain into the future and allow the player to have bragging rights at barbecues and social events, though obviously not at actual cricket events.
Role of chief negotiator
Given that no-one within the organisation seems to know how to negotiate with the players, anyone that has the ability to listen, consider and talk will be given a chance to get Steve Smith and Mitchell Starc back into the team.
Ability to listen, consider and talk are all optional.
BrainsTrust
Guest
Cricket Australias increase in revenue has come from the Ashes and India. Immigration from Britain and India has increased, India becoming financial much bigger. Ponting losing the Ashes was a big part of its financial success, but as the same time being the no 1 team while India skyrocketed financially is another factor. The grassroot clubs look after themselves, they would get their facilties and cricket grounds from the local council, then they would pay stuff using registration fees. The bureaucracy has been built up around organising,marketing and promoting the BIg Bash. One day at an Ashes test match is being sold at a premium, the BIg Bash is the cheapest ticket in town, so the investment hasn't exactly worked.
Gary Magpie
Roar Guru
Sorry, Bert. You're way out on this one... But I do understand that most punters have no idea about grassroots cricket, its success, its challenges and the efforts made to overcome them. The "top heavy bureaucracy" the ACA players despise is the machine that has created cricket's success at all levels and which has created cricket's revenues at the top. Sometimes individual players can be a drawcard and build the game - but that is very rare. I'm thinking Warne... Merv... maybe Waugh... Ahh... Umm... If a player has no individual appeal, why should they expect to make a lifelong career out of the game? Most of the past 30 players were easily replaceable so why are they automatically entitled to the salary of someone that isn't? The players didn't create the revenue, Cricket Australia did.
Gary Magpie
Roar Guru
Yes, and Cricket Australia is doing a better job year-on-year. The Milo and other kids' cricket formats have improved immensely and has created fun pathways into the sport for all kids. Their investment into IT has also improved access to the game and, most importantly, has taken a lot of pressure off the local clubs reducing duplication and increasing professionalism of the junior game. Well done, Cricket Australia.
Bert
Guest
CA hasn't taken any interest in the actual sport of cricket for a long time. It's all been about revenue. How else to explain closing down first class cricket for six weeks during the peak of the cricket season, leaving Test hopefuls no chance to play and show their stuff when the Tests are being played? How else to explain rushing through the Test season with such undue haste, playing the first Tests well before summer is underway and ending the Tests in January so they can squeeze in more and more One Day games and 20/20 games? Last summer, after a terrible thrashing in the Test series, CA proudly announced that it had been a highly successful season...because revenue was up. They've lost the plot and should all be sacked.
Matt H
Roar Guru
I know this is a joke article, but "This oddly leaves them employed, but not the team they seek to manage and oversee." is incorrect. CA oversees all cricket in the country right down to junior club cricket.