“Tore in, first ball. I start it basically off the pitch then get it swinging back a mile… Boom! Knocks the middle stump in two. No joke, it’s literally in two pieces.
“As I’m walking back, umpy pulls me over, says, ‘Mate, that is the greatest ball I’ve ever seen in 50 years of umpiring. Thank you for letting me be a part of this moment.’
“His exact words, exact words.
“Now, get this, next ball… Same thing. Batsman looks straight back at me and just applauds, he’s not even mad – he’s just standing there in the middle of the pitch applauding me. I’d never seen anything like it – and neither had he.
“So I’m on a hat-trick, right?! They’re expecting another yorker… Wrong. I jam it into the pitch, ball flies at his throat but he just gets his glove to it – I dive forward and pluck it out of the air one millimetre from the ground.
“Luckily I’ve got top-shelf athleticism from when I was in the national diving team in juniors – I would’ve gone pro but wanted to focus on my studies instead.
“Anyway, I was stoked about the hat-trick but also knew I had a job to do. Four more wickets to go.
“Next ball? LBW. Plumb.
“Ball after that? Another caught and bowled. This time, he hits a full-blooded drive straight back at me, I catch it one handed – don’t even celebrate, don’t need to, not my style.
“Next one, the guy tries to work a quick single to get off strike – smart guy, I’d try to do the same if I was facing me – but not gonna happen on this arm, champ.
“I pick it up in my follow-through and in one motion turn on a dime and knock down the one stump I had to aim at. Jonty Rhodes eat your bloody heart out!
“So now they’ve got one batsman left, but get this – he refused to come out. He told the captain he’d seen enough and didn’t want me to humiliate him. Probably for the best, y’know.
“But yeah, ha! Guess I could say I had an alright day,” Vinnie says, with a slow sip of his beer.
The Roar asked Vinnie if there was any footage, but he told us they didn’t film any of his games.
We then asked him to give us any of his teammates’ contact details, but he just looked at us sheepishly, saying, “They um… None of… Um.. None of them have… Phones”, before quickly changing the topic.
Former England captain Nasser Hussain says the tourists can’t risk a slow start to the Ashes next week and need to throw Ben Stokes straight into the fray. Meanwhile, Marnus Labuschagne talks about his cricket ‘obsession’, and Warnie’s at it again, with Nathan Lyon in the cross hairs, in this edition of Ashes Scout.