The Australian summer has arrived and with it, an Ashes series against the Old Enemy and a bunch of maniacal team selections.
With the selectors in exceptionally bizarre form already this summer, there is a good chance you may be selected, or have been selected, to play for Australia.
If this is the case, don’t panic, this has happened to hundreds before you and most have survived. While some have gone on to work in the Channel Nine commentary box, these are the exception, as most have gone on to fulfilling lives.
To address your concerns, I have addressed some of the common issues of those randomly picked for Australia in the past below.
Shaun Marsh
If you have been randomly and seemingly undeservedly picked for Australia, there is a good chance you are Shaun Marsh. There is a quick way to tell if you are Shaun Marsh, which is to check your drivers license. If you don’t have a license to drive, you are probably Shaun Marsh.
If you are Shaun Marsh, it is likely you will be dropped soon but then picked again, so don’t bother too much about packing or unpacking your bags.
(AP Photo/Themba Hadebe)
Wicket-keeping
Similar to being Shaun Marsh, if you have been picked randomly in the team it is likely you are picked to be a wicketkeeper.
This position in the team used to be reserved for people who were adept at catching, crouching, anticipating and sometimes batting. In recent times the criteria for this position changed to include batting as a must have, before it was discarded for being ‘vocal’.
It seems that this last criteria has now been discarded as well, as selectors have gone for someone who used to keep wicket.
If you are selected to be wicket keeper, don’t panic, its likely you will be dropped for someone who meets the new random criteria such as thickness of monobrow.
Inappropriate headwear
Before your first game, your teammates will form a circle around you and a past player will present you with a woollen hat. This hat is called a baggy green and you are supposed to use it to protect you from the sun.
Sure, the brim on it is shorter than a Shaun Marsh innings and it is made of thick wool, but it has a lot of history about it, so wear it and smile.
The smiling while wearing the hat is a big part of being an Australian cricketer. Perhaps the biggest.
(AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
High performance
Australia has a High Performance Manager for the team, so if you find yourself in it, expect your High Performance to be managed. Your low performance, not so much.
The randomness of selections is a direct result of this High-Performance, Low-Performance approach, with lowly performing selectors not being managed and continuing to select teams based on the lunar cycles of the Mesopotamian calendar.
I would advocate low perforamce if you want to keep your job.
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