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Global warming caused by rise in hot takes

7th April, 2018
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Hey, have I got a hot take for you... (Image: AAP)
Expert
7th April, 2018
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Hot takes have joined coal and Chad Townsend’s hair spray as the chief causes of global warming, studies have confirmed.

According to the report, unsafe quantities of overbaked analysis is being emitted in to the atmosphere by former players and fading journalists desperate for cut-through in a crowded news cycle, resulting in diabolical conditions for mankind.

Scientists conducted the research after learning sea levels were dramatically rising on Friday evenings at the same time Steve ‘Blocker’ Roach began spouting radical positional changes.

While greenhouse gases have been long accepted as the chief cause of climate change, the breakthrough verifies the alternative theory of a ‘hyperbolic phenomena’ at play.

A hot take is a provocative theory or forecast that generates uncomfortably high temperatures, usually delivered when dense fronts of heated air, desperation and concussion combine.

While the majority of the earth’s atmosphere is crowded with reasonable opinions, a take will qualify as ‘hot’ once it strays more than fifteen standard deviations from logic.

The rugby league media is renowned for its dangerously high take-to-capita ratio, with some weekly emissions ferocious enough to warm a major Asian metropolis, or in extreme cases, even power South Australia.

The industry has not gone unnoticed by authorities, with some commentary teams recognised as genuine nuclear threats by the United Nations, while the Daily Telegraph has been blamed for killing the Great Barrier Reef.

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Some of the fierce infernos produced by the mainstream media in recent times include:

– Drop Shaun Johnson
– Matt Lodge for Origin
– Sonny Bill’s a Rooster again
– Anyone who goes to Denver dies
– Wayne Bennett has lost his halves/aura/dressing room/marbles
– The game is dying/dead/decomposed
– The Warriors three-peat will revive it
Back to the Future 3 was the best of the trilogy, and
– Etc.

Scientists have warned a continuation of hazardous takes could result in an irreversible dystopia featuring acidic oceans, extinction, and most damning, unending content filler.

An overheated earth could also force 90 per cent of the world’s population to choose between moving to milder climes or going hungry, a catastrophe Mick Ennis still managed to overstate.

However, authorities believe the trend can be mitigated if world leaders agree to reduce greenhouse emissions and Origin bolters, or by just slapping a carbon tax on Matt Johns.

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