The low five on the grand final

Harry Jones Roar Guru

By Harry Jones, Harry Jones is a Roar Guru

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51 Have your say

    RobC and Harry Jones walk into a bar. Separately. They sit down. At the bar. Separately.

    This is what they said.

    Harry: Howzit, Robbity. You look so modern, today.

    RobC: Hazzzaaaa!

    Harry: Let me buy you a drink.

    RobC: I don’t drink.

    Digger: I do

    Digger had walked in, breaking a chair and a light and a small man’s arm.

    Harry: Diggity! How’d you get under the table? Robbo, why are you in a bar?

    RobC: Bars are like scrums. It’s crowded, a lot of pushing, yelling and the odd grunt. Plus there’s the opposite sex. What’s not to love about it?

    Harry: I like it when you put sex, pushing, and grunt in the same paragraph. Speaking of scrums, let’s break down the Big Unfair Super-Saffa-Favouring Pied Peyper of Pretoria grand final.

    RobC: Okay. But let’s just ask questions. Let’s not provide answers if we don’t have one. Why do Lions play like Kiwis and Crusaders play like old Blue Bulls?

    Digger: You getting that drink Harry?

    Harry: Why does Israel Dagg smile while he runs, but Damian McKenzie smiles when he kicks?

    Digger: They don’t play like Kiwis Rob, they look to take space in order to create it. And put everyone off with funny haircuts. Does Mostert have a mane like a Lion? Is that on purpose?

    RobC: They’re not smiling. It’s the G-force from their speed. It’s a Kiwi thing. It’s like how Saffas don’t smile because their jaws, neck and head are fused to their spine, especially the locks.

    Harry: Who will win the lineout battle? Which combo? Marx to Mostert or Marx to Whitelock?

    RobC: There will be no lineout battle. The Lions will run and tackle and avoid set piece to get Read, Whitelock and their mates to asphyxiate.

    Digger: Lineouts won’t matter, Saffies are cheating by making us play in the daylight. It’s not fair! It’s all SANZAAR’s fault, not giving us enough games at altitude. It’s not fair!

    Harry: Well, Kieran likes to asphyxiate. Barman! Two Ichibans, please. One for me and the other for my own self. Why is Ichiban Read so obviously not a nice guy, but nobody but me sees it?

    Digger: Can I get that drink now?

    RobC: I see it. But don’t you think he’s got a half decent beard? Unlike Franco who looks like a baby bear compared to grizzly Sam Whitelock. How will he survive?

    Digger: No, it’s too short, it’s untidy. He needs to own his beard and make more of an effort. Bigger beards equals wins over all sorts of Lions.

    Harry: Lood de Jager fathered Franco; his mother is a Stormer cheerleader. Franco resulted from a secret sauce. That’s why his name is Sauce. Don’t quote me on this.

    RobC: I won’t quote you on anything. But what do you think the burning question really is?

    Harry: Who is faster? Skosan the Swift or Kwagga the Kwik?

    Digger: Rhule is fastest. But I know Franks would be stronger.

    RobC: Michael Hooper is fastest according to Phil Kearns. And kicks almost as well as Beltin.

    Digger: Phil will be happy that there are some Aussies in the final.

    Harry: I wager Hoops and Kwagga would both beat the Lions’ alleged flyhalf over 50 metres. Why does Elton Jantjies make gaps close? Why is he so deceptively slow?

    RobC: He’ll be marginally faster than the air deprived Crusaders. But aren’t they supposed to win when they travel, hence the name? Why did they lose last year? Is it the lack of Christchurch cheerleaders? Or sheep.

    Digger: There is no lack of sheep. Didn’t the Crusades ultimately fail? Too many Lion types in there, a lot of Richards. Crusaders have a Richie, used to have two. They lost last year because the Hurricanes were better. For one whole year.

    Harry: I dunno, my Malaysian Queenslander nemesis. Two Sapporos, please! How can Lions catch the ball so well if they have no thumbs?

    Digger: I’m really thirsty Harry.

    RobC: If they drop any they’d be kicked in by Ackers. Also, they catch cheerleaders for training in high altitude.

    Harry: Why does Ackers look like a bouncer but coach with such sweet love and affection? How did he get Saffas to play so fast?

    Digger: They run so fast by giving them something to run away from quickly.

    RobC: Saffas don’t play fast. But they play quickly. Otherwise, the crowd and corporate sponsors will lose interest.

    Harry: Marxism is so last century. Even Malcolm is in the middle of the political spectrum. Hey! Was there a better back in the competition who got no press than David Havili?

    Digger: Maybe, that first five at the Kings was pretty good, as was the pimp out wide. My Cha’Rona’ has a good year over on the west island.

    RobC: Havili who? By the way, where’s Nemani Nadolo? Would have been nice to see him versus Combrinck.

    Digger: They replaced Nadolo with Ioane. That worked well.

    Harry: Why does Combrinck have such a corporate-sounding name, like a pharmacy chain in Scotland? Why is he so angelic after the game and so punishing in it?

    Digger: He has better hair than Elton. Is Elton perhaps the best player with the worst hair in the world? Do the groundsman at Ellis ‘some airline now’ Park cut it using the lawnmower? Or tractor?

    RobC: He will “Ruan” everything and through everyone. Except for the times he kicks three pointers from three point territory. That’s the bottom line. And he has to clean up the scrummie’s mess.

    Harry: Ross Cronje. The name. It’s so mismatched. It’s like being called Nigel Fergus Luatua.

    Digger: Yes, it’s like a Saffie being called Harry Jones. Keep wanting to turn the ‘r’ into a ‘z’ and add ‘du’ in between… Hazzy du Joneses.

    RobC: Talk about a mismatch… So which Jaco will score the winning points?

    Harry: It depends on the angle that their fangles dangle. One Jaco runs like his arse is on fire. The other Jaco blows his whistle like he’s putting out a fire. It’s a fiery question. By the way, Peyper is from Bloemfontein. They don’t like Johannesburg. They don’t like anything, really. Except going to church. So, I think the Christchurch lads have an advantage. Except in tries. And the Lions scored 37 tries from first phase ball. Kiwis score from no-phase ball, though.

    RobC: I heard almost no Crusader fans will attend. They don’t care? Or is it to protect the refs after the final whistle?

    Harry: Well, I believe there was a visa issue. I’m sure the Roar-i-verse will blame it on Peyper. But why is Owen Franks so grumpy and Wyatt Crockett so happy? Who is the median between them?

    Digger: No one has Visas anymore, they all use Mastercard. That’s why one is on the bench and one starts Harry, to keep their distance. Wyatt took all the protein powder, makes Owen grumpy.

    Someone will blame Peyper for something, yes, and probably for making a decision without using the technology or for not making a decision and using the technology. They should’ve picked Craig Joubert, he was never in the spotlight. Every time he is a neutral ref he always does really well and everyone is happy.

    RobC: Tightheads are always tight headed. Crockett is loosie goosie. But hookers are all fun!

    Digger: Hookers are only fun when they get their drinks.

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    The Crowd Says (51)

    • Roar Guru

      August 5th 2017 @ 3:06am
      Carlos the Argie said | August 5th 2017 @ 3:06am | ! Report

      Nice Harry. Always.

      Strange year for me. Very few hours watching rugby, either the BIL or SR. Just a few games every weekend for entertainment and not analysis. I can’t invest 8 or more hours per weekend to watch. We leave for Europe on Tuesday. Saturday next week we start in the Dolomites. I am exhausted of the training. Over 1,600 km ridden in July plus over 15km climbing. Tracking heart rate, rest, recovery. It puts into perspective what these players achieve. And I don’t get hit, though cars and trucks tried many times. And I have to make some time to work too. Bugger.

      I enjoyed the banter. The NYT this week published an article about Aussies and said they love banter. But you are a Saffa. Close enough. 🙂

      I recall the first time I met Owen Franks in Paris, at their hotel in Neuilly. First thing he said was: “Don’t call me Ben!”

      And Izzy always smiles, off the field too. I met him with Kieran and Brodie at Heathrow. Izzy smiled, Kieran was extremely polite and Brodie looked at me as if I was a fly half that had to be destroyed. Maybe I was if you ask some people.

      Thanks to many here that make it fun to keep updated and discuss interesting things.

      I hope we have a great final and Peyper doesn’t ruin it for anyone. Plus his buddy the TMO.

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 3:32am
        Carlos the Argie said | August 5th 2017 @ 3:32am | ! Report

        Correction, should have read over 23,400 meters climbed. Not KM.

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 4:18am
        The Saint said | August 5th 2017 @ 4:18am | ! Report

        Well done Harry.

        • Roar Guru

          August 5th 2017 @ 4:33am
          Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 4:33am | ! Report

          Digger and RobC tooooooo

          • Roar Guru

            August 5th 2017 @ 9:21am
            RobC said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:21am | ! Report

            Digs never got his drink

          • August 5th 2017 @ 1:49pm
            Jibba Jabba said | August 5th 2017 @ 1:49pm | ! Report

            That was hilarious – love the 2 drinks – “one for me and the other for my own self.” do you have abit of Irish in ya ? ..

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 4:32am
        Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 4:32am | ! Report

        I’ll be on a few climbs this next week (on foot). Peyper will do well. The biggest danger is when a ref is overawed. He’s not.

        • Roar Guru

          August 5th 2017 @ 4:52am
          Carlos the Argie said | August 5th 2017 @ 4:52am | ! Report

          Hey, Mr. Jones. I still can’t believe that the accident at the Twickers station prevented us from meeting after the SF of RWC’15.

          We will have to “assume” a beer for now. Or some fermented grape juice from Stellenbosch.

          I hope the Peyper plays the right tune.

          • Roar Guru

            August 5th 2017 @ 8:36am
            The Saint said | August 5th 2017 @ 8:36am | ! Report

            Sorry guys.. well done RobC and Digger, too

    • Roar Rookie

      August 5th 2017 @ 5:40am
      Kabous said | August 5th 2017 @ 5:40am | ! Report

      ‘Why do Lions play like Kiwis and Crusaders play like old Blue Bulls?’

      Team doctor Martin Swan (born in South Africa): Codie boy, altitude is in your head, now say with me ‘altitude is in me head, it is all in me head’. And take this little Blue pill…

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 6:13am
        Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 6:13am | ! Report

        I read that comment and laughed. Altitude is definitely all in the head; and deprivation of O makes you dumb!!!!

        • Roar Guru

          August 5th 2017 @ 6:17am
          Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 6:17am | ! Report

          • Roar Guru

            August 5th 2017 @ 7:18am
            Carlos the Argie said | August 5th 2017 @ 7:18am | ! Report

            Altitude on your mind? Hmmm

            Jackson Hole’s Rendezvous mountain reaches 3,000 meters. When we go hiking from the top, carrying our skis on the back, using ski boots over snow, I can assure you that altitude is not in my mind. It is in my burning lungs and fast accelerating heart rate.

            One mile above sea level is not the same, but you can see in the kicks how farther they go. Breathing will be hard. Heart rates will be faster.

            Try playing football in La Paz…

            • Roar Guru

              August 5th 2017 @ 9:13pm
              Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:13pm | ! Report

              I played ping pong in La Paz

    • August 5th 2017 @ 7:32am
      Fionn said | August 5th 2017 @ 7:32am | ! Report

      This line in particular made me laugh because it is so on point :P: ‘Yes, it’s like a Saffie being called Harry Jones. Keep wanting to turn the ‘r’ into a ‘z’ and add ‘du’ in between… Hazzy du Joneses’.

      You say Marxism is last century, you just wait until Malcolm Marx really hits his stride, perhaps he’ll bring about a Marxist revival, at least in rugby communities.

      Cheers for the entertainment all year, lads, it has been a much appreciated boost during this dour year of Aussie rugby. And best of luck to the Crusaders and Lions!

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 8:58am
        Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 8:58am | ! Report

        My middle name is Dagga

        • August 5th 2017 @ 9:18am
          Ken Catchpole's Other. Leg said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:18am | ! Report

          Any relation to Billy Waggle Dagga who wrote Hamlet?

        • August 5th 2017 @ 9:30am
          Bob Wire said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:30am | ! Report

          Ahh.. boom, that explains it.

        • August 5th 2017 @ 9:40am
          Fionn said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:40am | ! Report

          Your name is still not quite ‘Faf de Klerk’, my friend.

          Thanks for the banter though!

    • Roar Guru

      August 5th 2017 @ 8:18am
      Charging Rhino said | August 5th 2017 @ 8:18am | ! Report

      Woah… what was that boys!? Ha ha

    • August 5th 2017 @ 8:42am
      Bob Wire said | August 5th 2017 @ 8:42am | ! Report

      Nice one. Lions will tighten up, Crusaders will loosen up. Peyper must steer full steam ahead. Ellon may (or may not hold his nerve), crowd to roar big time. Lions will prevail.

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 8:54am
        Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 8:54am | ! Report

        Elton misses tackles like a sailor misses his girl back home. He knocks on like he’s getting paid a bonus for each dozen. He gets turned over like an empanada.

        • August 5th 2017 @ 9:16am
          Ken Catchpole's Other. Leg said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:16am | ! Report

          So you’re a fan then, Harry?

          Great work gents.
          Only one complaint. It had enough laughs for three articles.

    • Columnist

      August 5th 2017 @ 9:08am
      Geoff Parkes said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:08am | ! Report

      ‘Nigel Fergus Luatua’… that brought a big smile with my breakfast Harry.

      You do yourself a disservice. Low five? Surely medium at least…

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 9:12am
        Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:12am | ! Report

        Medium well done with sunny side up and an order of secret sauce

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 9:19am
        RobC said | August 5th 2017 @ 9:19am | ! Report

        I prefer a medium-rare

        Or rare on a good day

      • Roar Guru

        August 5th 2017 @ 12:16pm
        Machooka said | August 5th 2017 @ 12:16pm | ! Report

        As to names G… I’m quite fond of Kwagga Smith.

        The Kiwis have a few Smiths… like heaps but good, decent Smiths.

        We Aussie had a Smith… and was he up there with those Kiwi types.

        But it’s Kwagga Smith, whose real name, what for it, is Albertus Stephanus Smith (the Kwagga being an extinct sub-species of Zebra and his nickname) that got my interest. And like seriously… go figure eh!

        Talk about rare… to the point of being over done 😉

        Likewise, if ever there was a face you could say was definitely guilty of chasing parked cars… he’d be it eh!?! 🙂

        • Roar Guru

          August 5th 2017 @ 12:18pm
          Machooka said | August 5th 2017 @ 12:18pm | ! Report

          Fascinating Mods… and would be really interested to know ‘what’ put it so???

        • Roar Guru

          August 5th 2017 @ 7:30pm
          Harry Jones said | August 5th 2017 @ 7:30pm | ! Report

          He has a face to sink a thousand ships

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