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Over the years, the Bulldogs and their supporters have escaped the scorn heaped upon more high-profile clubs like the Pies and Dons. It’s time to have a bit of fun at the Dogs’ expense.
The Bulldogs have started 2018 with two horrific losses, displaying all the passion of Vladimir Putin and the discipline of an Australian Test cricket team.
As they stagger towards the precipice, the gleam of their 2016 premiership medals fading in the dreary grey of the western suburbs, some disturbing rumours have begun to surface.
Footage has emerged showing the Bulldogs in that 2016 grand final secretly scuffing one side of the footy to gain an unfair advantage.
There’s speculation of a straight swap of coaches: Luke Beveridge for Nathan Buckley. So the Bulldogs get a coach who knows how to deal with premiership hangovers.
With their key defender (Marcus Adams) and four former premiership players (Dale Morris, Tom Liberatore, Liam Picken and Clay Smith) all on the sidelines even before Round 2, Beveridge heaped praise on his medical staff, saying, “They’re very experienced at handling injuries.”
Bulldogs accountants have proposed paying players per quarter of football instead of per game. They’ve calculated that Marcus Bontempelli and Jason Johanissen’s pay can be reduced by half.
In 2018, the Bulldogs have instituted a new award, called the Neil Armstrong Award. It goes to the player who can walk the most in space.
In a bid to resolve the Bulldogs’ dysfunctional forward line, officials have been seen consulting Nathan Buckley. They have also been seen scouting Hurstbridge Football Club for an ex-Bulldog who might give a bit of structure to their forward line.
Aware of the gaping hole left in the forward line by the departure of Jake Stringer, Beveridge has instructed Easton Wood to play like him.
Asked why Caleb Daniels, Shane Biggs, Fletcher Roberts, Tom Boyd, Mitch Wallis, Josh Schache and Tory Dickson all played in the reserves in Round 1 (the latter four also remained in the reserves in Round 2), Luke Beveridge explained, ‘In one form or another, we’re committed to winning a premiership in 2018.”
Tough start. If anyone can pull a Houdini from the Bulldogs’ current predicament, it’s their coach Luke Beveridge. Over to you Luke…