How to hate Joe Root

TheRev Roar Rookie

By TheRev, TheRev is a Roar Rookie

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    Ahead of the upcoming Ashes series, English captain Joe Root has decided that challenging the Australian side is too easy, so he has decided to challenge the Australian public instead.

    One man against 23 million postal survey takers, what could go wrong?

    Well, one of the main issues is that Root is heinously likeable. Even his name, Root, is sure to help keep him onside with Australian fans.

    Physically, he is slight and blonde, resembling a schoolboy anxiously waiting for a bus or Ellen DeGeneres more so than some threatening English bastard.

    He seems to be constantly smiling, which would get irritating if it wasn’t so bloody well-meaning.

    Being Australian, I have done my best to look past his niceness and developed a list of reasons to hate him:

    1. Ringo Starr
    Remember The Beatles? They had a few hits a while back. Their drummer, Ringo Starr, was arguably the nicest guy in the group and also the most useless. Paul McCartney even did the drumming on the ‘White Album’ – he may deny it, but we all know he did.

    You know what else Ringo Starr did? Thomas the Tank Engine. I’ve never come across a more shameless advertisement for communism in my life, and here they are pushing it on kids.

    ‘Really useful engines’? Come on, you could at least try and hide it a bit, or tell us what happens to the useless engines.

    Yay capitalism. Boo Joe ‘Ringo’ Root.

    2. Challenging Steve Smith
    Root has played three more Tests that Steve Smith and is two years younger, so he’s a real chance to overtake Smith for the total number of runs scored in his career.

    By avoiding injury and coming in early, due to the English ‘play one opener and one other guy’ strategy, Root has the opportunity to face more balls and score more runs than our skipper.

    This might not have been a threat a few years ago, but Smith had to wait for all those other batsmen who average 60 to get out of the team.

    3. He once wore a fake beard
    Remember the 2013 Ashes series? It may be best you don’t.

    One of the stories you may remember from it was when Australian opener Dave Warner punched Root for wearing a fake beard in the VIP area of a Walkabout bar.

    Now, Warner is nothing if a reserved young man and not about to punch someone for anything trivial, so you have to understand the seriousness of wearing a fake beard. I’m yet to understand it myself, but you can bet your boots that Root wore a fake beard.

    Boo to Joe ‘Beardy’ Root.

    4. He has no respect for Allan Border
    Back in 1989, Australia had lost 11 Test series in a row and were expected to fall in a heap against the English. With fastidious planning and uncompromising play, the Australians managed an unexpected 4-0 series upset.

    One of the turning points in the series was Australian captain Allan Border banning his players from socialising with, or even being nice to, the English team.

    This may seem a little harsh, but you have to remember that Border was Australia’s only decent player for most of his career, and it’s largely due to him that the sport is still popular in Australia.

    Root is flying in the face of this approach, being nice to everyone and having the audacity to suggest that we should simply enjoy the game for what it is. Peter Handscomb, the Australian batsman who has played the winter with Root at Yorkshire, had nothing but praise for him.

    If this doesn’t raise the ire of the Captain Grumpy in all of us, I don’t know what will.

    AAP Image/Nikki Short

    5. He could win the Ashes in Australia
    Since the great watershed of 2005, one of the defining characteristics of the Ashes has been the visiting team’s inability to win the wee urn.

    While England’s batting depth isn’t terrifying, it does equate with Australia’s, meaning that England may actually have the advantage with the ball.

    This summer though, England have a red-hot chance. With a bowling attack including Ben Stokes, Jimmy Anderson, Stuart Broad and any one of a number of quicks they have on their ridiculously long bench, the young Australian batting line-up is sure to be challenged.

    In Moeen Ali, Root has a spinner with a similar record to Nathan Lyon, though averages about an extra 20 runs with the bat.

    Is fear of losing the Ashes enough of a reason to hate on Root?

    Will this be the summer where nice guys finish first? Yeah, maybe.

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    The Crowd Says (37)

    • Roar Pro

      August 15th 2017 @ 7:39am
      Ben Sewell said | August 15th 2017 @ 7:39am | ! Report

      Not a fan of Root, but you can’t deny he’s an excellent bat. If England get up this Summer, he’ll have had alot to do with that.

    • August 15th 2017 @ 8:53am
      Mike Dugg said | August 15th 2017 @ 8:53am | ! Report

      A great player

    • August 15th 2017 @ 8:53am
      The Fatman said | August 15th 2017 @ 8:53am | ! Report

      Aussues should root for root. he is more than just Dave Warner’s punching bag.

      He is the best batsman in world cricket except for Kohli.

      • August 15th 2017 @ 9:42am
        jameswm said | August 15th 2017 @ 9:42am | ! Report

        Who’s the best test batsman?

      • August 15th 2017 @ 12:19pm
        Jake said | August 15th 2017 @ 12:19pm | ! Report

        Kohli? That guy is finished. Barely got into double figures in 10 innings against Australia on his home tracks. The Poms have his number as well. Root is a class batsmen but not in the league of Steve Smith.

        • Roar Guru

          August 15th 2017 @ 2:45pm
          JamesH said | August 15th 2017 @ 2:45pm | ! Report

          10 innings in 3 tests?!?!? And he had the audacity to suggest we were the cheats.

          • August 15th 2017 @ 8:10pm
            Jake said | August 15th 2017 @ 8:10pm | ! Report

            Yep. He’s well dodgy.

    • August 15th 2017 @ 8:56am
      jameswm said | August 15th 2017 @ 8:56am | ! Report

      We haven’t found it that hard before, have we?

      • August 15th 2017 @ 11:55am
        JohnB said | August 15th 2017 @ 11:55am | ! Report

        I wouldn’t have thought so. Wayne Smith after the Warner/Root incident described Root as having a face that cried out to be slapped (before going on to rightly condemn Warner) which seemed very fair and reasonable to me.

        The headline in the English Telegraph yesterday “Joe Root interview: Australian Ashes crowds get personal and offensive – but when you win it’s that bit more enjoyable” is hardly calculated to endear him to any thinking person (besides prompting the immediate question – how would you know? Did someone who’d been on the 2010/11 tour tell you?) and comments like ‘“It was very hostile,” he remembers. “Quite aggressive at times, especially off the field. There were a few chants from the crowd that were quite personal at times, quite offensive. I thought they might give us a bit of banter, but it was more than that. I think they see it as humour.”‘ only reinforce the impression he’s a complete fantasist – you didn’t realise all the singing, all the chanting and 90% of the comments were from the Barmy Army?

        And to top it off, he admits to thinking Alastair Cook and Jimmy Anderson are good blokes.

        Anyway, very good batsman though he obviously is, after his performance last time he needs to be much more concerned with his batting than with the crowds.

    • August 15th 2017 @ 10:54am
      GY said | August 15th 2017 @ 10:54am | ! Report

      Ringo’s drumming on ‘Tomorrow never knows’ is genius. Crap article

      • Roar Rookie

        August 15th 2017 @ 11:51am
        TheRev said | August 15th 2017 @ 11:51am | ! Report

        Yeah, ok, that was pretty good. But have you heard ‘Dream’ – even elevators reject it:

        • August 15th 2017 @ 12:10pm
          GY said | August 15th 2017 @ 12:10pm | ! Report

          This article is the comedy equiv of Dreams …

          • Roar Rookie

            August 15th 2017 @ 3:33pm
            TheRev said | August 15th 2017 @ 3:33pm | ! Report

            You mean the Fleetwood Mac song? Thanks!

    • Roar Pro

      August 15th 2017 @ 10:54am
      Andrew Young said | August 15th 2017 @ 10:54am | ! Report

      I love Root, and I don’t think these tips will change that- he’s a gun!
      Go Aussies!

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